Lost in the Land of IF

Sweet Summer Days

2011-07-08T11:26:00.002-04:00

Time is flying by. I now have a four month old... a smiling, laughing, cooing, precious four month old... and life is getting sweeter and sweeter with every passing day.

I won't lie -- the early days were tough. And there were times that I wondered whether my relationship with my DH would weather such a strained time --- raging hormones, a lack of real sleep, and a DH with a propensity to clomp about the creaky wood floors in our house and (unintentionally) slam cabinet doors and generally make a huge racket tried my patience and wore on my already-frazzled nerves greatly... But thankfully, the sleep situation has greatly improved and at least the nerves aren't quite as frazzled anymore. ...No improvement on the clomping and general racket by the DH, though he does try, poor thing... he's even acquired a slight case of tendonitis in his Achilles heel from trying to tip-toe around the house!

And speaking of sleep -- my girl is doing a stellar job in that department, averaging 9 to 10.5 hours per night, straight through.... She's been blessing me with this routine since her 8th week, God love her. :)

Claire wakes up smiling, happy, and squealing in delight these days, and she is such a barrel of fun to be around... she's learned to play patty-cake, giddyup horsey (bouncing on my knee), and peekaboo in the past few weeks, and now laughs in delight every time we play them. She's still not quite a huge fan of tummy time, but she's learned to tolerate it well for 10 or so minutes, as long as I'm down on the floor with her, making a game for her with her rattles.

A new challenge for us lately has been prepping our home to list for sale... we decided June 16th that we would try to sell it now in order to move into a better school district. --A bit premature, you might think, seeing as how Claire won't be going to school anytime soon --- but DH doesn't think the housing market here in ATL has bottomed out yet, and with interest rates as low as they are, it would seem wise to go ahead and try to sell NOW as opposed to 2 or 3 years down the road.

The past 3 weeks have been spent in a flurry of house projects - painting rooms, clearing out the basement, resurfacing kitchen cabinets, cleaning up and reorganizing closets and cupboards and desks... All while trying to guard my girl's routine as best as I could. Quite a challenge it was, and quite stressful... But thankfully, we've survived it all and the house is ready, praise God. Now comes the next stage: maintaining a "show-ready" house and dealing with house showings-- all the while protecting Claire's schedule.

A typical day finds her waking up around 9 (give or take a half-hour either way), and she typically nurses at 9, 12, 3, 6, and 9... though there are usually a few four-hour stretches mixed in there. While she's great at sleeping through the night, she's not as great at napping --- I ususally only get 3 or 4 45-minute nap sessions out of her per day. And while I'm not complaining too much here -- any break is great! -- 45 minutes isn't very long to really get deep into any projects or cleaning around the house. Thankfully I can get showered and cleaned up well within that time frame, but that's about all I can do. So I will welcome the day when she transitions to fewer but longer naps -- 2 or 3 hour stretches. ...whenever that day should come, I'll be ready!

Overall, I've been just trying to enjoy every single moment with my sweet girl. She lights up my days and brings such joy to every moment. I am just so very thankful and grateful to God for every breathe she takes, for her little life. Every time she snuggles into my arms I think my heart will burst from happiness. I am in heaven, and so very thankful for the privilege of getting to spend my days with my sweet girl.

...And she wakes. More later~

Things I Have Learned

2011-04-12T16:27:00.005-04:00

I never knew how greatly I'd be schooled by such a small thing, but this sweet little bundle o'mine sure is teaching me a thing or two.

Things I have learned thus far, from my little snuggle-bunny:
- I CAN actually survive on less (far less!) than 8-9 hrs of sleep.
- Apparently my boobs CAN triple in size. Who knew???
- While not ideal, going to the bathroom while holding a baby IS possible.
- Blow-outs usually occur when you a) least expect it, and b) are least prepared for it.
- It is possible to both be crying in frustration over the fact, while simultaneously revelling over the knowledge, that your baby only wants to sleep in your arms. This typically occurs in the wee hours of the morning.
- Going for days at a time without either a shower or a change of clothes (but multiple changes of nursing pads!) can quickly feel normal (though still not understood or accepted by the hubby).
- I have learned how to operate so many baby things (video monitor system, stroller, itzbeen, swing, bottle warmer, humidifier, etc), but managing to bathe and dry a slippery wet baby still remains a challenge.
- Whoever invented the breast pump MUST have been a sadist... or a masochist. --Whichever one of those means liking self-inflicted torture. Those things are seriously better served as torture devices. Pumping definitely isn't for sissies!

Biggest lesson thus far: I never knew I could love like this.

It's amazing.

Happy Birthday to Me

2011-03-23T16:37:00.003-04:00

I know I'm ridiculously overdue with an update -- and I promise, it's coming!

But in the meantime -- I am enjoying this moment -- my 32nd birthday, and the first as a mom. Our sweet girl decided to make her arrival almost 2 weeks early -- she's 17 days old today!

Claire Elyse was born in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, March 6th, at 1:01 am. She weighed 7 lbs, 2.6 ounces, and was 19.5 inches long.... God be praised, she is perfectly healthy and beautiful in every way.

I am just so very grateful for this gift, for her precious life, and to get to spend my days with my baby girl. My cup runneth over.

Hands down, best. birthday. EVER!

Baby J's Birthday

2011-03-05T20:01:00.015-05:00

Man - the days have been flying by. I'm way late on posting this with you all, but that's because a sweet baby girl has been monopolizing my time and attention -- and I've been loving every second of it. But I digress -- on to Baby J's birth story!

Saturday, March 5th, I woke up thinking this weekend would be busy -- though just from all the things we had going on.

DH had his work shower Friday evening -- which lasted 'til 12:30 am (umm, yeah - not your typical 'baby shower' to say the least!), so I was already feeling tired and groggy from the lack of sleep. Saturday morning came early, as I needed to get my brunch dish ready for our march book club meeting.

It was definitely one of those days where I would have been sorely tempted to suck down an entire pot of coffee, had one been placed in front of me. ..Sadly, none was... (sigh)

That morning I did wonder, through my fogginess (as I'd been doing for weeks now), if today would be the day to meet our daughter.

At first, I thought it was going to end up being a day just like the previous 14 or so... with no changes in circumstance.

So I made it through book club without falling asleep on the others, and soon ended up back home, curled up on the couch, to try and catnap my way through the afternoon. DH had gone fishing with his father earlier, so it was just me at home with the pups, and good 'ole HGTV to lull me to sleep.

Sleep, however, seemed to elude me.

And for good reason, I guess... at about 3:45, I felt (rather than heard) a pop, and fluid came rushing out. I practically jumped up (quite a fete, at this stage) off the couch and off the rug onto our hardwood floor, where I experienced yet another big gush of fluid. Not wanting my favorite pair of maternity jeans to get soaked, I stripped those off and started moving to the batrhoom, only for more fluid to leak out... by the time I made it to the toilet, it was running down my legs -- quite a shock to me!

...Definitely no mistaking the fact that my water had just broken!

DH still wasn't home -- I'd assumed he would have been there long before that point - so I immediately called him to ask if he was on his way home. Apparently it had been raining that morning, so his plan for fishing with his dad had been replaced with attending my nephew's Robotics competition with his dad and his brother --- 45 minutes away. ...and he had NOT driven himself there.

(Umm, whoops! ...Not the best decision!)

When I told him that the reason I wanted him to be on his way home already, he immediately went into excited/panic mode, but at least that made him move quickly... he made it home in record time, by my estimate.

In the meantime, I called the OB to advise them of my status, and they encouraged me to take my time getting ready and packing up, but to be sure and get to the hospital 'relatively soon' -- at least by the time the contractions were in the 5-5-1 pattern (more than five contractions spaced five minutes apart, lasting a full minute).

I then called my mom, who had planned to drive down with my sister for the birth. The conversation was pretty hilarious, in retrospect... when I told her my water had broken, she accused me of kidding with her. In my most sarcastic voice, I told her I was...but then immediately clarified that no, I wasn't kidding, and that i would NEVER kid about that ('specially at 38 wks and 4 cm dialated already). But somehow she missed that part, and spent the next 10 minutes telling me all the reasons why it wouldn't be convenient for this weekend (it was bad weather to drive in, she was just getting over a cold, the choir was singing some special song that sunday, etc). Based on all that, I was getting confused, thinking she was changing her mind about coming -- but still tried to persuade her with the idea that driving down on a saturday meant that at least she'd be avoiding rush hour traffic in atlanta! After a few minutes, she ended the conversation with "call me when something really happens" -- at which point I exclaimed, "Mom, something DID happen - my water broke! We're headed to the hospital soon!" ...thankfully she believed me at that point, and then quickly got off the phone to go pack up and hit the road.

...truly a hilarious -- and very typical -- mom-convo for me.

DH then arrived home, and was a complete, total mess... truly the most spazzed-out, ADD that I've ever seen him. He truly didn't know what to do with himself, poor guy. His older sister and her family also stopped by at that point, and wanted to help out. For DH, that just fed his ADD a bit more though -- he would walk into a room to do something, completely forget what he'd walk in there for, and just talk to the niece and nephews instead. Having him track the time of contractions was hilarious -- and quite a fete, given his spaciness! But I knew it was all nerves.

I had decided to get myself ready and take a shower -- but one challenge was that I kept leaking amniotic fluid. --as in, leaked through four pads worth of fluid. --That came as a big surprise to me, since I thought that when your water broke, it broke and that was it. ...Not quite the case ya'll! But my SIL assured me that I should be 'done' leaking fluid... and I naively listened to her.

So we finally finished getting ready, fully packed, and headed out to the hospital about 6:45 -- a full three hours after my water broke. From 5 pm on, I had noticed that the contractions had increased in strength, and seemed to be coming at a steady 4.5 to 5.5 minutes.

We arrived at Northside Hospital at 7, and spent the first 15 or so minutes completing all the last-minute admission paperwork. At that point, I had made it through the drive there and the paperwork without any additional gushes... but as soon as the nurse called our name to show us back to our L&D room, woosh! --- another big gush of fluid surprised me and left me completely soaked. The admissions attendant just laughed, said it happens all the time, and had the nurse wheel me back to the room in a wheelchair, wrapped up in a towel. Not a big deal -- but wow, that took me by surprise!

Florence, our L&D nurse, checked me out, and told us that I was at 5 cm dialated, 90% effaced, and at a -1 (apparently the baby moves in the birth canal from a -2 position through to zero, positive 1 and finally to positive 2 when she's ready to crown). So at that point (about 8:15 pm), I was given the option of either walking around for 45 minutes to see if I progressed more, or going ahead with an epidural & pitocin (and thus being bed-bound). I chose to walk, so they gave me leave to walk 'til about 9 pm.

Now at that point, I had advised the nurse of two things:
1 - I wanted to avoid both pitocin and an epesiotomy at all costs.
2 - I wanted to prolong an epidural as long as I could... I wasn't opposed to it, but I wanted to see if I could go without it.

Sadly, my own OB, Dr. N, was not on call that day -- so I had the choice of going with either Dr. E (the on-call OB) or the midwife, Amanda. I had never met either, so I was a little ambivalent. Florence, however, sang high praise for Amanda, and recommended using her, if I wasn't against midwives. I am not -- so I took her advice and asked for Amanda to work with me.

So we walked around the hospital, interspersed with visits with all my inlaws that were milling about the waiting area. We made it back to our L&D room for our 'check-in' time at 9, and were told that we'd missed a visit from Dr. E whom we'd decided NOT to use -- and it's a good thing we did! Turns out, he had gone ahead and ordered pitocin for me -- without even having examined me or spoken to me first about it. ...That definitely didn't sit well with me, so it just reconfirmed our decision to go with the midwife.

The midwife stopped by soon after, and she was great -- very frank, very funny, all personality! (but in a good way) She reassured me that she'd be there 'til Monday, so we could take all the time we needed. She was also very open and receptive to my desire to avoid pitocin/epidural -- although she did ask me why I was resistant to epidurals... I didn't have a good answer to that, other than the fact that I felt it would be better for the baby to avoid the drugs -- but she countered that with the question, 'Would you have your wisdom teeth pulled without drugs? Or what about your appendix removed? ...So why wouldn't you use them now, if it offered some relief?' ...To which I could say nothing but 'Good point'.

They checked me again, and this time I was at 6 cm, 100% dialated, and at the zero position... so baby J was working her way down the birth canal! Again, we were given the option of walking or being confined to the bed... again, I chose to walk. By this point, it was close to 10 pm before they gave us leave to go again.

We headed back out to the waiting area to update the family, and just as we were walking past the elevators, the doors opened, and my mom and sister stood waiting to step out. The timing was so perfect, all I could think to say was 'Welcome to the hospital!' while they exclaimed in surprise at finding me still up and about.

Mom and sis then joined us on our walk around the hospital... and at that point, the contractions were QUITE strong... by the end of the walk, they were strong enough to take my breath away, and it became impossible to stand still, or carry on a conversation during one.

We made our way back to the room by 10:30ish, and I was starting to feel really nauseated and sweaty... in retrospect, I was probably transitioning, but didn't realize it at the time.

The midwife wasn't around, but nurse Florence was there, and shocked us both by telling us that they were going to hold off checking me 'til the midwife was available -- and she had been called in to assist in a c-section, and also had a few other laboring women to check on as well. So it would possibly be several hours before we saw her, or got checked again.

Given our lack of sleep the night before, and the strength of the contractions at the time, DH started voicing his concern that I would be too worn out to push, if we had to wait 'til the wee hours of the morning... and I frankly was starting to share that concern. We just didn't have any way to know how long or short the wait would be.... so we chose to go ahead and order the epidural (which sometimes can take a half-hour or so for the anesthesiologist to come up).

Thankfully the administration of the epidural was fairly easy, and within 10 minutes of the shot, I was comfortable again. I could still feel the pressure of the contractions when they came, but no pain. They did end up giving me a little pitocin after the epidural was given, and seemingly within a 15-20 minute time-frame, my contractions were coming every 2 to 2.5 minutes.

By that time, it was nearing midnight, and DH went out to tell all the family that it could be several hours, and that they should go home or to the hotel if they wanted to get a few hours of sleep... essentially, that it could be awhile before anything happened.

Seemingly moments after he walked out the door, the midwife walked in, wanting to just 'check in' with me on her way to assist in a c-section. She asked if I was feeling any pain from my contractions since having the epidural. I told her there was no pain, but that I could still feel a great deal of pressure.

At the word 'pressure,' her eyebrows rose up, and she asked me where I was feeling it --in the front or back?

From my perspective, front and back were all one at this point, so I told her both --- which brought her immediately over to the bed. She said she thought she'd just check me real quick, just to see 'where things stood' before she went to the c-section. She proceeded to re-examine me. About that time, DH walked back into the room, just in time to hear her say "No wonder you're feeling pressure -- you're ready to push!"

DH practically jumped, he was so startled by her statement, and immediately replied by saying "but I just told all our family that it would still be hours before anything happened!" When the midwife told him that he should correct them - -that in fact, we could have a baby in the next hour -- he quickly ran back out to advise them of the update. And so he went.

By 12:30, we were all set and ready to start pushing. With every contraction that came on, I was to curl up, holding the back of my thighs for support, and tuck in my chin, focusing on holding the push for 3 10-second intervals.

It was fascinating... DH was on my left, holding my leg and coaching me through each contraction, and would tell me what he could see of her, and how much progress was made with each push. From the outset, he could see her head full of hair - so he was totally hooked into watching what he'd earlier sworn he wouldn't be able to stomach!

Every exclamation from his lips, the look of awe on his face, was all the motivation I needed with my pushing. I was just so very anxious and excited to meet my baby girl.

After five rounds of pushing, at 1:01 am on Sunday, March 6th, I felt a release of weight and pressure as she slid from my body, and Claire Elyse made her entrance into the world, to the sound of her daddy's exclamations of "Oh my God! She's here!," and her mama's laughter at the look of pure joyfulness on her husband's face... My baby girl came into the world to the sound of laughter and joy -- an clear answer to my prayers that God allow us a calm, joyful and peaceful birth.

God also be praised, she was perfectly healthy, and made her presence known immediately, showing off a fine set of lungs with her sweet baby cries. We spent the first hour with her, before all the family fell upon us and she was passed around like a football.

These first five weeks with my sweet Claire have passed so very quickly -- a veritable hazy blur of feedings and changings and nappings... but oh, it is so very sweet. I look at her, upon her tiny, precious, beautiful little face, and feel so very humbled and grateful that God has blessed us with such a gift... that I get to love and care for this child for the rest of my days. Truly, words fail to express the joy and awe I still feel when I look at her - or when I look at DH holding her. We still can't believe she's ours, that she's here - and will be, for the rest of our lives (please God).

A few pictures of the day:

DH and I (with our sweet puppy girl Lila) before leaving for the hospital -- even Lila looks excited to meet the new addition to the family!

DH and I with Claire Elyse, right after her birth - our first family photo!

Our sweet baby girl - our gift from God

And one last one... taken by a friend of ours when Claire was 5 days old... more to come later!

Inch by Inch...

2011-03-02T16:53:00.002-05:00

Ya'll remember that saying? "Inch by inch, life is a cynch. Yard by yard, it is very very hard."

Seems that was beaten into our heads throughout gradeschool. Anyone else hear that one all through their childhood, too?

But it seems to apply to most things in life... you have to take things as they come. It is always easier to take on a little at a time, instead of biting off more than you can handle all at once.

I can't make Baby J's birthday come tomorrow... but I can enjoy the time between now and then, and celebrate each step that brings us closer to that blessed day.

Such as -- being another centimeter dialated! That's right -- per Dr. N yesterday, I'm now at 4 cm. She was quite pleased, telling me that I'm making this whole 'having a baby' seem easy-greasy (oh, please don't let that jinx me!).

My response to her was that at least some part of this whole baby-makin' experience is coming across as 'easy' for my body.

But who am I kidding?? I am grateful for any tiny little thing that my body can do naturally and normally with all this... I'm grateful for every stinkin' moment of this pregnancy, for every swift kick in the ribs I get from Little Miss Soccer Star in there, for every ache and pain and discomfort... I count it pure JOY that I have been able to experience it at all.

That doesn't make me any less ready to meet her though! While I will certainly miss the feeling of Baby J moving around in my belly, I'm sure I wouldn't trade her being in my arms for anything in the world.

Come on, birth day! Get here already!!

A bundle of nerves - the Waiting Game

2011-02-28T15:47:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow morning I have my 37 week appointment with Dr. N, and I am DYING to find out if I've progressed any. ...and trying not to get my hopes up if she tells me I haven't.

We're ready. -- Or rather, we think we're ready. DH is nervous as can be -- I think the reality and increasing proximity of my due date is really freaking him out...

Case in point - packing the hospital bags.

We had talked about needed to have bags packed for the hospital even prior to our 'babymoon' a few weeks ago... and you would think that last week's news from Dr. N would have jump-started that process.

Nope!

I brought it up that very evening, when we got home from work - need to get those bags packed!

I brought it up that Thursday - he assured me we'd tackle it Friday night.

Friday night came and went - we got home later than anticipated, and DH suggested we wait 'til Saturday when we'd have 'more time' and were better-rested.

Saturday came and went -- and while I did some pre-packing laundry to get ready for packing -- DH did everything he could to avoid it. ...He even started working on our tax return as his procrastination!

When we went to bed that evening, I cornered him on the issue -- and he admitted that the procrastination was all stemming from his nervousness about it all (L&D, bringing the baby home, my impending retirement from work--and the pressure that puts on HIM to provide for us), and that packing the hospital bag made it seem that much more imminent and real...so he'd been avoiding it.

But we know that God has, in all things, provided abundantly more than we've needed for each and every circumstance... and we know that He will continue to do so after I 'retire' from the working world. So I tried as best I could to comfort my hubby with reminders of how He's provided for us in the past... As to the nervousness about the baby's impending arrival -- I told him he's not the only one nervous about it (and also QUITE anxious for it to get here already!!). And while I know it will be tough and a major blur for a few (or more) weeks, I know we're ready for this.

We're practically there... the moment we've been praying for and dreaming of for almost 5 years now.

So we woke up Sunday morning, went to sunday school, and then skipped big church to come back home and pack our bags. They're now residing in the hallway upstairs, all set and ready to go.

Every time I see them, I get a little thrill down my spine. ...and I can't help but wonder when we'll need them.

I wake up most mornings with the same thought... will today be the day that Baby J makes her grand entrance? Will I get to meet my little one today?

Only God knows!

Hoping tomorrow's appointment brings good news --- and if not, that my walk with a good friend after work will get things moving!

So this is really happening, huh?

2011-02-22T16:49:00.003-05:00

Well folks, I guess I'm really going to have a baby soon... and maybe sooner than I thought!

I had my 36 week appointment today. This marked the first of my 'weekly' visits, of which they always do an internal exam of my girly parts. (woohoo)

Dr. N was asking the routine questions - have I been having any contractions? Do I feel ok? Have I noticed any swelling? etc? ...to which my responses were yes, yes, and yes... though only braxton hicks (to my knowledge), and only minimal swelling (mostly in my feet/legs by the end of the day).

So you understand why it would shock my socks off when Dr. N finishes her internal exam by telling me she needs to ask me the contraction question again -- since I'm 3 cm dialated and 70% effaced already!!

Wwhhhat the whaaaaat???

Shocked. Seriously shocked, people.

And a tad deliriously happy/excited/nervous/anxious.... I am so READY to meet Little Miss! ...But oh my -- we gotta get on it with some other stuff-- don't have the car seat in yet, don't have any NB size diapers (am praying my baby won't quite fit into the size 1 8lb+ size...!), haven't packed a hospital bag yet ----haven't even taken the freakin' tour of the hospital to know where to GO yet...

But all that stuff'll fall into place, right??

Dr. N did warn me that my dialation/effacement doesn't necessarily mean that I'll go into 'active' labor before my due date (3 weeks 4 days away). She said they can't really predict when I'll go -- it could be another 2 weeks, or 2 days. It all boils down to when my body says it's time. But whenever labor really kicks in, they won't do anything to stop Baby J from making her grand entrance, at this point.

...In sharing this news with a) my DH, and b) my boss,I think I might have caused a mini-panic for both of them... heee. If we can just finish up the interview process for my boss, I think he'd feel a lot better. As for DH -- I think he's going to continue in mini-panic mode, whatever happens at this point.

I'm just so ready to meet my baby girl!

Work Daze

2011-02-18T13:30:00.002-05:00

The decision has been made, and the boss and HR informed -- I will be staying home after my 12 weeks of FMLA are over.

Even though this was what my heart has been leaning toward all along, it was still quite difficult to actually say the words out loud.

...Didn't help the situation any that my boss has been making random comments vascillating between "when your leave is over/when you're back" and "you're going to love being home/we're really going to miss you" -- leaving me wondering what they're thinking? Did I even need to make it a formal statement, or did they already assume I'd stay home??

But in the end, I confirmed with my boss that I would, indeed, be choosing to stay home with Baby J.

...It's a scary statement to make these days, given the present economy and all... who in their right minds walks away from a good job, working with great people, and good benefits??

So I am just trusting in God's leading, that this IS the right decision for me and for our family...and praying that I don't end up going stir-crazy -- like my sister did when she was at home (her hubby ended up making her go back into the working world, just because they couldn't afford to keep paying for all her new house 'projects.' Poor guy would come home from work to find a wall taken down, or their bed thrown away!)

The next few weeks are likely to be tough at work, too. They've started the process of looking for my replacement, and we have 5 internal candidates to interview early next week... one of them being my assistant.

Don't get me wrong -- my assistant is wonderful, and has made life in my dept these past 2 years SO much smoother and easier. But she's not the right person for my job. Her personality and the way she handles stress and conflict would just not mesh well with it at all... nor do I think she'd be happy doing it in the long run. --Happy with the increased pay, maybe, but not the job itself.

At my work, they make you take these online 'profiles' that determine whether you would be a match to a certain job position or not... and typically won't interview any candidates with less than a 70% match to the job.

However, in my assistant's case, they're making an exception. Her profile was not a match for the job - not by a significant amount - but they've decided to let her interview anyways, since she 'stood in the gap' for me and my basic job responsibilities last year during our Project From Hell. They say she's earned the right to an interview.

While I don't disagree that she's earned that right - I do wonder if that's giving her false hope, and setting me (and my boss) up for a harder time later, when she doesn't get the role. She's already made comments to others on how she considers herself already trained to do my job, and that it would 'annoy her to train someone else to be her boss.' ...NOT a good sign... Although she did cover the basics, and did a fairly good job of it -- she didn't take care of everything that falls under the scope of my total job, nor did everything she handled during my absence get done 100% correctly... not an easy thing to address with someone after-the-fact, and without coming across as a horrid micro-manager with a laundry-list of wrong-doings to pin on their employee.

Since her profile is so very much mismatched to the job, I know they wouldn't really consider her as a candidate beyond the first interview... which just seems so cruel. Wouldn't it be better to be told that a computer claims you're not a match for a role (less personal), than to get to interview for the job, and then be rejected?? I just feel like she'll take it so much harder after the interview.

Selfishly, I also worry about the stress or tension that will play out once she's been rejected... it's not going to be fun. She's much more on the dramatic/emotional side anyways, so I'm already anticipating the depth of anger/resentment/guilt-inflicting looks or comments/bitterness that may crop up from all this. ---Not to mention, how she'll adjust to whoever will be her new manager!

For myself, I'm praying for this process to go quickly, and be as painless and drama-free as possible... and for my department, I'm praying that God will prepare the heart of both my assistant, and my replacement, for one another -- to accept them with an open heart, no matter how this plays out.

Thirty Days and Counting...

2011-02-17T15:31:00.003-05:00

So in the next 4 weeks (give or take one), we're going to be leaving a hospital with a teeny tiny baby girl... and life as we've known it will never be the same.

This is all starting to feel very, very real.

As in a, wow-oh-my-gosh-am-I-ready-no-help-we're-not-ready-yet sort of way.

Since my last post, we've had our 4 baby showers, and baby things have now taken over our house. ...Mostly in the form of pink clothing, but thankfully not all of it!

I've done four loads of baby-specific laundry.... and pulling out one teeny-tiny outfit after another doesn't seem to lessen the shock of how very small this little one may be.

The baby's room is set up - furniture in place, bedding washed and on the bed, clothes and blankets and bibs and socks and sleepers either folded and in drawers or hung up, all just waiting to be used.

Only a few things left to purchase from our registries -- and thanks to an overabundance of newborn clothes and duplicate books/other items, we have a good bit of store credit to use towards fulfilling the 'basics' we still need. (DH is pretty darn excited about that!)

The baby showers were absolutely beautiful, each one. It was fun to see the different groups of people at each, and of course everyone was overwhelmingly generous and so thoughtful in how each one was planned, decorated, presented. But they were also hard, in a way. Even though it's an amazing feeling to finally be at a baby shower thrown for your own baby -- it doesn't lessen the strange feeling over being at a baby shower--even one you've looked forward to!--after having avoided them or suffered through so many for so long. That's a weird transition. I also don't relish being the center of attention -- so just having that many people eyeing me all at once was a tad disconcerting!

I almost made it through all four with no crying... almost.

But in the end, I am blessed with beautiful memories of each - and DH, Baby J, and I are most definitely blessed by the love and generosity of so many friends and family.

Last weekend we took our 'babymoon' trip down to Seagrove Beach, FL - so nice to get away for a few days! We both took off Thursday and Friday to make it a good long weekend trip and man, was it. We did a whole lotta nothing... which was absolutely fine in my book. Every day we'd walk on the beach for a few hours after breakfast, then go explore the area - either Seaside, which we could walk into, or another local beach town within a short drive of Seagrove. Then we'd have lunch wherever we were, head back to the beach cottage for a short rest (or more Sportscenter, as in the case of DH), and then hit the beach again around 4 or 5 to watch the sun go down and walk more. Every night we tried a different local restaurant - which is always fun in my book. Then we'd stop and get a dollar movie from Redbox and call it an evening. (Note to self - never subject yourself to "The Other Guys" again - it was awful! and move "Red" up in your queue)

We lucked into sunny weather while there, but sadly, it wasn't terribly warm... it was mostly in the low-to-mid 50's during the day, and 30's at night. But at least a) that gave me an additional excuse to avoid any sort of bathing suit experience at 35 weeks, and b) we never really got sweaty during all our beach walking! So there were definitely some good advantages to the cool weather. ..That, and I could cuddle up more to the hubby. Always a plus!

As of Saturday, I'll be 36 weeks and officially in the 'no travel' zone... craziness. This pregnancy has just been flying by for me. ...Which means I need to get a move on getting everything else set up or put away and organized! (yikes) Before I know it, she'll be here!

Body-wise, I am definitely feeling very pregnant these days. Big, uncomfortable, easily flushed and hot, and starting to notice slight swelling in my hands, legs & feet. Even a slight spreading of my feet, which I'd long been praying to avoid (please don't be permanent! I love my fun heels and all my boots!!) The pregnancy waddle is definitely unavoidable now, for which DH gets endless entertainment -- that, and the sound of my groaning as I try to roll from one side to the other during the night... not an easy task, at this point. Braxton-Hicks are becoming a companion to any form of activity - even just walking up the stairs, or from my desk to the restroom at work.

But despite it all, I am grateful for every single second of discomfort. I am just so grateful to be here - to be carrying Little Miss - and to be this close to meeting our little girl.

The next 30 days can't pass quickly enough!

Snow Daze

2011-01-13T13:05:00.008-05:00

Snow Day #4 here in the suburbs of Atlanta, GA... restlessness is setting in, and our store of food is quickly dwindling. The fact that I can easily walk into the kitchen to grab a snack every hour and a half, isn't helping!

Here's a great pictorial of a southerner's mentality regarding snow, as shared by one of my co-workers:

It really wasn't so bad in the first 2 days... I was still able to get outside and walk the dogs with DH, and felt relaxed and happy getting to work from the comfort of my couch, still in my pj's all day. Rolling out of bed at 9 and not worrying about getting ready, the commute, etc., is certainly nothing to complain about!

The ice that set in Tuesday night, however, has really made me start to feel more 'stuck.' I tried walking the dogs with DH yesterday, but after I'd gingerly made it 4 driveways down the road, DH suggested that I turn back, worried that there might be too much ice and not enough slush or powder left for me to retain good footing on the walk. And let's face it -- our dogs don't exactly pay attention to my pleas to be well-behaved and not pull their mommy when they get excited. They're only 35 lbs each -- but that's more than enough to throw me off balance if they decided to start pulling suddenly.

Observations on Day 4 of Snow in GA:
- Daytime TV really is abysmal.
- There's only so much soup you can eat during cold weather... DH keep saying he's going through chewing withdrawals.
- On the other hand --Soup is so stinkin' easy to make, and so good... other things seems so much more complicated to make. Or maybe it's that I don't have enough 'one-and-done' meal options in my repetoire?
- I keep telling myself today's the day I'm going to try out that "perfect preg.nancy" video I got for Christmas... and then I go back, sit on the couch, and watch more trash tv.
- People in the south really don't know how to drive when there's any sort of precipitation falling from the sky or stuck on the ground. All traffic laws and standards are immediately cast aside for a 'whatever works for me' mentality... so drivers beware!
- I would love to paint my toenails, but am not sure I can bend over to reach them, for that length of time anymore... (how pathetic is that??)
- Baking sounds really appealing to me right now... but I can't find any recipes that don't call for eggs, which we're out of already.
- My dogs sleep all stinkin' day! No wonder they're usually maniacs by the time we get home from work at night... lazy bums.
- On a positive note, day #4 of procrastination on housecleaning is going QUITE well... thanks to crap daytime tv.

Honestly, it hasn't been entirely bad. Being home more than usual has allowed DH and I to make great strides in cleaning out closets, organizing, storing things in the basement, and switching around some of the furniture in anticipation of setting up nursery upstairs. He even got REALLY motivated yesterday, and ended up removing the old rod/shelf in the closet, and started trimming out the room in the new paint color. ...So progress is being made! --By him, anyways.

Now if I could just kick myself into high gear.

This weekend is our first baby shower (gah!) in Nashville. Praying for clear roads, and no icy remnants through the mountains near Chattanooga! Also praying that I get through it without any breakdowns. I get teary even thinking of being at a shower that's being thrown in honor of a baby of our own... being there is going to be surreal.

But I am quite excited. Just need to figure out good hostess gifts - and quickly. My plan of using lunchbreaks these past few days to run over to the mall and pick out something for the hosts have been completely foiled...now I just have tomorrow to find something perfect for each of the 3 hostesses.

Any ideas from the peanut gallery? Here's to successful shopping!

Looking Ahead

2011-01-11T10:52:00.004-05:00

Man, I'm a slacker! Not a single post since before Thanksgiving -- ay de mi! My apologies to the blogging community for such outright negligence. Hope you'll forgive me.

So what have the last few months looked like in my world? Here's a quick rundown:

Thanksgiving: Made the trek from Atlanta to Memphis with our two dogs for Turkey Day with my entire extended family. It was wonderful -- up until the point that DH and I came down with my niece & nephew's stomach bug they'd caught at school. Thankfully, we'd traveled home on Saturday and woke up with it on Sunday -- so at least we were in the comfort of our own home while sick. Two and a half days of sickness definitely ensured that I didn't gain any 'excess holiday weight' for my next OB appointment though!

December:

My friend A got married on the 4th. It was beautiful... an intimate service with about 25 guests, at a quaint little stone church in town. The only unexpected (and thus bad) surprise was that my dress - which I'd bought a mere 4 weeks before the event--fit quite differently on the wedding day than when I'd bought it. ...while I had anticipated a bigger belly to fill out the front, I had NOT anticipated that my girls would also increased in size...and thus ended up on greater display than previously imagined. Let's just say that I wore a wrap for the remainder of the night, post-wedding service.

The next weekend, the 11th, was the weekend my friend G was supposed to get married. I continue to call and email, but with no response. My heart still hurts so much for her, and for the pain and disappointment she must be going through right now. Still praying that she'll decide to let me in a little, and respond to one of my attempts at communication...

My hairdresser decided to retire and move to Peachtree City (about an hour south of Atlanta -- which would be about 1.5 hours+ south of where we live)... I am devestated. She was a curly hair genius, and so very sweet. She, too, had struggled with IF to get pregnant, had suffered a miscarriage in her 2nd trimester, and then thankfully went on to carry her sweet and healthy son to full term... so she and i had lots to share with each other when we'd meet for haircuts. I am going to miss her friendship and presence greatly-- AND her magical touch with my wayward curls.

The rest of Christmas was a blur of work... I tried to honor the dr's wishes and not work beyond 10 hours a day, but in the thick of our busiest time of year, it was hard to do. Thanks to having an extra temp around the office (thank you Lord!), the longest I would go was 12 hours... then I'd head home, sit like a zombie on the couch for an hour, and hit the sack.

Worst of all was the fact that I caught some sort of cold on the 21st, and it just kept dragging on and morphing into something worse. I had it through Christmas (a lovely 4 day reprieve from work, spent at my in-law's -- and the first white christmas Atl has seen in 120-odd years!), and it just kept hanging on through New Year's. That weekend I was so miserable that DH woke up to me crying in bed.. I was so over being sick, and my cough kept me up and not able to breathe that well, that I hadn't slept well in days... topping it off with being pregnant, not being able to get comfortable, and not being able to take anything to knock out the cold, and I was at the end of my rope. Needless to say, after that night, I showed up bright and early at the dr's office on Monday morning, and they were able to give me an antibiotic for my cold-morphed-sinus infection/ear infection. Sweet relief!

NYE itself wasn't too bad. I had to work 'til 8 -- which is rather early, in comparison to years' past. Then I drove home to a clean house and got ready to have a few friends over to celebrate the New Year. It was nice, small, and not too rowdy -- which is exactly what I needed.

It's hard to believe that 2011 is here... and that I will be meeting my Little Miss in just 10 short weeks. Looking back at 2010, it's amazing to me to look back on all that we went through, and where God has us now.

At the outset of 2010, we were feeling hopeful to begin our first round of IVF...only to have a rough first start with meds in February and have to stop... then our abismal failure of round #1 in April... and to have to convince ourselves to move foward and maintain hope (and not get our hopes up) for our (blessedly successful) round #2 in June.

Then, miracle of all miracles, we found ourselves with a positive pregnancy in July... and our hopes and fears suddenly took on a different tone and meaning. We found ourselves in unchartered territory. I'd spent 44 months reading up on IF and how to GET pregnant. I knew nothing about being pregnant, or what to expect, what to look for in terms of warning signs if something went wrong, what I should/shouldn't do/eat, whatever. I was so anxious about Baby J, and whether or not she would make it through the first trimester, then through 24 weeks (point of viability).

Here in 2011, I find myself still praying for her continued health and growth... that she develop and grow as she should for the next 10 weeks. That the birth go well and there not be any medical issues for little miss. That she be born healthy and strong... and a good sleeper (please God!).

One of my favorite verses in the bible is Colossians 1:17, which says "He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together."

To me, it is a true reflection of life. He goes before me, and is always there, paving our way. We may not understand (or appreciate!) His timing with how life goes, or why it takes so long for some prayers to be answered, but I have no doubt that in the end, "in Him, all things hold together." He held me together for those 44 months of desperate cries and pleadings for a baby. He held me together on those days when I couldn't help but cry in the bathroom at work, or while walking the dogs, or when I was hiding my tears from DH in the shower. He held me together when I was overwhelmed with anger and bitterness and resentment at our situation, with even having to deal with IF at all -- and feeling so entitled to kids, compared to others that I saw around me that seemingly got knocked up just by thinking of se.x.

He held me together when our first round of IVF failed, and I wasn't sure I could take the pain of IF and treatments and the unfairness of our situation any longer. He held me together when I was petrified of starting round #2, for fear of similar failures awaiting us.

He held me together when I dared to allow hope to take root in my heart, despite the cost I knew I would pay, if it should all go awry. He held me together when we made it through our ER successfully, then our ET... and with our positive beta test.

He's held me through every step in these last 30 weeks of pregnancy... and I have no doubt that whatever 2011 has to bring (and beyond), that He will continue to hold us together through it all.

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes, and while none of us would ever wish for blessings to come in the form of struggles or misfortunes, I know that God has blessed us greatly through our struggles with IF, and our failures and trials over the course of 2010 (and prior). And as painful as they were, I would not trade them for anything. They have brought us to where we are today, and as I sit here and consider all that we have to anticipate in 2011, we are richly blessed, indeed.

Monday Monday

2010-11-22T12:36:00.002-05:00

...be good to me...

I'm dragging today. A long weekend of Christmas shopping and caring for both pups by myself has left me feeling pretty tired. --That, and having to wake up extra-early for my 23-week OB appointment.

Thankfully, everything with Little Miss looks good, and I am keeping my weight gain at a normal 1 lb a week rate.

...Wonder if I'll succeed in keeping that rate for my next appointment, post-Turkey-Day?

I also started in on my other major project, "Make Room For Baby," and cleaned out two drawers full of pictures to put away in photo boxes. ...this in rather small and vain attempt to clean up & organize the two rooms needed to convert one into the guest room and the other into the nursery. I must admit - while I did get the photo project done, I've realized that didn't make even a dent in the rest of what needs to be done to get those two rooms in order. Ay yi yi...

But I won't think about that now... I'll think about that in January. (Love that Scarlett!)

Eleven days 'til my friend A's wedding on the 4th. Think that's enough time to tone up my arms?? (Sigh)

Okay... enough ramblings from me. My brain is scattered today from lack of sleep, and my thoughts are following suit.

Dear Lord, please let the next two days of work pass by without too much craziness or last minute issues... And please let me sleep at night, so I don't feel like a rambling, babbling idiot during the day. Amen.

Whistle While You Work

2010-11-16T14:07:00.004-05:00

I'm going to have to remind myself to do this in the coming weeks... anything to make it seem more manageable and less stressful!

Work these past two weeks has been very busy. And I realize that we're at the point of the year when it should be... I just didn't (and don't) feel very prepared for it to be already. I think maybe the PFH has thrown off my internal calendar - and definitely my 'groove' in working with gifts. I still feel like it should be September or something, with year-end busyness still several months away.

I am quite thankful, however, that I'm at this stage in pregnancy to handle it all, when energy is still high, I'm feeling good, and Little Miss's kicks aren't so very strong yet that they inflict pain or loss of breathe. :-)

People are starting to talk to me about babyshowers in early 2011, which is just so surreal. To be at a babyshower, thrown for a baby of mine... I was seriously losing all hope that that day would ever come.

I am definitely going to lose it when that day finally arrives. Guess I better warn the hosts to have plenty of Klee.nex on hand to stem the waterworks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On another note - the sunday school class at my church was covering the issue of pain and suffering over the past two weeks' classes. This was actually a topic that I'd requested last year that they speak on... how to deal with pain and suffering in our lives, and how not to take offense at God when we go through those times. We missed the first session of it, sadly, but were there for this sunday's session... and while it didn't cover everything I would have wanted to hear about (most likely what I missed from the previous sunday!), it was so very good, I thought I'd share a bit from it.

They reviewed the story in John 11 of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, when Lazarus falls sick and dies, and in the end is resurrected by Jesus. There's a passage of time in the story during which Lazarus was sick, declined rapidly, died, and then several days passed before Jesus' arrival to Mary & Martha's house. Knowing that he could have saved Lazarus, you can just imagine the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment that must have been brewing in Mary and Martha in the days before Jesus' arrival. In fact, you can hear it in the passive (yet very accusatory) tone of her first comment to him, when she says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

Kind of how I felt down in the miry pit of IF for so very long... bitter, hurt, angry, and resentful that I had to deal with IF at all...that God hadn't saved me from that, or that He hadn't yet chosen to bless me with a pregnancy, month after month after month. So completely bogged down by those thoughts and feelings that I was taking the absence of the response (read: pregnancy) that I wanted from Him as equating to abandonment by Him...

Which it was not.

It's funny though, Jesus' response to Mary's comment. He doesn't address her accusatory statment at all. He completely changed the subject by telling her who He was ("I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die."), and asking her if she believe this.

Now, my immediate reaction is that if this is what I heard as my only response when asking such a question of Jesus, I would be royally ticked. I mean, hello, do you not see my pain here? The bitterness? The anger and hurt? Why are you trying to avoid answering me?

I'm pretty sure those same thoughts were running through my brain (or shouted) over the course of many dark nights of the soul during our four years of trying...

But I think the point made in this story is that Jesus was trying to draw Mary out of her pit of despair -- bring her out to the light of day, beyond the overwhelming darkness and agony of her pain, and remind her of the truth.

The story of Lazarus is a story of deliverance. Deliverance of Lazarus from death. Deliverance of us all through Christ. Deliverance for all of us from our problems, if we just remind ourselves of His truths, and trust in Him.

--While this doesn't necessarily make the problems go away or resolve them, there's no doubt that we'd find more comfort and peace if we truly allowed ourselves to rest and trust in Him, than to cry and rage at things beyond our control.

I realize that it may seem quite easy to some of you for me to say this, now that I'm 'on the other side' and expecting. And while there may be some truth to that, I can tell you honestly that while this would be hard to hear and believe in during our TTC trial, I would have wanted it to be true--and in that wanting, would have found some relief and comfort.

One part that resonated so deeply in me with this story, that I had never picked up on before... I'm sure you've all heard that the shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept." This verse is in the Lazarus story - John 11:35. What struck me about it is that he wasn't weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. He was weeping because of the pain and heartache he witnessed on Mary's face.

That the Son of God, who knows the beginning, middle, and end of ALL of our stories, and who knew that Lazarus would be resurrected and restored to his sisters -- that the compassionate nature of our Father was reflected by his weeping with Mary, in witnessing her heartbreak, is incredible to me.

It makes me think back to all the times I sat and cried in the shower because I didn't want to upset DH anymore, or cried while walking the dogs alone, or in my car, or in the work bathrooms... the myriad of places where I have broken down and cried out my pain. That my Father in heaven would not only hear my cries and see my tears, but would cry with me.... I cannot explain how much that means to me, and how much that alone strengthens my faith.

I am so grateful for it. Without it, I don't know how I could have endured those 45 months.

Praying that you all have light and truth in your lives to hold on to when the going gets rough...

It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding

2010-11-03T20:52:00.004-04:00

It's a, nice day to, start agaaaaaaaain....

Who else can't help but hear that Billy Idol line when they think of weddings??

I found my b-maid dress for A's wedding over the weekend, and thankfully, it's a maternity one. Ol.ian Maternity, long black dress, 'yoke' neckline with black beading... very classic, and while it was more than I'd wanted to pay -- at least all it needs is a good hem-job a week or two beforehand, hallelujah!

In sad wedding-related news... I finally heard back from my other friend G, whose wedding was set for Dec. 11th. She had talked her fiance into going to a few counseling sessions last week, to see if they could work through their (or his) issues... but in the end, it seems her fiance's mind was made up. So their wedding has officially been cancelled.

My heart hurts for her. She still won't talk about what happened -- or really respond to any emails/texts/voicemails... So I'm just praying for her, that she would be surrounded by friends and family who will love and encourage her through this, and that she'll find peace in the situation, somehow.

She's a strong girl...I just hate to know she's hurting. Every time I think of her, I think of this lovely song by Step.hen Kel.log and the Si.xers~

But it's alright
It's gonna hurt sometimes
Everyone bleeds
Even when the sun shines

You gotta see yourself like I do
See yourself from my point of view
No one else can get through
Until you see yourself
Like somebody that loves you.

I tried to link the you-tube video, for anyone that wanted to listen...but alas, my blogger-skills fail me once again. If you find it on you-tube, fast-forward to 0:28, and enjoy. We'll see if the old-fashioned URL listing will work for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRYxw1y6mro

And I hope she'll get past this hurt and be able to see herself like so many of us see her... as someone who is beautiful, vibrant, loveable, smart, funny, generous, and wholly deserving of good man to sweep her off her feet and love & adore her for the rest of her life.

On that note -- have a great weekend ya'll! Hope you all do something fun.

Gender Reveal!

2010-11-03T20:22:00.007-04:00

Yikes... two weeks since my last post. Sorry ladies! What a slacker I am.

SO! Last Friday -- our big Finding Out party with the padres and all the in-laws. It was so fun! My parents drove in from Nashville and got in around 5:30, just as I was putting the finishing touches on everything. I'd picked up the cake on the way home from work, and the baker had ensured there'd be no peaking by covering the cake in a thick layer of fondant chocolate icing... absolutely impossible to 'taste-test' without it being obvious to the world.. smart baker.

The in-laws descended around 7, and everyone was eager to cut the cake. One of my SIL's kept begging us to cut the cake first -- but what fun is that? Then the anticipation factor is out the window, and it's just a regular old dinner party. Thankfully, both DH and I thought it would be more fun to prolong the torture for another hour or so...so we did.

We took a vote on how many thought Baby J was a girl vs. boy...and my, how interesting that was! When we first announced our pregnancy, I'd say the majority of both families claimed we would have a boy. Now that I'm showing, however, I guess that has swayed the opinion... there were 7 votes for a girl, 4 for a boy, and 4 abstained (mostly my nieces & nephews, who were much more interested in our wii than baby-matters).

Then we set out the cake and got ready to find out the truth for ourselves.

Upon first slice of the cake, we could hardly tell what color the batter was, the knife came out so clean! But once we lifted up the slice, there was no longer any doubt... that cake was about as pepto-bismal PINK as you can get!

GIRL it is... and Baby J is now officially Little Miss Baby J, woohoo!

As soon as all the whooping and celebrating died down, DH asked to see the envelope that the u/s tech had given us, just to 'double-check.'

Thankfully, she was very specific -- included a note for us that said "Congratulations...it's a girl!" AND a picture of the money-shot, as confirmation.

The Money Shot

Another couple cute pics of 'Lil Miss...

At 19w2d

Cute little feet

And a wave to the audience! -- already such a social young thing, wouldn't you agree?

Fun stuff, right?

In other news... I said goodbye for now to my last pair of non-maternity pants today. I could wear them another week, maybe, but let's face it...they're not exactly comfortable around the waist any longer. Better to opt for the comfy, stretchy-waist pants (ahhh!). Demi-waist band, how I love you!

These past few days, I feel like my belly has pooched out a little more. Every time I say something like that around the DH, he makes fun of me and reminds me that yes, it should--'cause I'm pregnant.

And it's not that I don't KNOW this... but hey, isn't a gal allowed to marvel and wonder at the changes in her body?? I mean, seriously... it's crazy to wake up a swear that your belly is noticeably bigger than it was the day before. ...And it's definitely a noticeable baby-belly now. Which I love.

Still waking up so grateful for each day of this pregnancy...with every little kick and roll I feel, I stand amazed at the blessing God has granted me. May that never, ever change.

From Shower to Shower

2010-10-22T16:23:00.003-04:00

Ahh, Friday!

Thank goodness I've made it to yet another weekend... and I am thinking that I'm pretty well-prepared for A's bridal shower tomorrow - despite my disastrous experience (to be shared later) in the kitchen last night! Let's just hope I can do a good enough job cleaning out the oven, so that it won't smoke for me tomorrow, when everyone's at the house and I'm baking the breakfast casserole...

I go from hosting A's shower tomorrow morning, to a 4-hour couples baby shower tomorrow afternoon.

...Am still trying to figure out what exactly could be planned at this shindig to warrant a four-hour time slot. DH, on the other hand, is convinced that the hosts are intentionally trying to torture the male guests.

No further news on my friend G, or her wedding... just confirmation back from her that she'd actually only told me and three others about it. That's only half the number of bridesmaids she has, too... so I'm DEFINITELY keeping my mouth shut (as is DH, and his friend Adam) about it from here on out.

Work has been crazy this week. Currently my dept has 19 potential charitable contributions (or 'gifts') in the works... which is about 3 times the normal number for this time of year. I'm used to 19 or more come November, and definitely by December... but this is atypical for October. I'm hoping that means we're getting some done early, and we won't have near as many smushed into the last 2 weeks of the year... but that's most likely wishful thinking.

My belly is definitely poking out now. No hiding it, at 19 weeks (woohoo!). Though I am proud to say that I can still fit into two pairs of my 'big girl' non-maternity pants... if only for another week or so.

Enjoy the weekend, ladies!

Oh, Bother

2010-10-20T10:34:00.002-04:00

This isn't good... not good at all.

I got home yesterday after work, and as we were getting ready to take the pups for a walk, DH starts asking whether I've heard anything more from my friend G, regarding her (potentially cancelled) wedding. I said no.

He then mentions that he'd asked a mutual friend of ours (and G's) from our college days, Adam, whether he'd heard anything about it.

Cue my freak-out.

I immediately laid into him for talking to someone else about it. Based on everything I'd told him (which is not much -- basically everything in my last post reflected the little I know about the situation!), there is NOTHING out there that would suggest that this news is 'public'. I've told him since Sunday evening that I've seen nothing that refers to this on either a) their wedding website, b) face.book, or c) in an email or second text out to the wedding party.

As such, my point to him was, if this had happened to us during our wedding planning/engagement, don't you think that I would still be hoping and praying that our fight blows over? That we would reconcile?

I'm still hoping that for her at this point.

Then I asked him to call Adam back and ask him to keep his mouth shut about it, and not to say anything to anyone... at which point DH told me it was too late for that -- that he'd already asked another guy if he'd heard anything about it, or what was going on. Apparently this other guy was in the groom's fraternity pledge class, so Adam thought he might be 'in the know.' ---Not that any of that really matters when you're 8 years out of college, like they are! To assume someone knows something, just because they were in the same pledge class, seems a little ridiculous to me.

And now it's out there. And I am SO not happy with DH about it.

I reiterated the fact to DH that he really had no business asking anyone about it... that until the news was disseminated to the public somehow -- whether via their wedding website, or by an email or phone call to any wedding party members or invitees to the wedding -- that he really should have kept his mouth shut about it. It wasn't our news to tell. And I though I'd made that clear by my continual reiteration of the fact that NOTHING ELSE HAS BEEN STATED ANYWHERE ABOUT IT, at ALL.

You would have thought he would have at least asked if he could say something to A about it -- we had planned on sharing a hotel with A and his wife that weekend and all.

Now I just hate thinking that this could get back to either the groom or to G, that people now know -- I hate to think that DH and I are to blame for that.

In DH's defense -- he feels awful about it, and now sees why he shouldn't have said anything.. or why he should have at least checked about it with me first, before he talked to anyone.

I've always said I love DH despite his mouth -- let's just say this isn't the first time it's gotten him into trouble.

But man...I feel terrible.

Jilted

2010-10-19T12:10:00.003-04:00

I'm officially 18 weeks and counting...less than a week to go before our next u/s, when we find out the gender! I'm so excited. I know it will be hard to wait the four days between our scan on Monday and our "finding out" party that Friday night, but it will be fun to learn the sex with all DH's family and my parents there. Can't WAIT.

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On a sad note....I got a random text from my friend G on Sunday -- she's the one getting married December 11th in Philly, whose ginormous bridemaid's dress I had to get in a size 16 due to my baby bump (and just picked up last week). It was pretty shocking --she was letting all the bridesmaids know that her fiancé has called off the wedding... 7 weeks before the big day.

I feel so bad for her - and I HATE that she's so far away. She said she didn't want to talk in her text--and she is famous for drawing herself in and shutting everyone out when things aren't going well (she did the same thing when her mom had a stroke several years ago). And while I understand the need for time, and not wanting to talk about it over and over again -- I HATE feeling so helpless, and not being there to walk through this tough time with her.

And I have absolutely no idea what happened to bring this about. G is impossible to get in touch with -- I've called/emailed/texted for years without getting more than a few responses in a 12 month period... so my expectations of actually hearing anything from her are low, sadly. Another b-maid lives in town that went to college with both of us, so I've sent her an email, asking if G had mentioned any stresses or issues when she was there for the bachelorette weekend a few weeks ago...we'll see if she knows of anything.

I'm also still hoping this will blow over between them... somewhat. They dated for 9 years long-distance before they even lived in the same city, and then got engaged a year later... and during that 9 years LD, it was definitely a roller-coaster ride. He would be all about marriage, and she wouldn't -- then they'd reverse roles, and SHE'd be gung-ho about getting hitched, and he'd be indifferent or unsure. So part of me wonders if this isn't just a 'relapse' into their old behaviors...or if this is really the heart of how he feels. I definitely don't want them to get hitched if either have any real doubts, Lord knows.

DH is, of course, thinking of the money we've already spent towards this... about $450 in airfare, $300 on the b-maid dress, another $100 or so on the bridal shower/bachelorette party...thank goodness we hadn't yet booked our hotel or had the dress altered. Yikes.

But worst of all, I received their wedding invitation in the mail yesterday. I'm betting that a large majority of her invites were sent out already, which means she/he or both will have to make phone calls or send follow-up letters out to everyone, letting them know it's off. ...I can only imagine how painful that would be... talk about pouring salt in an open wound!

My heart just hurts for her. And at this point, all I know to do is pray for her... just wish I was there to give her a big hug, too.

Home, and ready for the weekend

2010-10-15T11:31:00.003-04:00

I ended up not going to the conference this week -- per Doctor's orders. I went back on Tuesday morning, and the Doc confirmed that my left ear was still infected, and that flying would "risk rupturing or perforating" my ear drum. -- Not exactly anything I'd like to experience, thank you!

They gave me new meds, and sent me out with a doctor's note for the trip.

My boss, thank goodness, took the news well, and thankfully, agreed with my decision not to go. I could have driven down, but he wasn't too keen on the idea of me driving a)sick, b) on medicine, and c) all by myself... so the decision was final. I stayed home.

And man, am I glad I did! Just the thought of having to do all that laundry and packing up and getting ready wore me out on Tuesday, so it was nice to just go home and relax a bit instead.

My hearing in the left ear is getting a bit better, finally. But it still feels pretty stuffed up. I'm definitely ready for the medicine to do its' magic and to feel normal again!

On a different note, this next week will be busy-busy, starting with the weekend -- I go into full-out preparation mode for my friend A's bridal shower I'm throwing next Saturday...and I've got a ton of stuff to get done for it! Upload songs and make a shower playlist for my I.pod, make sure I have enough silverware for the # of guests (or figure out an alternative), find a red,creme, or black tablecloth to use for the event, finish hemming the new sheers to put in the front bay window, and sew up the side curtains for it, too. Look back over the food items I'd promised to make for it, and see what I can start to prepare earlier in the week.

For our anniversary last month, my gift from DH was to remove the wallpaper in our kitchen and re-paint everything, including the living room it flows into.

I'll give you three guesses on what stage of the project we're still in... And yes, it is FAR from being finished!

Guess I won't count on that being done prior to the shower... (sigh) Oh well. The guests will just have to overlook that.

And paint colors -- man, that is hard for me. I am no good at that sort of thing. We'd been thinking of doing yellow (i know, pretty predictable, but still - it'd be nice!). But last nightas we were walking the pups around the neighborhood, DH asked what color I wanted to paint the cabinets.

Now, here's the deal with the cabinets: they are as old as the house (1970 built), all white, but they show their age. They have scratches, nicks, indentions, etc., all over. To my mind, they could use a good sand-down prior to repainting... and with yellow walls, I'd be fine keeping them white.

But for some reason, DH is totally against this -- both sanding the cabinets, and keeping them white.

To me, this is mind-boggling... due in part to my lack of interior design skills (another color I have to pick out--nooooo!), and due to the fact that it seems so strange to be against sanding down cabinet doors that CLEARLY need it.

I think he's thinking that if we painted the cabinets some other color than white, then we wouldn't need to sand them... but the nicks, scratches, and indentions would still show up -- they wouldn't just 'disappear' or fade into the wood-work magically...

...I have no idea how to handle this one ladies...

And what other colors would look good on cabinets next to pale yellow walls? Any ideas out there, from those with more design skills than I?

Feeling Like a Kid Again

2010-10-11T10:58:00.002-04:00

Unfortunately, not for any of the right reasons.

I mean, really, who in the world--except for maybe little kids in grade school--gets an ear infection? --Or, in my case, a double ear infection??

But -- let me back up a sec.

Last week, DH and I were in DC with my family, enjoying our lovely mini-break away from work, touring around all the monuments and endless museuems, soaking up the delightful fall weather -- and trying desparately to keep up with my sister's 3 crazy older kids (13, 10 and 7).

Other than the constant game of "have you seen ____?" / "Is _____ with you guys?" that her kids put us through ('specially the 7 year old -- thanks Cam!), it was great.

The past week or two, I've been sneezing and sniffling a bit in the morning --- not uncommon for me at this time of the year, during the transition between seasons, and when things like goldenrod and other allergens are in full bloom. So the fact that I was still doing so in DC didn't cause me any concern.

Until Tuesday evening, when I started sneezing my head off.

And Wednesday, when I woke up with a sore throat and a left ear that seemed a little...off.

We flew home Wednesday mid-morning, and I was fine on the ascent, and fine during the flight. I was NOT fine, however, during the descent.

Let me tell you, I've NEVER been that physically uncomfortable in a plane before. I felt like someone was blowing up a balloon inside my ears (both, by this point), and somehow managing to stick my inner ears with sharp needles, all at once.

By the time we landed, the pain had thankfully dissipated somewhat, but both ears were completely stuffed up, and my hearing was strangely muffled -- everything sounded very distant. It was weird, ya'll.

I'd hoped that the problem would clear up by Thursday morning, in time to go to work, but it had not -- so I headed to the dr that afternoon, only to be told that I had a cold and double-ear infection.

They gave me drugs (clar.itin-D and amox.icillin) and told me it would be better by today. And while yes, I do feel better and my cold is much improved -- my left ear is decidedly NOT better. Still ringing and completely stuffed up.

My real concern -- and the reason why my post may come across as one long whine (another child-like symptom, I guess!) --- is because I leave on Wednesday morning for a work conference in Orlando... which means I'll be flying again. And I'm fearful of repeating the flight experience from last week...I'd rather not go through that again.

Any ideas or home-remedy's that ya'll know of for how to alleviate ear-aches, or clear up a stopped-up ear??

Four More Weeks to Wait

2010-09-30T14:07:00.002-04:00

Sadly, no u/s at my OB appointment on Tuesday, so it will be the end of October before we know what we're having... (sigh)

It seems like such a long way off, but I'm thinking it will be here before I know it!

October is going to be B.U.S.Y. -- between this trip to DC (thru the 6th), my friend Laura visiting us from San Fran (9th-13th), a work trip (13th-15th), and then planning/prepping for my friend A's bridal shower that I'm co-hosting (the 23rd), I will be QUITE distracted for the next several weeks...and then, lo and behold, the end of October will be here already.

Which is good. But every time I think about the fact that November will probably be here in a blink, I start getting a little nervous... In my world, it means two things: 1) my 2nd job as THE Christmas Present Buyer will re-commence--which means I have to figure out what to get for everyone on both sides of my family; and 2) the busy season at work will be upon me...

And kids, we're talking BUSY. Working for a non-profit means that everyone's looking to make their 'gifts' prior to 12/31, so they can get in that final tax deduction for the year... which basically translates to mean that work life can be hell 'til January 1st. Over 60% of our entire year's activity will occur in the final 3 weeks of the year. In my world, that means crazy, crazy stress, 12-16 hr work days, everyone running around like chickens with our heads cut off... pausing briefly for a quiet, calm, Christmas Day, to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. :-) --Then it's madness 'til midnight on New Year's Eve!

Which brings me to share with you my big dilemma: do I 'retire' in March, or do I come back to work?

My DH doesn't want me to come back full-time, and in my current position, I don't think there's any way to make it work as a part-time gig --- nor would I desire to be a part of the stress/workload during the holidays---when people should be allowed/available to spend time with their family and friends.

Would I be happy staying home full-time? I don't really know. Part of me wonders if I would need some sort of professional outlet -- and the other part of me wants to 'redeem' the time it took us to get to this place, and spend every possible moment with our little one as I can.

I just don't know. And I hate that I can't give my work a better estimate of my thoughts, so they could plan ahead properly (it would take a long training period to deal with my department - we special in 'complex' issues, and trust me - the name fits!), but I just can't say one way or the other.

My prayer for these next 24 weeks are that God would work on my heart & mind so much that by the time I have to make the decision, it will be an easy one for me... a no-brainer. And that, whichever way I decide to go, that He goes before me to prepare a way...

15 Weeks

2010-09-27T15:45:00.004-04:00

I give myself one to two more weeks of a very few number of non-maternity clothing, and that's it... I'm seriously about to pop out of most of my pants/skirts/shorts these days. And not only does it not sound pretty, it doesn't look or feel pretty, either.

Another week has flown by me, and here we are at week 15 -- on the cusp of another few firsts: feeling baby J kick or move, and (hopefully) finding out the gender at our next dr. visit.

I'm anxious to start feeling the baby move... it will be a welcome and (I'm assuming?) reassuring sign to me that all is going well in there... I've said before that this pregnancy feels surreal, and despite my burgeoning belly, it still feels that way, most days... so a nice constant stream of movements and flutters wouldn't be a bad thing!

I'm also getting more and more excited to learn what we're having, so we can start getting more serious about our thoughts & ideas regarding the baby's room. Either way, I'd like to keep it somewhat gender-neutral in paint/furniture/crib bedding and such -- and then add gender-specific details in with the add-on decorations, curtains, etc. At least that's my idea in theory! That could all go out the window as soon as we know, or whenever I see something super-cute in a store.

Tomorrow morning is my next OB appointment. As far as I know, there's no u/s scheduled -- but that could change if the Dr has a repeat performance of a hard-to-find heartbeat for Baby J, like she did last time. If that's the case, then we have a shot of getting the gender results tomorrow! If not, it'll be a long 4 weeks of waiting 'til our next appointment to find out.

I know some people have a gut instinct or feeling as to what they're having... I have none. And we really don't have a preference, either. Growing up, I always thought it would be nice to have an older brother, so while I wouldn't mind that for any future baby girl of mine, I wouldn't be disappointed, either way. We're just excited to be having a baby, no matter what we have!

This friday DH and I are heading to Washington, D.C., to spend 5 days with my entire family, see the sites, and walk ALL over the town. No doubt we'll get plenty of exercise, with our current list of things to do/see while there. Anyone have any good ideas for anything to do off the beaten path, or for good restaurants we should hit while there? We'll have 8 adults and 4 kids, so it's gotta be kid-friendly, whatever it is!

If I learn anything at tomorrow's appointment, I'll keep you all posted...

Wiped

2010-09-20T15:55:00.005-04:00

This weekend was fun--but good gracious, it was exhausting!

Friday we had a nice dinner with the in-laws, and had fun catching up with them. Despite the fact that my DH mis-informing his mom about my 'complete' maternity wardrobe (whaaat??? umm, NO), my MIL offered to take me shopping to get a few 'extra' things this week. I was quick to inform her that two pairs of maternity pants does NOT a complete wardrobe make--and she was actually excited to hear that. ...She's a shopper, like me. Woman after my own heart. :)

Later that evening, after we made it home from the in-law's, we were able to get in touch with our friend Taylor, who's currently living in Bolivia, teaching english at an international school in Santa Cruz. He's a friend from college, who actually lived with us one summer while between apartment leases, so we're quite close. He was the last close friend that did not yet know our news, so sharing that with him via Sky.pe was fun. Going to bed at midnight -- not so fun. But the conversation with our friend so far from home was well worth it.

Saturday morning had me rushing around, trying desperately to clean up our house before the girls from my book club arrived. We read a fantastic book, called A Shad.ow in the Wi.nd, set in Barcelona, Spain, back in the mid 1940's. It's part mystery, slight bit of romance, big part 'coming of age' book... and so, so good.

With the spanish-background to our book, we had decided to try our hand at a spanish-themed lunch (we typically meet over some sort of meal - brunch, lunch or dinner!). I tried my hand at paella AND got to use my dutch oven for the first time, and both met with resounding success, woohoo!

I'm not a huge seafood fan, so I stuck to one that included chicken, smoked sausage, and a good variety of vegetables -- it was wonderful. Definitely a keeper recipe -- good fine off of Tas.ty Kit.chen. Here's the link, if you're interested:

Hmm... not sure why this link isn't working for me. You can go to the site and look up "Paella Manantiales Calientes" though, if you'd like.

The only changes I made: used canned artichokes & tomatoes, traded in the lima beans (blech!) for frozen peas, and added in diced onion and bell pepper (would recommend yellow, orange or green, for the color). Two thumbs up to the chef-author!

After book club, a friend of mine stopped by the house to catch up for a bit --she's engaged, and I'm in her wedding on December 4th. She brought her dress over for me to see - soo soo pretty -- and tried on some jewelry I thought might work with it. Then we just talked -- her in-laws were in town all week long, so it was interesting hearing how that has been going for her. It's always an adjustment when you merge families and have to get used to the way other people live/do things... and having them around for a few days is easy-breezy compared to entertaining/hosting for over a week! Thankfully, she likes 'em.

Saturday night DH and I went downtown to see comedian Az.iz An.sari perform at the Tabernacle. It was a 10:30 pm show (I know -- what prego in her right mind would EVER sign up for a show starting at that hour??), so I wisely took a nap after dinner. ...Not that it helped much! I could have easily rolled back over and kept sleeping, but my hubby loves comedy, and considering it was my anniversary present to him--I sucked it up and made the effort to stay awake.

I must acknowledge a truth here: although I know 31 is not 'old,' per se, it is not entirely all that young anymore, either. And being up 'til 2 in the morning is just painful these days -- whether you're pregnant or not. We slept in Sunday morning, and it was still difficult to get out of bed at 10.

But get out of bed we did, so we could meet up with our small group and take a little field trip up to Ellijay, GA (the apple capital of GA), to pick apples, shot an 'apple cannon' (I'll give you 3 guesses who picked this activity!), and basically walk all over the orchard trying the various different apple varieties.

The only drawback to our lovely outing was the heat. It's still hot as blazes here in the south, with temps at least 10 degrees hotter than normal-- still in the 90's most days -- and it was definitely mid-90's on Sunday. So although we had a grand 'ole time sampling apples and walking all over creation, it was, to quote my husband "hot as balls"... which I'm sure justified the ridiculous consumption of cold apple cider, apple slushee, and shared apple fritter that was had afterwards...right?

Even though I'm not feeling so utterly tired and worn out these days, I'm not doing myself any favors by acting like I can hang w/ my husband and stay up as late as he does... I'm going to try to kick that bad habit this week, and hit the sack by 10 every night.

Oh, and our company just recently started a wellness walking challenge -- gave out pedometers to every employee and challenged them to walk as many steps as possible over the next teen weeks. First week: my average steps walked was close to 9,300, and my highest for the week was over 14,000. This week I'm going to try and raise my average to at least 10,000 --wish me luck!

Just Another "First"

2010-09-16T20:42:00.003-04:00

I'm still not pleased about yesterday's out-ing on FB by my sister, but I'm trying to just 'let it go' and forget about it... My sister's always been overly sensitive to any sort of criticism (which is how she would take it if I raised the issue), and seeing as how we're getting along better lately than we have in years -- I'd rather swallow my pride, suck it up, and keep the peace rather than make an issue out of it... wish me luck.

--Now on to my maternity-shopping experience over Labor Day weekend!

My parents had generously offered to buy some maternity clothes for me, which I was stoked about -- I think the last time they bought me clothes, I was still in college (close to a decade ago)... so not an offer I could refuse!

DH and I decided to drive in to Nashville for the weekend, so we could combine the shopping experience with actually getting to see all my family -- my baby nephew, and my newly married brother & his wife -- which was so nice. And being from Atlanta, where the variety of stores and options are endless, I had naively thought that Nashville would have a similar variety, even if on a smaller scale. --Nope!

My dad, a pediatrician in our area, had asked some of the nurses at his clinic what they'd done for maternity wear, or what stores to check out. I though that was pretty sweet of him -- 'til he told me their recommendations.

I don't know if he heard from a good majority or just an opinionated few, but he came away with two thoughts: a) maternity clothes are a total rip-off, and way over-priced, and b)I don't really need maternity clothes -- they recommended I just buy normal clothes one size up, and that should get me through 'til the last month or two.

...Ummm, no. Thanks, but no thanks.

I, of course, had been doing a little on-line research at Gap(dot)com on my own, and had found Gap Maternity prices to be pretty comparable to Gap itself... so I pooh-poohed the thought that maternity clothes would be super-expensive.

That is, until we arrived at the ONLY store in the Nashville area (outside of Ko.hl's and Tar.get) - a P__ in the Pod. There, I was shocked to find tops priced at $65 or above ($50 on sale, whoop-tee-do), pants for a cool hundred, sweaters for $80 or $90... yowzas! Definitely much worse than I expected.

The fact that the pricing was going to justify my dad's preconceived notions made me nervous. Actually, the entire outing made me nervous.

Taking into consideration the fact that there were many moons when I wondered if I would ever have the need for such a thing -- I will readily admit that even the idea of going maternity shopping freaked me out. Then tack on the fact that I was just a little clueless about it all... should the clothes fit you, like normal clothes do -- 'cause that's what I'm used to buying -- clothes that fit! Should they be a little big -- and if so, how big? What's the 'normal' here people??

Granted, while I was actually out with said sis (who really should be an expert on this by now, 4 kids in), my cutie little 4 mo. old nephew Liam, and my mom --- they were actually not much help. At all.

My mom, whom I've mentioned before had a stroke at 41 and now has bouts of narcolepsy, was pretty much snoozing through the whole experience. My sister, while very alert and present, didn't give much in terms of direction or feedback... everytime I would ask her how something looked, or whether it fit right --if it looked like it was supposed to look -- she'd just give me a big fat smile and nod... Almost as if she were too busy thinking "it's so cute that she's finally pregnant and trying on maternity clothes! I'm so excited!" instead of actually focusing on the words coming out of my mouth... Not much help there.

So I would try on things, find a few that I liked or thought looked right on me, and then freak out over how much it cost. I tried waking my mom from her coma-like state a few times, asking if it wouldn't be easier/cheaper for me to just order a few things online-- but she just said that we were already there, "your father's okay with whatever, go ahead and get stuff now"... so, we did.

And spent waaaaay too much on too few items.

So. Morals of my story:
Yes, maternity clothing CAN be super-expensive.
It's helpful to go with people who will actually give you REAL and useful feedback.
Shop sales online -- you'll get more bang for your buck.

Oh, and never turn down a parent-funded shopportunity!

Real quick...

2010-09-15T13:42:00.002-04:00

I have several posts floating around in my head that I need to just sit down and type out (if I can just force myself to do so after a long work day), but real quick, I just had to post this...

My sister just 'outed' me on FB... as in, posted "My sister is having her first baby in March! Yipeeee!"

Now, while I don't begrudge her the excitement of this land-mark occasion in my family -- she has, after all, been the only producer of grandbabies for my parents for a looong loong time... and they know we've struggled to get here.

However, I am a little peeved that she posted something like this before WE have even done so.

Am I completely off-base in being a little upset by that, or am I just being overly-sensitive about it all?

Anyways... it's out there now, not much I can do about it... (grrr)

Out

2010-09-10T10:32:00.004-04:00

It's now been a week since I finally told my boss our big news... and by now, practically the entire company knows about Baby J.

The telling:

So last Friday, the day kicked off with a 3 hour meeting regarding the PFH (Project From Hell), consisting of me, my boss, and two project workers... As the meeting ended, and my boss and I were making our way back down to our offices on the 5th floor, I was internally panicking... I knew he would once again be swallowed up by a steady stream of meetings for the remainder of the day, so I knew this was my only shot.

With that thought in mind, as we approached his office, I casually brought up the project timeline, asking if our Executive Leadership Team had made any decisions yet whether or not to continue the project through December, our busiest month of the year. My boss went immediately defensive, saying that no such decisions had yet been made, everything was still up in the air, blah blah blah, but that we would certainly be able to "pull together as a team and survive it" if it came to that... At which point I interjected and said "I really hope it doesn't come to that, 'cause I'm not sure I could handle the activity of December, the project, AND being 6 months pregnant all at the same time."

He froze, his eyes got real big, and after a few seconds of shock, finally got out an "are you kidding me?" When I told him I would be 12 weeks as of that Saturday, he just smiled real big, told me how happy he was for me, and kept congratulating me over and over.

Then of course, he asked when I was due. ...Now, ya'll remember when I mentioned that another co-worker of mine, in our tee-tiny department of 7 people, is pregnant with her second and due March 5th?? ...and how nervous I was to tell my boss that I was due a mere 14 days AFTER her?? Yep, and for good reason. When I told him I was due March 19th, you could see the number-crunching going on in his head...all he said was "And M is due when again? March...?" "5th," I said, "...exactly 14 days before me."

"OH, crap," he said, as the realization dawned on him that we would both be going on maternity leave within weeks of each other... for a full 3 months.

Thankfully, he didn't say too much more about it after that... maybe he was restraining himself, to not make me feel too bad about the timing. --As if I had planned that!

----------------

Wednesday of last week - September 1st - my mom starts text-stalking me, wondering if she can publicize the news yet... she was apparently just dying to tell her choir friends about it that night. I had to beg and plead with her to give me a few more days, just so I could ensure my boss wouldn't find out about our pregnancy via FB...how awful would that have been?

---------------

Fast-forward to this week: at our weekly department meeting on Tuesday, I shared the news with everyone, at my boss's request... and again, everyone was pretty happy about it -- 'til they realized how close my and M's due dates are. That received a collective gasp from the group, combined with a "Might as well close down the department!" from one of the guys. ---Sweet of them, but I still think they'll survive.

On Wednesday, we had an in-house training with some of our local affiliates out in the field, for which I had to give a presentation on my area of our department. The Relationship Manager who was facilitating the two-day training interrupts me at one point, saying "...You have a certain glow about you today... is there anything you'd like to share with the group??" -- outing me to the entire room!

So essentially, everyone at my office now knows... my mom has been officially 'unleashed' and is free to share, and it's only a matter of time 'til something crops up on FB.

I'm a little wary of it being on FB.... I just know how painful that was to read when we were deep into treatments, and I don't know if I want to be the cause of anyone else's pain by posting it.

My DH doesn't share my sentiments -- he thinks that we still need to post something, whether it be just pictures or whatever. ...I don't know yet. I'm still torn. Maybe the pain of IF just feels too fresh still to do something that feels almost like a betrayal to my own IF community, whether anonymous or known.

It never really goes away, does it?

Next to share: maternity shopping, ay yi yi!

'Til then -- have a lovely weekend ladies~

Love this quote...

2010-09-08T10:45:00.000-04:00

“Pain can either be the most useful or the most useless part of our lives. It all depends on how much we trust God in the pain.”

Rick Warren

More later!!

Still waiting for my opportunity

2010-09-02T14:52:00.003-04:00

I am bound and determined that I WILL tell my boss the news... hopefully today. Only have an hour before he leaves, and he's (again!) stuck in another meeting.

But -- nevermind me. I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes with you.

"Beware in your prayers, above everything else, of limiting God.
Not only in your unbelief, but by fancying that you know what He can do.
Expect unexpected things, above all that we ask or think.

Each time, before you intercede, be quiet first, and worship God in His glory.
Think of what He can do, and how He delights to hear the prayers of His redeemed people.
Think of your place and privilege in Christ, and expect great things."

Andrew Murray

Love this. ...Hope it brings a tiny ray of reassurance and hope to your day...

Drat! My Plans Are Foiled Again!

2010-09-01T14:49:00.002-04:00

You know that one-on-one meeting I had scheduled with my boss today? The one where I was going to tell him my big news, that DH and I are pregnant after 44 months of TTC?

Yeah, well... so much for all my big plans -- Bossman cancelled my meeting!

The nerve, I tell ya... giving me some lame-o excuse about being "swamped" with work... unbelievable.

............(sub-conscious clearing its' throat at my melodramatics)......

Okay,okay, FINE... so I felt sorry for him -- he did sound really stressed out, and had just come out of a 3.5 hr meeting this morning... poor guy.

But SHOOT, ya'll... it'd be another whole week 'til our next meeting. I'm not sure my belly can hide out that much longer.

Hmmm... guess I'll have to figure out Plan B.

Almost There....

2010-08-31T14:39:00.004-04:00

Saturday, I will have made it to a new milestone... 12 weeks.

I still have trouble believing we're here. That we're pregnant--that there is, in fact, a tiny little person growing and developing in me.

...Maybe by the time I give birth I'll believe it.

My waist has slowly been disappearing over the last week or two, and many of my go-to work pants are getting increasingly tighter around the waistline. I've been able to 'mask' my growing belly with loose-fitting or empire-waisted tops thus far, but I'm starting to realize that this tactic may not succeed much longer.

Today was my first OB visit, post RE-graduation. (again, crazy!)

My OB scanned my belly, trying for a few minutes to find the HB, and had no luck. --You'd think I would have been freaking out, but for some reason, I didn't. She said that depending on where the uterus was situated, the pelvic bone can sometimes prohibit them from finding the HB easily.

Lucky for us (as my DH was there with me), this bought us the opportunity for another u/s, which they hadn't initially planned to do. So we were able to get a few more pictures of Baby J today, and see how much bigger our jumping bean had grown since our last one a few weeks ago, which was nice. The arms and legs were so much more distinctive & developed this time, and we could even see the slight shadows of a tiny little nose and eye sockets on the screen.

That made our day, to know that things are still going well, and Baby J is continuing to grow and develop on track.

We're still thanking God every single night for this blessing, and the opportunity to grow our family...and I wake up each morning, just so thankful that I'm pregnant for another day, that we've made it this far.

Another 'first' for us this weekend: my parents, whom we'll be visiting, have offered to take me maternity-wear shopping.

...I think I was in college the last time they bought me clothes... so let's just say it's been about a decade since such an occurence has happened. --Not that I haven't tried, mind you... it's just that somehow, my wish-list for clothes at birthdays & Christmas somehow translated into Lo.wes or Ho.me De.pot gift cards. (thanks, padre)

So that's kinda exciting - new clothes, paid for by the padres!

Trouble is, I don't know much about maternity wear... what you need, or where to go, etc. Any suggestions on where to shop?

Hope everyone has fun plans for Labor Day. Hooray for 3-day weekends!

From IF to When

2010-08-30T17:20:00.003-04:00

Last week, at our monthly staff meeting, I was sitting beside one of my coworkers, D, with whom I have a pretty good relationship… she and I have worked closely together in the past, and at several periods over the past 4 years, have been running/walking partners after work. –Thus, ample time to share what is on our hearts, both work-related and personal. D is also 4 or 5 years older than me (35 or 36 I think?) and single…not happy about it, but pretty apathetic about it.

Needless to say, the great majority of our “personal” time has been sharing the vast, aching voids we’ve been dealing with in our respective lives – she with desiring to find Mr. Right and be married; me, with desiring a baby.

So we’re sitting there, getting ready for the staff meeting to start, when she leans in and says, “So! I hear that M. is pregnant again,” giving me this long, knowing look.

M. – the only other girl in my department “of child-bearing age.” I may have already mentioned to you that she’s currently expecting her 2nd baby…and she’s due exactly two weeks before my own due date in March.

I met D’s glance, reading the sympathy in her gaze, and said, “I know – can you believe it? There has been so many this past year!” …Literally, we’ve had seven women have babies in the past year… SEVEN. For a company with only 80 employees—all of which are NOT women---that’s a lot. Almost 20% of our entire female workforce here.

Then she said something that took me entirely by surprise.

“I cried when I found out.”

I was dumbfounded… completely flabbergasted by her confession… heartbroken for her pain, for the fact that she’d never voiced that desire to me before. Up ‘til that moment, I’d had no idea that my friend was harboring that longing or enduring that pain – and had been, most likely for every step of my own journey with IF.

It was all I could do to not throw my arms around her and cry with her, right there in the meeting.

- - - - - - - - -
Long after the meeting was adjourned and everyone had gone back to work, I thought about her confession. ...Even now, it still weighs on me.

I hurt for her…
Knowing that she’s been enduring this pain and longing so silently for all this time.
Knowing how she thinks, wondering if she’s been hiding it for so long because of some inane thought that her longing for a baby was less important or less reasonable, in her single state.
Knowing that as painful as it’s been for me to see all these women having babies around us, that it’s been just as painful for her...and wondering how much more pain she’s inflicted on herself in the hiding of it.

- - - - - - - - -
Fast-forward to last night. I was cuddling next to DH in bed, ready to go to sleep. I asked, “Can you believe we’re almost 12 weeks pregnant??” (I am still pinching myself every day, asking if it’s real)

He just looked at me and said yes, he could… and that he’d never doubted whether we’d get pregnant or not. That it was only a matter of when, not if.

I know there were days/weeks/months of my IF journey when I could not FORCE myself to have hope. When the sheer thought of us one day getting pregnant/having a baby seemed like some sort of cosmic joke by God, laughing in the face of our repeated failures. When all I wanted to do was stay in my bed, curl up under the covers, and shut out life.

But even through the worst of days, some deep part of me could not let go of it. Of faith, of hope… of believing that this would all somehow work out, and we’d one day be a family.

Shortly into our TTC journey, I came across a magnet in some arts-and-crafts store that I immediately bought and put on our fridge at home, as a daily reminder… Believe.

Sometimes you just have to believe that things will get better. That one day, your world will not be consumed by this trial… that good things will come your way, despite the current outlook. That in the end, you will actually be alright…and possibly even stronger/better than you were.

For me, I also had to believe that God is, in fact, good… and not just when things are going my way. He is, in fact, good, even when my life seems crappy and I’m not getting straight answers to my prayers/pleadings.

God is also sovereign – He’s in complete control of what is going on in my life, even when it seems like He’s not, or when I can’t understand why things are going the way they are.

God is God, after all– not man – and therefore, I can’t expect to understand His ways… so to try and analyze why I’ve been subjected to this or what He’s doing, etc., is utterly futile… until I stand before Him in heaven, it will remain a mystery to me.

For me, I found solace, hope, and renewed faith in these scripture. Even on the worst of days, when doubt and hopelessness prevailed in my spirit, the truth of these scripture must have sunk deeply into the recesses of my subconcious, because they kept coming back to me, comforting me when I most needed it.

“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 9:10

“He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together.” Colossian 1:17

“God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change His mind. Does He speak, and then not act? Does He promise, and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:22

“…Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23b

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

“Be strong and take heart, all you who trust in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24

“But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear (worship) Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.” Psalm 33:18

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.” Psalm 62:5

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those whose hope is in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31

“Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” Lamentations 3:21-26

For D, I truly wish I could impart to her how much hope I have for her situation…how strongly I believe that it will not always be as it is now.

How I hope she can stop focusing on the if of her situation, and start believing more in the when.

The Shadow of IF

2010-08-23T14:44:00.004-04:00

This weekend was a fun one... although busy. Friday night we survived the downpour that was our lawn-seat experience at the Jack Johnson concert, complete with a few extra sound and light effects provided by Mother Nature (LOTS of thunder and lightning)... it was truly one of the wettest nights of my life... Wet, but memorable.

And most likely our last experience with lawnseats... enough with the middle-schoolers and people stepping all over your stuff, already!

Got home late from that, only to get up early the next morning for a quick breakfast with my younger SIL and MIL, and then it was off to the middle-of-nowheresville, to visit with my friend, M, from college. Her parents literally live in a town off the last exit in GA, practically on the state line of GA/SC.... and completely in the boonies. But! They live on the lake, their house is amazing (entirely renovated, and beautiful) and they LOVE their life...so who can find fault with that?

M actually had a baby shower that afternoon, while in town -- my first baby shower since I'd found out I was pregnant. Buying her gift was weird... just walking into Bab.ies.r.us, knowing I was carrying our own little one, was beyond strange to me. I couldn't even let myself near the clothes--I knew I'd probably end up either a) crying over some precious little onesie or b) snatching up every cute thing I saw, that I never thought I'd get to buy for a baby of our own... so I restrained myself and kept to the product-focused areas.

The shower, too, was a weird experience. My first that I didn't entirely dread, or suffer through. It was sweet - M's mom truly had gone all-out for her, and the place was decked out in all blues & browns, with a ton of yummy finger foods spread out in between diaper cakes and diaper wreaths, all throughout their den & kitchen. They played a game (the High-low game, where you guess if the item's price should be higher or lower than what was listed), and then M and her husband opened up all their presents, assisted by their adorable 3 1/2 year old daughter.

Two months ago, just the thought of enduring a sight like that would have laid me low for weeks, wondering if I would ever get a chance to have a family like that, or experience a shower thrown for me... have a little one helping me open up my presents for their baby sister/brother.

I would be lying if I said it didn't make my heart hurt a little, even in spite of my current state.

The fact of the matter is that nothing is guaranteed in this world. Nothing. And there's no guarantee that we won't have to go through the prolonged suffering that goes hand-in-hand with fertility treatments at some point again in the future. There's no guarantee that Baby J will make it. There's no guarantee that our totcicles or our frozen eggs will survive, or that we'll have another shot at being parents.

I desperately HOPE none of this comes to pass -- but have no guarantees that it won't.

The real low moment of the day for me came when M and I were downstairs on our own, catching up before all the family arrived for the shower. She was talking about how disappointing her husband's reaction to their pregnancy had been.... This is their 2nd --both of which were unplanned--and they're struggling a bit financially. For him, she explained, he doesn't enjoy feeling so out-of-control. ...he told her that he just wanted them to be able to decide first that they were ready for another child, and then get pregnant...

As if it's ever that easy.

Hearing her voice their regret at not being able to 'plan' the births of their children was difficult... so many of us dealing with IF would give their right arms to 'just' get pregnant, to have an 'oops' baby, to never worry about whether you'll ever ovulate again.

My heart aches when I think of that.

And for my friend-- for her disappointment that her husband wasn't immediately thrilled at the knews. For her husband -- for taking for granted the incredible blessing that pregnancy is --even if it was unexpected. For his sheer arrogance at thinking he's really in control of ANYTHING in his life.

For all of us IF'ers out there... for the families that we hope and pray for each and every day.

Saturday's visit was just another reminder that IF will never leave me... It clings to me like my own shadow -- always there, even if you can't see it.

Dress Size (Gasp!) and the Weekend

2010-08-20T10:53:00.005-04:00

Soooo... let's just say that the dress shop wasn't as prepared for the 'knocked-up bridesmaid' scenario as I was hoping...

No belly prosthetic or pillows on hand to use as potential estimators of belly growth.

They just measured me as I was, and recommended I order a dress two sizes up from that, since I'll be greater than 5 months at that point.

My normal dress size: 8

My current waist size: 10

My current chest size: 12

So they had me order a dress two sizes greater than my largest measurement.... which means, you guessed it: a 16. DOUBLE my normal size.

Yowzas!

And to top it all off -- I had to ask them if there was anything that could be done about increasing the dress length, given a big poochy belly would raise the front of my dress significantly, leaving me showing a lot more leg than I'd like -- or worse. So they ordered an addition 4 inches of length to the dress.

....made me glad I asked!

But at least it's ordered, and now I don't have to really worry about it 'til mid-October, when it arrives.

I'm really hoping and praying that I will be swimming in it... just for my poor pride's sake. :)

On a happier note --- it's Friday! Woohoo! Headed out early this afternoon to see Jack Johnson in concert (love him!), and then get to visit with one of my good friends from college... one of those friends that I'm thankful to say you just grow closer to and love more and more each year, in spite of geographical distance (she's in CO, I'm here in GA).

Hope you all have some fun plans for your weekend, too. Enjoy it, ladies!

Big Bellies & Bridesmaids Dresses

2010-08-19T10:29:00.003-04:00

Tonight I'm headed into town to get fitted and place my order for the bridesmaids dress I'll be wearing in December, for the wedding of my college best friend.

While I'm very excited for the upcoming nuptials of my friend, I am less than excited about the process (or let's just say guessing-game, or random shot in the dark) that will go down tonight.

How in the world do you estimate what your size will be in four months, at six mos. pregnant?

I know there are women out there who barely even show at that point (which is crazy, and let me go ahead and say now that I know I won't be one of 'em). Then there are the ones that definitely look six mos preggo---or even those who get teased for looking like they're full-term already.

Which will I be, I wonder? ---of the last two, that is.

Do dress shops have any means of helping expectant moms plan for this sort of thing? ...I briefly considered calling one of the Motherhood Maternity stores nearby and asking if they'd let me borrow their 6-mo. fake belly to take with me to the store tonight... but I figure that would be an odd request to make, so... I'm just going to risk it, and hope that these ladies have seen and dealt with far more difficult planning issues than this.

I finally got to share my news with the bride-to-be yesterday, thank goodness. She is the absolute WORST in communicating... If I hear from her more than twice a year, it's a shockingly good year. If she returns a call or emails within 2-4 months of my last stalking campaign (this girl requires comm-stalking by all available modes of communication: email, FB, text, and phone calls), then I practically fall out of my chair in surprise.

Needless to say, I was relieved to hear from her. It wasn't something I'd wanted to share via email...nor did I want to just show up with a big preggo belly at her wedding in December. So I felt much better after we'd had a chance to talk, and she'd reassured me that she still wanted me in her b-maid line up, even if my belly knocks over the girls next to me.

Wish me luck for tonight, ladies! Anyone want to place bets for how many dress sizes up they make me order? 1? 3? 5? ....this could be scary...!

The Telling, Picture Update, and Graduation

2010-08-16T21:09:00.007-04:00

SO. Back from vacation (boo!), which was wonderful(sigh)... spent the week sleeping in (recovering from both nightly pee breaks and incessant wakings by our overly-excited puppies), reading books (makes me sooo happy!), swimming and skiing out on the lake, and just general lazing about... it was pretty darn nice. The only things missing were the a) margaritas (next year!), and b) sand/the ocean. Still really really miss the beach. A lake is nice, but not exactly a perfect substitute.

But it was FREE -- and we'll take that any day of the week!

On to The Telling.

We got to the lakehouse about 7:30 on Friday night, at which point we'd be joining all the family present (DH's parents, older sister & fam, and two 2nd cousins from L.A. with us for the week) for dinner. The plan was to tell them at dinner, when we had a captive audience. ---At least, that's what we'd discussed for the whole 1.5 hour drive up to the lakehouse.

However, it didn't exactly go as planned... dinner was passing us rapidly by, throughout which I kept stealing furtive glances at DH, awaiting some sign from him that he was about to make our big announcement.

No response from the DH.

In fact, I believe there may have been several non-verbal shushing made in my direction.

So dinnertime passed with no big announcement... not even an attempt at one. People started getting up, leaving the room to go get things, cleaning-up of cookware and plates began, and basically everyone was quickly scattering with the wind as I was frantically elbowing the hubs, wondering why the heck he was letting such a perfect opportunity pass us by.

He then disappeared for a moment, leaving me entirely baffled... only to reappear minutes later with a bottle of bubbly in one hand, and sparkling wine in another.

At this point, he just walked back in the kitchen, and over the din of chatting and pots clattering (it was mass chaos, I tell you), he just started yelling out "Hey everyone, we wanted to share our good news with you that (Musewander)'s pregnant! We hope you'll share a glass with us to celebrate the occasion."

By the end of his schpiel, everyone had stopped talking... and after a 5-second delay to register exactly what he'd said, the celebration broke out... then it was hugs and congratulations all around, and we all toasted our (anxiety-ridden) happiness over the occasion.

All in all, it was a good moment -- and of course, had transpired as only such tellings in my husband's family could transpire...

Fast-forward to yesterday's final visit with our RE.

We'd known that we only had 1 or 2 visits with our RE left, and that our 'graduation' from the fertility specialist back to our regular ob/gyn would be coming sooner or later... but somehow, I was still really surprised when our RE told us that he was officially graduating us yesterday...

It's like having to give up your security blanket as a kid... you know you're probably going to have to give it up soon, but when the moment comes to pack it away, somehow you thought you'd have longer with it. Somehow you still feel caught off-guard when the day arrives that you must give it up for good. That was me yesterday.

So we had one last ultrasound with them, and got to see our little Bean jumping all over the place, waving his/her little arms and legs for us. Our little one looks more like a baby and less like a tadpole now, with distinct head, spine, arms and legs... We got to hear the heartbeat pounding away again, very strong and regular. And everything is measuring right on track for where it should be. So all in all, we got a great report on Baby J, and our RE decided that from here on out, our regular ob/gyn would be taking over.

A big day for an infertile.

Other than being there, watching our ultrasound, this is still so entirely surreal to me... and moving on to our regular ob/gyn---no longer having to see our RE, to NEED a fertility specialist-- is surreal. I mean, my life has essentially revolved around them for the past 2+ years. To quit cold-turkey just seems like crazy-talk.

I guess I'll eventually get used to it, right?

One GREAT thing that came from 'graduating' the RE -- no more intra-muscular Progesterone injections! When the RE told me I could stop taking them, it was as if both sides of my hips sung out a hallelujah chorus in harmony... Thank you, Lord!

Here is the latest ultrasound pick from this morning's appointment -- our little jumping bean. I think this pic is slightly blurrier than our first, but the head is on the right, and the tiny arms are sticking up and down from Baby J's middle... unfortunately the u/s tech couldn't get a good shot that would include the legs, due to Baby J's constant jumping... an active little one! I like to think he/she was having his/her own little dance party in there. DH and I got such a kick out of watching all the movements, and how tiny the arms & legs are at this point.

So crazy... but so FUN. Every time I look at this cute little picture, my heart flutters... please God, let the next 31 weeks go smoothly for us, and let Baby J be healthy.

Vacation Here I Come!

2010-08-06T15:36:00.003-04:00

Five pm cannot get here soon enough.... and if I'm really lucky, my boss will take pity on me and give me leave to hit the road sooner than that... please God.

I'm so excited to be at the lakehouse already! DH and I will be making our big announcement to the family -- though exactly how we'll be breaking it to them, I have not yet figured out.

While I'd like to do it in some cute, creative way (like having them open up a "Grandparent's Gift" or some other baby-related item to let them know more are on the way), DH has no real interest in that -- he'd just rather flat-out tell 'em. ...But he won't even compromise on how or when we'd even do that. I envision the news being shared over a big family dinner. --My fear is that it will be haphazardly told 5 minutes after we walk in the door, to whoever may be around.

DH is really no good with secrets... a guy friend of his asked him several weeks ago how things were going with us -- he'd known that we were doing IVF --- and DH told him that "things looked positive."

Even though technically, we'd agreed we weren't "telling" anyone for several weeks yet.

Fast forward to last weekend -- we had dinner with the same guy and another couple friend of ours (of whom one reads this blog, so she was well aware of the sitch), and they all started congratulating us about our pregnancy when we arrived....which was SO wonderful! It felt so nice to celebrate it and talk about it! But on the car ride home, DH acted surprised that his buddy had known. ...All I could muster back was, honey, you TOLD him when you said "things look positive."

I think he thought he was being all vague and covert --- but positive is a positive here... and we are talking about pregnancy after all. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out!

In related news, my parents went to an extended family reunion last weekend, and my mom kept telling me that she was going to absolutely fail at keeping this a secret... claiming, as her lame excuse, that her "honest face" would surely give it all away.

I had to remind her that she still had/has the ability to choose what she shares when she SPEAKS -- and that people can't necessarily tell that her youngest daughter is pregnant just from her smile...

Thankfully, my dad was around to patrole her and keep an eye on the situation. HE is as good as Fort Knox with a secret. Which definitely comes in handy sometimes.

So anyways...

Come one, five o'clock! (please God, make time stop draaaaggging)

I may not have very good access to the internet at the lake, but I'll try to keep up with everyone's blogs and email... Hope you ladies have a great weekend, and everybody gets to do something fun!

Picture Page

2010-08-04T21:45:00.003-04:00

...If I don't post it now, it'll never get done..!

Here's the picture from last Friday's ultrasound, at 6w6d:

...Everytime I look at it, I'm just so overwhelmed and amazed... by everything about it all. How God works, and how He knits these cells together so intricately into our baby...

I know Baby J resembles more of a tadpole at this point than of a human form, but according to the books, Baby J should look more like an actual BABY by the next ultrasound on the 16th, when I'm 9w2d.

I can't wait to see how our little one has changed and grown!

Okay---no more tonight. Am half asleep in my chair here -- gotta hit the sack.

Heat Wave

2010-08-02T15:52:00.003-04:00

Blast... forgot to scan and upload the ultrasound pic!! Oh well -- I'll try to remember to do that tonight.

The weekend FLEW by... both DH and I had separate plans on Friday night - me w/ a girlfriend of mine, and him to out on the boat w/ some guy friends --- so we didn't meet up again to relive the excitement of the morning 'til our "shot-date" time at 9 pm, when he gives me my nightly progesterone shot. Which the RE told me I could decrease to only a 1/2 ml now... thank goodness.

Saturday, the DH roped me in to some work outdoors... used his best sweet talkin' to convince me to help him re-stain the deck. "I swear, only 30-45 minutes," he said.

...Two and a half hours later, it was done. But good gracious, it was a boiler outside-- 98 degrees and humid as can be!

Even though he did trick me into helping him longer than the initially-requested time, and even though he preyed upon my compassion and generosity ("You wouldn't want me to do this all by myself, would you? Without your help, this would take me forever!"), I did feel a bit sorry for him... he'd been working on the deck for 5 or 6 weeks now, replacing rotten boards, or sanding down rough patches -- and he'd only made a small dent in the whole job. ...So despite my reluctance at pitching in, I was glad to see that we were able to finish it, once and for all.

Now the deal is that we need to move out of this house before the deck needs refinishing in the future!

Saturday night was a lot of fun -- had dinner with a few couple friends of ours, both of whom were privy to our news. So we had a little mini-celebration, which was nice...we hadn't really even talked about it that much ourselves yet! I think DH had been nervous to talk about it, for fear of jinxing the pregnancy somehow. Saturday night he was forced to face reality though, thanks to our friends! And oh, the yummy home-cooked Thai food...de-lish! All in all, a real treat to rejoice with close friends and spend an evening together.

While I'd been dreaming of a slow and lazy Sunday, my husband had other ideas... so of course, mine didn't come true. Instead of napping away my afternoon on the couch, DH loaded the pups and I into the car and took us on a 2-3 hour tour of about 4 different boat slips & parks in the (relatively) nearby area... all for the sake of "research" for a boat day he wants our sunday school class to have at the end of the month. He was bound and determined to find the 'perfect' locale for the event -- easy access to the water, picnic area with grills, enough green space for kids to play, but a shady area to seek retreat from the sun when needed. Thankfully, the third park was the perfect match to all our criteria.

Then it was on to the dog park to let the girls run off some steam.

By the time we made it home, I was beyond done -- tired from not sleeping great at night and being woken up by my loving-yet-demanding pups early each morning, hot from being sat on by a 35 lb dog that insists on a) having the windows down the whole time and b) sitting on mommy or daddy's laps the entire drive, and hotter still from sitting out in the sun and humidity at the dog park. It was enough to bring about my first episode of nausea! Thankfully, it didn't last long, and wasn't anything that a good 30-45 minute nap couldn't handle.

Only 4 more days to go, and we'll be officially on vacation, and headed up to the family lakehouse with all my inlaws. I am SO beyond ready!!

Hope you all succeeded in keeping cool and enjoying yourselves over the weekend ladies~

First ultrasound

2010-07-30T11:09:00.004-04:00

Houston, we have a heartbeat...!!

And yes -- just ONE heartbeat. But we are overjoyed, and could not be happier or more thankful.

I think our nurse was in shock at how quiet we were during the whole ultrasound, but I think both DH and I were just too overwhelmed to say much... we just couldn't get over the fact that we are, indeed, pregant---and got to see the proof of it right there on the screen!

It was incredible... Baby J is measuring at about a quarter of an inch -- right on track, praise God.

And to see the little pulse of its' heart beating...it took my breath away. The nurse was even able to turn on the sound so that we could listen to the heartbeat...absolutely amazing.

I'll try to upload the pic later tonight -- but for now, I've gotta dive back into work...and at least attempt to focus for the remainder of the day. :)

Estimated Due Date: March 19, 2011.

Next u/s appointment: August 16th. I can't wait!

Just so you know...

2010-07-28T13:50:00.002-04:00

I hope my last post didn't come across as whine-y or complaining... that really wasn't my intention. I wanted merely to point out a few of the 'symptoms' of pregnancy that I've observed over the past few weeks.

And while some of them aren't always easy, NONE of it merits complaint. Truly, I am delighted to be experiencing any of them.

I wake up each morning, thankful and so very grateful for the days and weeks that have passed thus far, still in disbelief at the fact that I can claim that I am pregnant -- that life can grow within me -- that our hopes and dreams for a baby of our own may one day be realized after all.

At the same time, I know that these days have likely been both good and bad for those continuing through treatments, on a break from treatments, or considering alternatives... Just know that I'm still following along with you & your blogs and keeping you in my prayers.

If I've learned anything on this journey, it's that community and support can make a world of difference...and I certainly don't intend to withhold support and encouragement to others when I have been so deeply blessed by it myself.

Love to you all~

Observations thus far...

2010-07-27T09:18:00.002-04:00

So, here I am...supposedly six weeks, 3 days pregnant--according to whatever website I checked.

I'm still not sure this is real. Mentally, this is still too surreal for me to believe at this point.

Physically, my body is giving me plenty of signs that it is, which is reassuring...

Like this weekend, for example. It felt like some sort of switch was flipped.

Suddenly, smells are overpowering. We had italian on Friday night, which was fine -- but when my DH heated up his leftovers to eat on Saturday, it was as if the garlic was assaulting me from every direction. There was no place in the house that I could escape it. To him, it just smelled "a little garlicy, like normal."

We ventured out for some big city 'culture' on Saturday afternoon, and went to the Hi.gh Mu.seum of Art with some friends. They drove -- which ended up being torturous. Everytime I got into their car, I was overwhelmed by the stench of dog urine... knowing that it was their little male dog that had probably 'marked' his territory on the very seat on which we were sitting...lovely. Thankfully, I tolerated the ride without losing my lunch. (whew)

Sleep, too, has become more of a challenge. It's no longer just the multiple trips to the bathroom--of which I'm now averaging 2-3 per night. The bigger problem is that now when I get up to pee, my mind suddenly goes on overdrive and my thoughts start racing.... making it practically impossible to drift back to sleep immediately.

Dreams remain quite vivid, and very strange! Sunday night, after finally falling back to sleep from one of my 5 am bathroom breaks, I dreamt that I still was unable to sleep, got on the internet, read the most recent post from April on Co.al Creek Fa.rm, and decided it was a grand idea to call her and ask about a recipe that she'd referred to in her post. Craziest thing about the dream was that she answered --even though it was 5 am EST / 4 am CST, where she lived.... I was so shocked that she answered the phone that I could hardly speak.

...Still don't know what recipe it was that I was calling to ask about...!

I also realized over the weekend that whatever hormones are raging through my body right now are making me HUN.GRY...and IRR.IT.ABLE... Sunday morning we woke up late, and had 15 minutes to get ready before church. In lieu of a real breakfast, the DH made PB toast for both of us to scarf down in the car, on the drive there. ...Not really a big enough meal to satisfy me these days, let's just say... Throughout our sunday school class, my stomach was growling. Midway through the church service, I could barely stand the hunger. At one point, I made a comment to DH about how hungry I was, and his response? "Focus-- pay attention to the service, okay?"

Clearly, not the response I was looking for.

And THEN, when the service had finally finished, despite repeated comments from me about how seriously hungry I was, my husband engaged in his usual post-service chat-fest... He is a complete social butterfly, and pulling him away from chatting is like pulling eyeteeth... practically impossible!

On our way to lunch, he decides to turn the focus of chat on me, and starts asking me all these questions about typical pregnancy stuff - like when do you first start having morning sickness? When do ppl start showing? etc... All this stuff that I'd mentioned over the coarse of the past few days' dog-walking jaunts that I DON'T KNOW, seeing as how I've never been focused on pregnancy before now... So we ended up squabbling over the fact that a)I was snappy due to low blood sugar (of which he'd been given PLENTY of fair warning!) and b) I'd told him repeatedly that I knew diddly-squat about being pregnant, or what to expect when. He had a hard time believing that... I had to remind him that the previous FOUR YEARS had been spent reading everything about trying to GET pregnant, not about being pregnant. What was I, sadistic? Why would I have tortured myself like that???

So that was my Sunday. ...After that conversation, he wisely left me alone 'til after we'd had lunch... :)

In real world updates -- I go today for my annual exam, to a new dr recommended to me by a friend of mine (thanks friend!). I considered staying with my old ob/gyn, but I'd had such a bad experience with them when I first started down the road of IF that I knew I'd never feel truly comfortable with them. I don't want a dr that treats those who are IF as if they are social outcasts. And this new dr shares an office building with my RE, which I like. So I go today to check this new lady out. I'm hoping that I like her, and won't have to look any further.

Friday is the Big Day -- first ultrasound. First chance to make sure everything is normal, and developing on schedule. First chance to hear a heartbeat -- Lord, please let it be strong and healthy.

First chance to see just how many buns we've got in the oven...

We're praying for one healthy baby. If we have two, and we'll consider ourselves doubly blessed.

Three more days 'til we know for sure...!

Final Beta

2010-07-21T14:53:00.002-04:00

Earlier today, in a rather boring meeting that I was suffering through, I was trying to estimate what I thought my beta might be, if indeed it was doubling every other day, from last wednesday until today.

Last Wednesday's beta: 525.8

The number that I came up with was 8,000 -- a rough estimate, but still, something to have in mind when the nurse called to give me the update.

Today's beta: 8,095!

I'm so thankful -- thankful that we've gotten this far in the process, thankful that the number is (reassuringly) around what I'd thought it should be, and thankful at just the prospect of getting to carry a little one in my womb.

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted." Job 9:10

...Counting my blessings for even the hope of the miracle that He has made possible through this...

2010-07-20T20:47:00.005-04:00

It is too hot to be sitting at the computer (unfortunately just a desktop, and in one of the hottest rooms in the house), and it was too long a day at work to want to be on one long... so this may be short. But I felt bad that it had been so long since my last post--thus, my self-sacrifice of cool air downstairs & trash tv to bring you today's installment!

Last Thursday morning I woke up smiling. Not just because I'd had my second positive beta reading! --though that did play into it, I'm sure. The real reason I woke up smiling was because I had my first pregnancy dream.

This may seem so ridiculously trivial to you -- but to me, it was major.

For the past four years, I have been praying to get pregnant. And ya'll know that up 'til recently, I've had not the slightest bit of success. But during those years, I would always pray and ask God to give me just the tiniest sign that one day I'd be a mother---to give me a dream that I'm pregnant, just once. Sometimes that would be the last thought in my mind as I fell asleep at night.

Four years, and no dreams of pregnancy. Not a one.

But last Wednesday night, I had a dream. --and boy, was it strange! (guess I wasn't really specific about the particulars...)

I dreamt that I was in the North GA mountains at a company retreat, so there were lots of co-workers making cameos in my dream. I was in the dream -- not just watching myself like on tv--and I vividly remember the thrill I felt when I looked down and saw a round, pregnant belly--my own. So surreal.

Then the scene changed -- it was pouring down rain, the roads were flooding terribly, and I had to get in someone's truck to go to the hospital (not really sure why). The weird part was that the roads were so flooded, it was more like we were floating down the 'river' / street...and the truck kept spinning slowly around in the water. Craziness.

Then I was at the hospital, and for some reason, some guy in the waiting room grabbed hold of me and started twirling me around the floor, waltzing away.

And then I woke up. :)

Isn't that the craziest, weirdest dream? But it was so vivid. And I had a pregnant belly in it... so I woke up smiling, and thanking God for granting me one, and an entertaining one at that!

The weekend was good -- spent Friday night at home with DH, and then drove over to Birmingham to spend the rest of the weekend with one of my best girlfriends, and her two little girls. She's trying to abide by my "lets-not-get-too-excited-YET" mantra, but it's not coming easy for her.

As far as how I'm feeling -- other than tired, sore boobs, bloated tummy (either due to any lingering OHSS or from being a tad stopped up from the progesterone, I'm not sure), and the occasional mild headache, I feel fine.

I'm still wondering if this is real, or if I'm going to wake up tomorrow and find that it's all been another strange dream...

Tomorrow morning: 3rd and final beta test.

Guess we'll know more tomorrow night!

Sore Cheeks

2010-07-14T14:00:00.004-04:00

...and I'm not talking the ones you smile with!

Actually, to be quite specific, I'm talking about the upper, outer "quadrant" of both cheeks. :)

Thus far, I have had 17 intra-muscular (IM) injections of progesterone-in-oil (PIO).

The first two weeks of shots, I was thinking, man, this isn't so bad! What was all that talk about bruising, soreness, hitting nerves, etc? Those girls must have exaggerated---or maybe they're just more sensitive than me... This is a breeze!

Umm, yeah... all that changed on Monday.

All of a sudden, it seems like my body is realizing that these shots WILL take place nightly, and has finally decided to voice their objection to them in the form of pain. My right and left hip are so sore that pulling on and off clothes makes me wince, as does getting into and out of bed.

...So maybe those girls weren't full of malarky after all...

Oh, and before I forget -- today's Beta Update: 525.8.

Not quite "doubled" from Monday (315) -- should I be worried at all?

The nurse said the dr was satisfied with the number, and didn't have a problem with it. Still -- I don't know if I should be disappointed that it wasn't higher? --Or am I overthinking this?

They've scheduled my third and final Beta test for next Wednesday morning... praying the numbers continue to climb, and they're where they should be by then...

(p.s.... Just wanted to make sure you all knew I didn't think any of you were full of "malarky" ....isn't that a funny word though??)

Drumroll, please...

2010-07-12T15:54:00.002-04:00

About to run into yet another meeting... but JUST got the call.

And I couldn't help myself -- I had to answer.

My beta number: 315.8 (!!!!!!)

...I am in shock, and can hardly believe this is real...though I know I can't really count this as really real until we know for certain that my numbers double.

So back to the dr on Wednesday morning for beta #2.

Mentally am COMPLETELY freaking out...but am having to keep it together for the next hour and half.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow, for letting us get this far.

Amen.

The Call

2010-07-11T14:30:00.004-04:00

This has been the.longest.weekend.EVER.

Despite my best efforts to distract myself, I have been antsy for at least the past 24 hours... and keep thinking of how many hours left I have 'til The Call...when the RE office will give me the news on whether my beta test is positive or negative for pregnancy.

Geez, I start to freak out just reading those words!

And of course, as luck would have it, the "re-engagement" kick-off of the PFH (see post here) starts tomorrow. Kick-off starts at 1 pm, and there are back-to-back meetings 'til 5:30. The call? I'm guessing it will come in around 2-3:30, which is when they typically make the calls out to patients for dosage instructions, etc.

Which means it will most likely fall smack-dab in the middle of our meetings.

Which means I'll have to step out to take the news.

Which also means that I'll have to re-join the meeting afterwards... no matter what the outcome.

I'm a little worried about that part of it... if it's bad news, how in the world will I keep it together? How will I endure more hours of meetings?

On the flip side, if it's positive--how will I contain myself for that long? Or pay attention to absolutely anything that goes on?

I wish I could call in sick for the afternoon, but with my boss out on vacation this week, there's no one else that could sit in on the meetings to represent my department. Just me.

One day. One more day of this torture, and then we'll know, either way.

No matter what, I promise to post the result.

For those of you who actually know the woman behind the realm of Blog.ger, I would ask that you not share the news with anyone--mutual friends, etc... We plan on staying quiet about it, even if it's positive, for at least the first 8-10 weeks. As my DH says, we want to make sure things "stick." (very eloquent, isn't he?) But I'm in complete agreement with him.

Any idea what I can do to stay focused tomorrow? Outside of legal stimulants (coffee, oh how I miss you!) or prescription drugs (Add.er.all, I hear you work wonders)? ;-)

Monday evening, you can't get here fast enough!

Internal Debate

2010-07-08T21:25:00.003-04:00

Umm...does anyone know if you count the day of the transfer in your __dp5dt number? Or do you start with the day AFTER?

If the latter, that means I'm 8dp5dt (8 days past 5 day transfer). If the former, then I'm 7dp5dt.

Hmmmm. ...still 4 more days to go, either way you slice it.

Which brings me to my internal debate: to test, or not. POAS, or just wait for the definitive beta test.

I can't decide what to do--or not do, for that matter.

Pros: if I did POAS this weekend (most likely Saturday or Sunday), I would have some idea whether or not this round actually worked. I could potentially see the elusive "pregnant" or a double line in those darn HPT's.

Cons: if I did POAS, I could be facing some MAJOR news---good or reallyreally bad--all by myself. The DH is gone 'til Sunday. I don't know that I could handle that--and whatever the outcome turns out to be, I wouldn't want to share that by phone, after all we've been through. Also, it's not a conclusive test like the beta is -- so what if I get my hopes up OR dashed, and it turns out not to be right?

All I know is that I'm going to try my absolute best to distract myself this weekend...and with the hubby gone, I get to do everything MY way! Make the food I like (ooo, I can almost taste you, thai chicken curry!), window shop to my heart's content (bring it on, Anthro and Banana), and watch all the trash tv and chick flicks I can handle (Letters to Juliet, anyone??).

THAT part of the weekend might be pretty nice!

On other movie notes: amazingly, I've seen several new ones in theaters recently. Shocking, considering the hubs is usually against paying movie ticket prices. He much prefers the cost of our netflix! But I've seen Robin Hood (good--tho it coulda used a tad more heat b/n Cate Blanchett and whatshisface), Eclipse (good! even better than New Moon), and Knight and Day (very good "romantic action comedy," I think they're calling it. Very entertaining). Oh, and Hot Tub Time Machine on DVD... which, before you judge, is actually quite hilarious. Check out the rating it got on Rotten Tomatoes. Seriously. I know--I was completely shocked it was that good. But it is. I DARE you to not appreciate it, any child of the 80's out there.

So that's my quick movie review for you... If you can think of any good ones that I should rent this weekend, let me know. I'm open to suggestions!

Transfer

2010-07-01T20:50:00.012-04:00

Sheeew. It's over.

Round #2 is officially term.in.ad.o. Hallelujah!

The ET was yesterday morning, 9:30. First slight mishap was that I'd neglected to drink enough water... I couldn't remember how much (40 oz, yowzas!), and only drank like 20, so they had to make me chug a few more. Second thing was that my RE was MIA for the first 20 minutes or so. --Turns out he was still seeing a few patients a few floors down, and was running late. But, given the additional water I had to suck down, it all worked out okay.

The embryologist started with a picture of one embryo up on the screen, awaiting us when we got into the room. However, we ended up asking to transfer two embryos, instead of just the one. Our RE wasn't exactly 100% behind the decision, but he did say it was up to us, and he wouldn't object. (I believe his exact words were "don't come running to us at 3 am when the twins are crying or need diapers changed!")

It may not seem significant, but a second embryo increases our chance of pregnancy by about 10-15%. After 4 years of TTC, we're prepared to risk multiples in the hopes of having just ONE to take home... so to us, it was a no-brainer.

...Now, if we can all pray that we don't have any freak embryo-splitting situations here, that would be good... I don't know what I'd do if they both split and we ended up with quads.

Thankfully, that's pretty unlikely. (right God??)

Of all 11 embryos that fertilized, we had 5 very good-to-excellent ones (he didn't give me the grading info on them, and I forgot to ask). The other 6 were a little slower to develop, but they were going to keep them incubating for the next 5 days, and see if any more got to blastocyt levels. If so, they'll freeze them for future use.

The DH was with me the entire time.... other than having various people down in my ladyparts region, which was a tad uncomfortable for him, I think he thought it was all pretty cool. I was glad he got to be there for it...the culmination of all our efforts in this round.

Now, for the pictures!

This first pic is of Emby A -- the big one. This is the first one that they'd selected for us:

This second pic is what we actually transferred... Emby B is on the left, and Emby A is on the right:

Don't they look so cool?? ---Maybe I'm just biased... maybe every gal thinks her own embryos are the most beautiful things ever, I don't know... ;-)

Beta is set for Monday, July 12th, 7:30 am.

Now we wait.

--Oh yeah, before I forget...Funniest part of yesterday's ET experience: when DH referred to the other embies still 'cooking' in the "peachtree dish."

...He didn't even realize that he'd said "peachtree" instead of "petri"...!

Hilarious! Love that man.

T-Minus 20.5 hours and counting...

2010-06-30T12:56:00.003-04:00

Got the call this morning... ET is scheduled for 9:30 a.m.

Am running into another meeting -- today is a little crazy at work -- but wanted to let ya'll know the official time.

I am so grateful for your support -- your encouraging words and prayers mean the world to me!

More later~

Transfer Thursday

2010-06-29T11:05:00.002-04:00

Got the call this morning... the ET is set for Day 5, Thursday. No time set yet, but will hopefully know more tomorrow.

The nurse didn't have much info for me, other than the development of the embies "looks good" at this point. --I'm grateful to know that much, though I wish they'd expanded a little more...

I'm still in quite a bit of abdominal discomfort from the ER -- is that normal at this point? My poor belly is still so bloated, I feel like I look 3-4 mos. pregnant already. (NOT good when you're not though!) The Darv.ocet they gave me for pain didn't do a lick of good, so I switched over to extra strength ty.len.ol as of Sunday. It's at least helping.

And for those of you looking forward to your first IVF--- let me clarify: it's a discomfort, kinda like dull, achy cramps, with the additional feeling of enlarged ovaries. It's not out-and-out pain. It's not intolerable! Trust me--really really bad cramps are far worse than this.

Just wanted to make sure you all knew that. ...don't want to scare anyone away from future procedures here! :)

In other news, I was informed this morning that the PFH (see post here for explanation) is ramping back up as of July 6th. And if that's not bad enough -- they're wanting all team leads to sign on for "extended hours" during a 2-3 'workshop' phase they're planning for us... Extended hours that would commence a) an hour earlier than my current start time, and b) extend an hour longer than my current end time.

Now, ya'll know I'm not an early-bird. ...'specially sans caffeine, which is taboo right now. And I've emphasized my love for sleep, and lots of it, many times here.

To say that this is not ideal is an understatement.

I desperately, desperately want to back out of this project. I'm worried that the stress of it will have a significant and negative impact on me, and I don't want to risk anything like that during a potential 2ww or even (God willing) early pregnancy.

The question is, can I back out of it now, without risking my job?

I don't know.

And if not -- would I be willing to do so, even if it did?

...That may be my real question---without an answer, at this point...

Fert Report

2010-06-27T20:43:00.002-04:00

Okay - gotta make this quick--am about to go have my first IM progesterone injection... (yikes)

Today's fertilization report from the nurse:
- Of the 28 eggs retrieved, 27 were mature
- They froze 13 of the mature eggs
- The remaining 14 they fertilized
- Of those 14, 11 eggs actually fertilized... so we have 11 embryos!

I find out more tomorrow about the embryo quality, how they're developing, and whether or not we're shooting for a day 3 or a day 5 transfer.

So it's Tuesday or Thursday.

...Holding my breath 'til then...!

And the number is...

2010-06-26T17:17:00.002-04:00

(drum roll, please)

Twenty-eight!

(wheeeew)

Everything went well this morning... the procedure went well, the dr had no trouble retrieving the eggs from my follicles, and I got a nice drug-induced nap out of it, and don't remember a thing. Overall, I'm doing well... A little discomfort in the abdomen, of course, but nothing a little dar.vo.cet can't handle. :)

I am so so SO relieved that a) it's over, and b) we have eggs. I don't know what I would have to done if I had woken up to the same news as last time (see post here). Praise the Lord, this round has been different from the beginning.

Tomorrow I'll find out how fertilization went, and what the egg quality looks like. I know I can't expect all 28 to survive, or to all be Grade A (or however they grade them!), but I am praying for a third to make it, at the very least. ...If we had a good 8-12 solid embies, it would go a long way in reassuring me that not only do we have a shot at this coming ET, but at a few in the future, as well. And what a huge blessing that would be.

As to everyone else's journeys, and your own progress -- I'm lifting you up, as well. I know that faith (whatever yours may be) can be difficult during IF... Wrestling with all the unanswered questions we have for why we're having to go through this in the first place---and more. (I know the questions don't end with just that one.)

Know that even in times that you can't pray for yourself -- whether due to bouts of doubt or anger or bitterness or despair, whatever-- just know that there are others out there praying for you, even when you can't.

I pray for my God to be with each of you. To hear your cries. To see through to your heart, and know your innermost thoughts and desires. To meet you where you are, and bring you comfort and peace. To carry you through this.

I pray for you; I pray for us.

Ready... and nervous

2010-06-25T20:05:00.002-04:00

Well, there's nothing more I can do to get ready for this... I've taken the last of my shots, had my trigger shot last night, and I guess there's not much else to do now.

Except be nervous.

I mean, try NOT to be nervous.

Right?

The trigger shot last night went fine -- just a little awkward, breaking both hosts away from the party at 9 to do it. But we managed.

And, thanks to my wonderful RE, who knew that I would be nervous about my trigger shot this go-round, my Dr had me come in this morning for a "confirmation" that the HCG had, indeed, hit my system. ...Thank the good Lord, it had.

So now, I'm trying to relax--about to go see Knight and Day, and see if that succeeds in distracting me from my thoughts.

Have a good night everyone! Will let you know how it went tomorrow~

Triggering Tonight!

2010-06-24T16:01:00.002-04:00

It's official... The nurse called an hour ago to let me know that I have to take my trigger shot this evening, at 9 pm. ER is set for 9 am on Saturday the 26th, woohoo! I'm so excited to be done with Gon.al-F stim shots and Lu.pron shots for round #2...

Slept like crap again last night -- woke up once again around 3 in the morning... that seems to be the "witching hour" for me these days...! Was hot as blazes, too -- which is quite unlike me (am typically always cold). DH swears that it's the hormones... He's probably right.

Today's report: 34 measurable follies -- 22 on the left, 12 on the right. I think there were 22 mature? And my E2 level stayed below 5,000! (Thank you God) It was 4,521. Even the nurse (to whom I don't believe I've spoken with before) commented on how much better I'm doing this round... what a relief!

Now-- if I can just find some good excuse for pulling my DH away from the grad school graduation party we're hosting tonight for one of his co-workers, so he can administer the shot... (I know, another example of GREAT timing!) Any good ideas?

Acupuncture apptmt tomorrow after work, and then it's just take it easy and relax as much as I can before the retrieval early Saturday...

Thanks for all the sweet comments ladies...The encouragement and support means so much.

Dear Lord - please let me get through this party tonight without freaking out about things... please let us get through the trigger shot without any hiccups or disastrous mistakes or issues like last time... please let me get a full night's sleep tonight, so I won't be a zombie-witch tomorrow to my DH/friends/co-workers... am starting to see them back away slowly from me when I walk up, and it scares me that I'm scaring them away. And please Lord, let the retrieval go well Saturday. Let the dr's get some good eggs, let the fertilization process go well, and please let us have some good strong emby's for the ET next week!

Trusting You...

Coasting...

2010-06-23T17:07:00.003-04:00

Today's progress report from the RE: 31 measurable follies -- 20 on the left, and 11 on the right (what a slow poke!). Lab results: E2 level is now at 4,103.

When the nurse called to give me today's report, she said my dr is 99% sure they'll trigger me tomorrow night, for a Saturday morning ER. ...I sure hope so. I have a college friend that will be in town this weekend, and she's planning to spend the day with me on Sunday.

I know, I know---REALLY bad timing, right? Yep--couldn't agree with you more! I am fully aware that baby-making trumps time w/ friends --- I'll just be grateful to have the ER not fall on the same day of her visit. She's one of my best girlfriends, and lives in Raleigh, otherwise I'd have asked to re-schedule. Thankfully, she's fully aware of all my IF treatments, and is ready to spend a day just lounging around the house with me, laying low...which is what I'm expecting to do.

As for tonight's dose-- given that my E2 level is continuing to climb up there, my RE decided to have me coast tonight, in an attempt to avoid any further increase. I think they're hoping to keep me under the 5,000 mark this time. We'll see if that works! I sure hope so.

I'm definitely feeling the heaviness and pressure of 31 follies down there... there's some discomfort when sitting now, that wasn't there before. But it's not bad at all. Very manageable. --I still think that this round of IVF is a breeze compared to how whacked out I felt on clomid!

Last night's support group meeting was SO good. ...If you guys haven't been to one yet, I'd highly recommend it. I know it's intimidating and overwhelming and scary to go--'specially by yourself, without knowing anyone--but definitely well worth it, in the end. I met some amazing women last night. Hearing their stories was a privilege---anytime anyone shares their heart with me, I think it's a privilege. There were 8 of us there, and most of us had all had varying issues, experiences, successes. Some were on the treatment side, others had crossed over to Mommyhood already -- but all were bound by the common thread of IF.

We agreed at the beginning of the meeting to all share our stories, and to try and focus on the positives of IF. --We ALL know that there are days when IF will leave you crushed--mentally, physically, emotionally--but we wanted our time together, as our host so perfectly put it, to be life-giving... not life-sucking.

And so it was.

I was inspired by the courage, perseverance, and heart of the girls surrounding me. By what they have endured and overcome, or by what they are still facing. And I know that there's not much that I can do for them, except pray for them daily, and be there for them, whenever and if ever they need a friend.

Because, as Ecclesiastes so beautifully puts it, "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Eccl. 4:12b)

Together, we ARE stronger... we have the power to give one other strength and encouragement along this journey-- and those gifts can make all the difference in the world to someone going through a rough day.

...If I wasn't so blogger-challenged, and knew how to put music to a post, I'd have Joe Cocker's "A Little Help from My Friends" playing in the background for this one... ;-)

Onward and Upward

2010-06-22T16:52:00.005-04:00

I believe I have crossed some sort of invisible threshold... I don't know exactly when, but somewhere between stim-shot day 8 (13 mat. follies) and stim-shot day 9 (19 mat. follies), my lower abdomen has experienced a rude awakening. ---Or a rude over-crowding, as the case may be!

Today is stim-shot day 10, and I now have 24 mature follies -- 15 on the left, 9 on the right. ...Thus the overcrowdedness of my ovaries. But this is still drastically improved from the 45 mature follies that I had on this day, last IVF round... yikes!

And despite the fact that my RE dropped my Gon.al-F dose to 75 IU last night (down from 112.5), my E2 level rose again today--to 3,146.

Due to this, they're lowering my dosage once again... to the lowest dose you can take-- 37.5 IU. It's going to feel like nothin' when I take that shot!

I'm not sure if the E2 level or the more sensitive abdomen have anything to do with it, but I woke up at 3:33 last night (yep, the three 3's were glaring out from my alarm clock on the nightstand, plain as day), and could not for the life of me fall back to sleep. Then the mind started going---how many more days of shots will I have? When will they trigger me? Will something happen this time to screw this up? Who can I call that's a professional nurse or shot-administrator that can give me my trigger shot--so I don't have to blame myself, if something happens to it this time around??

It was as if I'd drank a whole pot of coffee, the rate my thoughts were going... I was wired. ..and at 3 o'clock in the friggin' mornin, people! Not cool. This girl loves her sleep, so I was NOT happy about the fact that I was missing out on mine... especially in light of the fact that I'm already not getting my full night's sleep due to early morning RE appointments.

Anxiety is something that I have to intentionally work to fight... and these days, I'm doing a much better job taking command of my thoughts and casting aside any shadows that try to darken my mood.. More on that tomorrow.

Ladies, I just got back from my first live-and-in-person support group meeting, and I just have to say, it's an honor and a privilege to walk beside you all (whether in person or via the internet) and hear your stories---to see your hearts laid bare, and have a window into your thoughts and feelings.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to carry this burden with you, and help encourage one another along this road.

Climbing

2010-06-21T14:41:00.003-04:00

Do you ever feel like IF is a steep journey uphill, complete with dodging fall rocks (bad news) and backsliding (failed treatments), making you think you'll never get anywhere? Like your sense of hope and optimism are intricately tied to your progress to the top?

Somedays, this is all I can see of my IF journey--the rock wall in front of my face, the steep vastness of the climb ahead of me, the pain of the rocks that cut me and make me stumble and slide, crushing the hope I'd built in the small bit of progress I'd felt I'd made.

Thank God, today is not one of those days.

Today I feel like I'm getting there, slowly but surely... like I'm actually making some decent progress in this long journey---like the summit is at least in sight, if not yet within reach.

Like hope is beginning to rise and climb with me.

Another thing that is climbing within me -- my E2. According to today's lab results, my E2 level is now at 2,071. Not a bad number, especially compared to my last IVF (round #1) in April.

On this day of my round in in April (stim shot day 9), I had 39 measurable follicles - 18 in the left, and 21 on the right--and an E2 level of over 6,000.

Today, in IVF round #2, stim shot day 9, my E2 is at an acceptable level, and I have 19 measurable follies-- 12 on the left, 7 on the right.

I cannot tell you how much better I feel at this point than I did last time. How much pain I was in last time, that I am not having to deal with (whew, thank you Jesus).

The nurse did express some concern that they were afraid my body was about to spike again--that I could still have some issues with overstimming. So they're lowering my dose of gon.al-F to 75 IU tonight, instead of the 112.5 I've been taking.

Nevertheless, I am one grateful girl... happy to be at this point, and looking forward to where the next few days will take us. God willing, we'll have a good ER and a good transfer, and within the span of a week, have completed our first full IVF round.

Welcome to all you ICLW viewers, by the way! I'm fairly new at this whole blogging thing, so bear with me. If you'd like to read a bit about my TTC journey thus far, read this. If you'd like to read my thoughts about IF's purpose in my life, then go here and here.

My heart goes out to all those who have dealt with or are actively dealing with infertility...truly, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So if you're on this journey with me, let me know---I'll do my best to keep up with your journey and support you through your ups and downs as well.

Now, to end on a humorous note--- let me share with ya'll a snippit from last night's convo with my DH...

--Background-- getting ready for bed, preparing for the week, giving the DH a run-down of all my upcoming RE appointments & such...

Me: I can definitely tell that my ladyparts are getting a little worn out from all this poking and prodding...

DH: Does it hurt?

Me: No, it (the vaginal ultrasound) doesn't hurt, per se.. but it definitely doesn't feel good!

DH: You mean there's no pleasure involved??

(long pause)

Me: Um.... are you serious?

(long pause)

DH: well, I didn't know if it would feel good or anything...

(long pause)

Me: ...honey, it's not like they've added a little vibration to it to make sure we 'enjoy' ourselves during the ultrasound!

DH: (turning bright red and bashful) well, I have no idea what they do or what it's like! I just thought that it might resemble... you know!

(End)

...Seriously ladies! My DH was comparing my vaginal u/s to a trip to see a professional vibrator!

I think I laughed 'til my cheeks hurt.

At least the land of IF isn't without its moments of humor...!

Lucky Number 13

2010-06-20T20:32:00.002-04:00

This will be a short-and-sweet one... about to take the pups for a walk around the neighborhood, and then it's to bed for me. I definitely could have used another nap today...!

Today's ultrasound & bloodwork report: 13 mature follies thus far--8 on the left, 5 on the right. 8-9 others close to mature, so we'll see what happens over the coming days. E2 level: 1371. SO much better than the 5000+ I had on this day last time, praise God!

It was great to get another good report, and to hear that my body was continuing to progress as it should. Now, if we can just continue like this for another 3-4 days, that would be fan-tastic.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend!

Isn't it nice to start the week on a positive note? May yours start off the same~

Sleepy Saturdays

2010-06-19T14:39:00.005-04:00

I feel a tad guilty about how much I'm enjoying my weekend thus far... All thanks to both the RE and the acupuncturist stressing how important it is that I take it easy.

It goes without saying that I've taken their advice to heart --- and thankfully, so has my DH!

It's pretty cute -- he's being super protective of me, and keeps encouraging me to take it easy, won't let me do any exercising beyond walking or yoga, and keeps asking if I'm feeling stressed at all--or what he can do to help me relax. Very sweet of the hubby!

And I'm definitely reaping the benefits of all his concern... Thus far, all this 'taking it easy' business has gotten me out of cleaning, yard work, and this weekend's stint of deck repair...

What I've actually done today: woken up at 7:30 am for my Lupron shot, gone to the RE for my u/s and bloodwork, and gone to the acupuncturist (...and napped through most of my session).

Next on the docket? A real nap--at least a short one -- and then on to a co-worker's house for an early-afternoon game date and cook-out. Then maybe to a movie with the hubs later.

Ahhh... I could get used to this!

My report from today's appointment with the RE was a good one: 4 mature follies on the left, 2 on the right. E2 was at 823---continuing to progress much slower than the last round. The u/s tech also mentioned that I had about 9 follies that were on the cusp of maturing, so she said this looked like it would be a good cycle for me.

Please God, let it be so.

I'll try to post another quick update tomorrow... we hope to trigger wednesday, for a friday ER. We'll see if anything changes with that timeline over the coming days.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Definitely praying for that this next week...

Slow and Steady...

2010-06-18T16:45:00.003-04:00

...Wins the race... right ya'll??

Let's hope so! 'Cause that seems to be exactly what my ovaries are doing this go-round... This is officially CD-9, and day 6 of stimming... As of today, I have 3 measurable follies on my left, and 1 on my right.

From my first IVF round back in April, on day 6 of stimms, I had 4 on the left, 3 on the right.

So I'm definitely starting off a bit slower. Which is good... I don't want my E2 to spike like it did last time. According to my RE, mine is right where is should be this round... I just want it to stay that way! (please,please!)

Nor do I want to experience the feeling of my ovaries housing 59 mature follies again. ....I'd like to aim for maybe half that amount this time...umm, God, are you listening? Think we can arrange that? (seeing as I have so much control over all this...)

In other news, I had my first acupuncture appointment on Wednesday. I called to set it up on Monday, and had thought we'd aim for Saturday for the initial consultation, but when they learned that I was already in the midst of an IVF round, they urged me to get in 'as soon as possible' to see them... so Wednesday was the first visit.

FYI--apparently, they prefer you start seeing them several months out from big treatments like IVF... ideally, they would have started treatments on me 3 months ago! Whoops. Who knew?

The acupunturist was so nice---very informative, very sharp, very kind. And she specializes in acupuncture for infertility--yay for me! We spent about an hour going over history & paperwork--what treatments I'd been through, what my reaction had been to the drugs, etc. Then it was on to the good stuff.

She had me undress from the waist down, and then lay down on my back on a table, replete with pillow for my neck and for under my knees, and then cover myself with a towel. She then proceeded to insert the needles all over my body-- I think there were 2 in my feet, 2 or 3 in my legs, 1 in each knee, several along my belly/lower abdomen, and then one in each ear. --That was definitely the strangest!

The needles were super-thin... as in, practically no thicker than a strand of hair! You could hardly even feel them--some I did feel at insertion, but others I didn't feel at all. And then once they were in, I couldn't feel anything. ...Just the oddest, tingly sensation around that area.

She then turned on a nice, soothing cd, rolled a little heat lamp over my exposed feet/lower legs, and told me to focus on my body...to focus on what was going on in my ovaries, and to pretend that I was floating out in the water at my favorite beach somewhere... She gave all the needles a few little flicks (feeling the vibrations from it was crazy-weird!), and left me to my daydreaming.

A half-hour later, and we were done. I felt relaxed, very peaceful.

She recommended I come in every 2-3 days 'til the retrieval, and also suggested that on the day of the ER, to come in once beforehand, and then again right afterwards.

Seems like a lot to me, and it's not the cheapest thing in the world, but then again... a) it felt REALLY good; b)I don't want to NOT do it and regret it later... so I think we'll keep it up 'til after the ER.

She surprised me by asking me to call her and give her updates -- she said that she would be tailoring the treatments according to my progress, and that there were special things she could do to try and increase or decrease (in the case of hyperstimming again) my follie's progress. Pretty cool stuff!

Also, I did find out from my RE today that the trigger shot from my last IVF round was fine...which means they're chalking up the failed ER to a "patient administration error" with the trigger shot. I can only say that I was afraid of that. It's disappointing, and makes me that much more nervous about something going wrong this round. I mean, seriously peeps---it's not like we have the money to just screw around on these attempts, and can pay for umpteen more! This is our last shot at a fresh round for 2010--and I'm just really hoping and praying that we'll, at the very least, get some good eggs out of this, and that they'll fertilize well.

That's all I ask, God.

(okay, okay... that's all I ask for today, God. Tomorrow might be different!)

But--- one good thing. I did get my RE to agree to mix my novarel trigger shot for us for next week, so we don't have to worry about screwing that part up. It's one of the few varieties that you can pre-mix and then store in the fridge 'til use, so we're doing that. Also, I have a nurse friend that I might just have to invite over to do the shot administration honors... We'll see!

For now, I'm feeling good. Hopefully. ...Cautiously optomistic...

Keep us in your prayers, ya'll!

A Wedding and a mini-Panic

2010-06-15T16:37:00.002-04:00

…not by the bride or groom, thank God…

This weekend was my baby brother’s wedding… He’s officially a married man. (crazy!) The whole thing was absolutely beautiful, as was the bride. Everything went off perfectly (at least to my knowledge)---with the exception of the slight, muffled sound of my 5-week old nephew, Liam, crying in the “quiet” room in the back of the sanctuary during the ceremony… poor little guy had just about had it with all the commotion and people that he’d endured for two days… But for a wedding, that’s small potatoes to what could potentially go wrong, right? Thankfully, nothing else did, and it was a blast!

The bride’s prayers were answered—there was no rain on Saturday. What she did get, however, was heat and high humidity instead. It was an OVEN outside ya’ll… thank goodness the wedding & reception were both indoors. This was make-up-melting heat. …And it’s just JUNE. Oh dear…

The mini-panic. Actually, truth be told, this preceded the wedding.

Based on the plan for IVF round #2, I was told to take my last BCP on the 10th of June, which I did. From what I could recall of my previous conversation with my RE nurse, she had told me to “expect to get my period sometime within the following week" of my last BCP...which I thought meant some time between the 10th and the 17th. Umm, I actually started spotting on Tuesday the 8th, and it was full-flow by the 10th---no waiting around for the last BCP to make it official! This completely threw me, and I was a little nervous as to what would come of AF's early appearance.

Now, back in April, me and the DH had a little sit-down with our ER to plan out this next IVF cycle, and had discussed the fact that I would be out of town this weekend, attending my brother’s wedding, and thus would prefer it if I was not in the middle of lots of IVF stuff. At the time, I was told this wouldn’t be a problem--that we could work around it.

Given this, I only brought home the Lup.ron shots that I would be taking each morning…leaving my Gon.al-F at home. Apparently, this was a mistake.
When I called the RE office to advise them of my CD-1, they advised me to start taking my stim shots of Gon.al-F the next evening – the day of my brother’s wedding.

At that point, I had my mini-panic. I didn’t have my meds with me, I had specifically talked to them about avoiding having to take shots in the middle of my brother’s wedding reception, I didn’t have my meds with me—did I say that already?? …and then started panicking that I was already screwing up this whole month’s cycle because I hadn’t brought them, and oh my.

The nurse had to go consult my dear Dr about it, and call me back. Did I mention yet that a) we were packing up to leave my house, to go to the hotel and then straight on to the rehearsal dinner, and b) my parent’s house gets the worst cell phone reception ever? …It’s like they friggin’ live in a cave or something!

So we packed up the car, drove off, and I got a VM ding for a missed call. From the RE office. Telling me that she needed to talk to me, but that the office was closing! Thankfully she was such a sweetheart that she gave me her cell phone number to call, which I promptly did.

In the end, they said I would be able to start my stim shots on Sunday evening—by which time we’d be home, and everything would be fine… (whew)

All that panicking kinda kick-started my system though—it took a few hours for the adrenaline to wear off, and a few days for the nervousness over fearing I’d somehow screwed up this cycle early, to go away.

Today is day 3 of stim shots—112.5 IU of Gon.al-F. I think the Dr is trying me on a lower dosage this go-round to see if it decreases my chance of over-stimulating…which I did majorly last time (59 mature follies and a E2 of almost 9,000). I hope it works!

Thus far, I feel good. Am trying to decide how long I should try to go about my usual routine and normal exercise… I’ve been enjoying running and zumba classes lately, as well as my DH’s P90X videos, but I’m not sure where the line is between doing enough to keep me sane and overdoing it… I know that I most likely won't feel like or be able to do much of anything though, so I'd like to do as much as I can, while I can. Is that stupid? Do you think I'll regret my exercising if it doesn't go well?

Comments or suggestions welcome!

IF's Purpose

2010-06-09T10:44:00.010-04:00

Just read a fabulous post this morning by fellow blogger Lisa (see post at http://whilewaitingiwillworship.blogspot.com/2010/06/rambling-thoughts.html --couldn't get the link to work!) Her thoughts resonated so strongly with me, perfectly articulating how I feel about IF, and its purpose in my life.

I may not like it, but it's my reality. Whether or not I am IF is completely beyond my control. What I choose to do with it--how I choose to act, by my words and my deeds--is entirely in my control.

Lisa's post brought another favorite verse to mind: II Corinthians 1:3-5
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

I cannot help but see the truth in this scripture. In fact, it has played itself out repeatedly in my life.

When I was younger, my mom had a stroke. Not a major one, thank God, but enough to put her out of commission for several weeks, requiring both physical therapy and speech therapy. Other than a deep depression that she struggled with for several years afterwards, the only parting gift from her stroke was a personality change... one that was quite significant to her immediate family, but not as noticeable to the outside world. Let's just say that my mom's sense of logic, of humor, of common sense, are just a little...off. But other than that, she had no lasting physical impairments from her stroke.

Immediately following the event, and for many years afterwards, our family pulled together and focused on surviving...quickly learning to make up for any neglected areas that mom was no longer able or inclined to care for (cooking, cleaning, laundry), and life went on. In retrospect, I'd say we all came out stronger, and certainly more domestically-equipped. :)

In college, however, I became much more aware of the strength and intimacy of my peers' relationships to their mothers, and more aware of the condition of my relationship with my own. I began to view my mother's stroke as a kind of death, to mourn the loss of her previous personality. I began my journey to acceptance of my mom's new personality -- not an easy one for me.

I had a lot of anger about the stroke--why God had allowed it to happen. So often during visits or just phone conversations, I would be unable to contain my anger and frustration at my mom's new personality--the forgetfulness, the idiosyncracies that were seemingly illogical to me... but I knew I was angry at the stroke--not at my mom. The struggle to contain that anger, to hide it from her in our conversations and interactions, became a continual one for me. When I would fail to hide it well, I was left feeling so overwhelmingly guilty and ashamed of my attitude or the sharpness of my tongue... She was and is still my mom, and was/is wholly deserving of my love and respect.

During that time, God kept pulling me back to that verse. I had loved it from my initial reading of it, and easily saw the daily application of it in my life--but at the time, had no clue of its greater meaning and purpose.

Fast-forward to 2006. My best friend from college called me out of the blue one day, frantic and in hysterics... I could hardly understand her from her sobbing. Her own mother--a vivacious, sharp-witted and highly intelligent businesswoman at the top of her game and in her prime--had just suffered a stroke. A major stroke. And she was not so fortunate, in her final outcome. My friend's mom went from leading a full life, traveling for work 4 days a week as a VP in a major consulting firm, in a strong and healthy marriage, to needing 24 care, with little use of the left side of her body, and significant damage to both her short-term memory and her personality.

To say that this was devastating to my friend's mom, and her entire family, doesn't even begin to do the situation justice.

Her mother was the breadwinner in the family--her husband was retired, so all income and health benefits were covered through her job. The stroke caused irreparable damage to their finances, requiring the husband to go back into the working world, just to pay the bills and ongoing care costs. Their marriage, needless to say, has been tested in ways that I cannot even imagine.

The frustration and anger and grief that my friend experienced, post-stroke, was so similar to what I'd experienced... her pain resonated in me, recalling to mind so acutely the anguish I'd felt, mourning the loss of my pre-stroke mom.

It was then that I understood more intimately the truth in that scripture, and the purpose God had intended for it in my life.

One of my spiritual gifts is showing compassion & mercy--I have, by default, a nurturing spirit. So I know that whatever God does in my life, He does so in order to put my gifts to good use.

Because I myself had experience my mom's stroke, and received God comfort and compassion through that time, I was able to share that comfort & compassion with my friend. I wholeheartedly sympathized with her grief, with the anger and frustration she experienced, with the mourning of her mom's old personality and the struggle to accept the new one as permanent. I had lived this.

In the same way, I think God has a greater purpose for my struggle and journey with IF... I think He is equipping me to be able to share my journey with others, and to help comfort them in the dark days, and direct them as much as possible back to the One who is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort... And despite the pain of this struggle, I look forward to seeing what He does with this in my life. Who He leads into it, how He may grow me, and how He will glorify Himself in this process.

I pray that it will only make my heart bigger, and that my words and deeds to others will be a true reflection of that.

"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

Looking Forward

2010-06-07T14:48:00.003-04:00

Ahh, just got back from a weekend at the in-law’s lakehouse… so nice! Despite a few pop-up thunderstorms, it was mostly a sunny and perfect weekend. Definitely worked on blotting out my pasty whiteness with some color---and thankfully, that color is only partially tinged with pink!

My baby brother gets married next week, which seems just crazy to me. He’s 6 ½ years younger than me, and still seems so young. …And then I remember that I was younger than him when DH and I got married, which seems absurd. I mean, what were my parents thinking? We were mere babes! Kids! We knew nothing! Had no money---only one job between us, when we actually got married—and that didn’t pay us a lick the first 3 months.

Thankfully, my brother and his future wife are in a much better situation. He has a job—a good one. Which he loves, and that has some pretty incredible perks, working in the music industry in Nashvegas. The future SIL also has a good job, which she seems to like (her first one after graduating this spring), and it pays pretty well for a first job, too. Plus, my brother bought a small house about a year and a half ago (again, as a mere babe), and he’s spent much of his free time fixing up the place for his future bride.

In other words, they are pretty much set.

Comparatively, the DH and I were flat broke when we married – the DH even borrowed eight grand from his padre when we got married, to help us with the first few months’ expenses. He had a job, as I alluded to previously---but one of those where you have to spend the first 60-90 days getting all these licenses with which you will be allowed to do said future job—which leaves you forking out lots of dough in the beginning, with absolutely bubkiss coming in the door. Combine this with the fact that I had no job when we married, and took on a job as a hostess at a local restaurant just to pass the time while I job-searched…and we were definitely “married-broke.” For a looong time. I’d say the first six months we were married, we went out to eat (as in, fast-food dining) maybe 4 times. In retrospect, I guess it’s good that we had little to no friends in the city at the time—we wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Needless to say, the loan from Daddio really paid off for us!

This September marks our 8th anniversary… crazy that it’s already been 8 years already. We dated for 3 ½ before that, so in some ways it feels like we’ve been together forever anyways. Over a third of my life—how weird does that sound?

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, we are no longer in the financial straits we were when we first got hitched. I got a job, then a better job, and then a muchmuch better job (my current one—excluding the PFH--see post here), and the hubby too has moved on to a better company with his job as well. We live within 10-12 minutes of our respective offices—down from an hour and a half for the DH, each way. And the paygrade has probably tripled from where we started out. (That’s not to sound impressive---oh no. That’s to highlight how very LIT-TLE we actually made... think poverty line, peeps)

Praise God that we’ve been able to afford a house closer to work & church. Praise God that we’ve paid off one car, and only have 6-8 payments left on the other. Praise God that we’ve been able to cover the close to twenty grand (thus far) for IF-related treatments this year. And biggest praise and shocker-moment-of-the-weekend, we’ll be able to afford to go on vacation this year. A vacation that I am in desparate need of. And not just any ‘ole vacation people… Europe.

The DH threw that out there while we were chatting in the car, on the way up to the lakehouse on Friday, and I about lost it. Had I been driving, I might have run off the road from the shock.

I have been coaxing and wheedling and begging and nagging about going to Europe for.ev.er. I’ve never been anywhere there except Spain (studied Spanish for 4 months there in 2001) and he’s been all over western Europe (albeit as a kid—went on 2 different soccer tours as a 13 and 15 yrd old). As such, he kinda feels like he’s ‘been there, done that.’ I keep trying to point out that he hasn’t really done any of it—not as an adult.

The cost has really been the prohibitive factor thus far. Years and years of “it’s too expensive” and “I can’t take that much time off work” were the only response my persuasive wheedling would get me.

But thanks in large part to the recent decline in the Europian world markets (sorry Greece—wait, I mean, thanks!!), it’s now suddenly an option. Now---to figure out where to go.

Oh boy. That’s going to be a doozy for me—I’m not good with decisions. And there are so many places to see… all in 9 or 10 days. I don’t like feeling rushed through a city so fast I don’t remember it—during my time in Spain, I had between 1 and 5 weeks in every city we hit… and I only have 9-10 days for the entire trip.

So… Anyone got any good suggestions for where we should go, with a cap of 3 or 4 places?

In other news-- today is day 5 of Lu.pron shots… and other than a major headache 12 hours after the first shot (almost down to the minute, so bizarre!), I don’t have any bad symptoms from the shots, except for feeling sleepier than usual at night and in the mornings… and that’s not a bad one! Just means I’m more likely to go to bed on-time when I’m taking my shots, than not.

I haven’t really said much about Round #2, so I guess I should share the tentative schedule:

June 3 – start Lu.pron shots
June 10th – stop BCPs
@ June 17th – start stim shots of Gon.al-F
@ July 1st weekend - trigger shot
@ July 4-6th (assuming trigger above) – ER
@ July 9-11th (yadayadayada, same as above) – ET

Fun way to spend a holiday weekend, right? (sigh)

I’m just praying that everything goes smoothly this time. No out-of-whack hormones. No failed trigger shots. Come’on, good embies!

At least there’s a vacation to look forward to in the fall, no matter what the outcome…

Necessary Distractions

2010-06-01T16:24:00.002-04:00

How do ya'll distract yourselves from obsessing on something you're trying desperately to NOT think about??

I am failing miserably in my attempts today... I don't know what it is that's set me off. I had a perfectly good holiday weekend... cleaned up the house, relaxed, even went shopping one day with my MIL (whom I love, thankfully!), grilled out for Memorial Day... and other than one off-hand comment made by another grill-out attendee about how "those women who can't have babies just can't because they're trying too hard"---OTHER than that comment, I had a great, non-obsessed weekend.

Unfortunately, whatever magic I had going on that allowed me to be so blissfully distracted must have died in my sleep last night.

'Cause it is GONE TODAY, ladies!

I am so stinkin' restless, I feel like I could climb the walls in my office. But. Due to the fact that I have a group of internal auditors occupying a near-by office (and also due to the fact that gravity is such a downer and all), I don't think I'll try that anytime soon. Thus, I am left with an unrelenting case of ADD...which I don't technically have. But still. Can. not. focus!

The work sitch isn't really improving any... we found out last week that the ongoing issues with the PFH (for background on the PFH, see this post) were officially being 'escalated' up the flagpole to the head of the company--and the PFH was halted. Indefinitely. --okay, indefinitely 'til we get a response from the company, with acceptable resolutions to our issues and an acceptable revised budget.

But.

The invariable outcome of this 'pause' is, unfortunately, that the project will be extended into 2011... that we will continue through September here, pause once again for our busiest season of the year (fourth quarter), and then reconvene again in late January/early February.

I'm not sure I can handle the PFH beyond 2010. I'm still not sure I can handle it now.

Anyway-- to digress. Given the 'pause' in things, there's a little more room to breathe in all the project-related deadlines. This is good for sanity, and bad for day-dreaming your way through the day. Day dreams lead to obsessing, people!

At home, I usually try distracting myself with good books, a little exercise, walking our pups, a movie or whatever reality-trash-tv is on, you name it. Here at work--well, you can't really go distract yourself with any of those options at your desk, now, can you.

How do you make yourself focus on the work at hand, and distract yourself from whatever issue/crisis/restlessness you might be experiencing?

This girl could use some suggestions.

The ongoing battle against Fear

2010-05-28T11:34:00.002-04:00

I subscribe to a daily email 'devotional', from Sarah's Laughter. Sarah's Laughter is a Christian online infertility support group, and they send out encouraging emails on different topics or issues dealing with infertility, which give you a few verses and a commentary on them. Their recent theme has been on Fear & Anxiety, which for me, has been much-needed. Since fear & anxiety are continual problems in dealing with IF (at least for me!), I wanted to share some excerpts from one of my recent favorites with you:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

God has allotted to each a measure of faith...
Romans 12:3

What a whirlpool of emotions you face when infertility invades your life! What a whirlpool of decisions that must be made! What a whirlpool of thoughts and fears! There are times you honestly feel like you are drowning in the waters of infertility and every thought, every decision, everything you do just gets you sucked further and further into infertility’s depths. What could be more frustrating?

Someone telling you to relax?

Okay, okay! I know! I always promise to never tell anyone struggling with infertility to “RELAX!” But when looking through the filter of God’s plan for your life, I believe it to be appropriate to encourage you to relax! He’s not telling you to relax because the problem you face is unimportant or doesn’t matter. He’s telling you that you can relax in the knowledge that he knows what to do to pull you through the whirlwind of infertility. Isaiah 41:10 says it best:

Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Relax in His plan for you. You can trust Him to have a good plan for your life.

Does this mean you won’t be frustrated any more? Of course not! But God has given you a measure of faith. Activate the faith He has placed in you and relax in the knowledge that He really does hold your life in His hands.

Eventually, you’ll find the whirlpool fading away.

Infertility won’t always be the intense struggle it is for you today.

Activate your faith in the One who promises to guide you through this terrifying time in your life.

You may just find the splashes of fear fading away."

...I am hoping and praying that we will ALL come out of this season of life as survivors of IF, as victors over the fear & anxiety that attempt to cripple us in our day-to-day lives, and as stronger and more compassionate wives/sisters/daughters/friends to those around us.

Round Two

2010-05-27T16:11:00.002-04:00

Here we are... gearing up for IVF round #2. ...I wish there was a way to express the jumble of nerves that sentence makes me--how my stomach immediately twists up in knots, my heart rate speeds up, I suddenly feel restless and impatient... crazy what a physical reaction it brings.

But it's almost here...almost time to dive back into the shots again. I'm currently taking my BCP's---funny how that's something I a)apparently never needed, and paid for unnecessarily all those years, and b) now look forward to taking, since it means that we'll be starting our IVF round soon. Plus, let's just be honest -- it keeps my hormones much more in balance (read: less outburts of anger and/or tears, for which my poor DH thanks the good Lord), and my skin never looks this good on its' own.... so at least there are some perks, people!

At this point I'm feeling...cautiously optimistic. It's easy to feel this way when you're not yet "in the trenches" of the treatment though...before the fear & anxiety of potential failure starts to eat away at your confidence. But right now, I feel good. The DH got P90X for his birthday in April, so I'm trying to go through those workouts with him--pepper those in with the couple gym classes I like to take, and I feel like I'm getting more consistent with my workouts these days, which is a good thing! Summer is practically here already, and I'm about 3 months behind in my bikini-body preparations... hopefully by the time our vacation in September arrives, I'll be ready for one. 'Til then, shield your eyes people. There's a whole lot of pasty whiteness to blind you, combined with the flab. Oh so pretty.

Which leads me to a momentary lapse of frustration, over Boys and Their Lack of Understanding/Sensitivity... this is, as you may well know, a very broad issue. Today's installment comes to you care of Summertime Boat Outtings.

Not that there's anything wrong with the DH getting super-excited about summer, or about boat outtings. Or the desire for boat outtings to be a frequent occurence, given the season. The issue is the lack of understanding & sensitivity to the fact that he expects me to be JUST as excited as he is. Just as desirous of these ventures. Which I am not.

...Have I not yet already mentioned the extreme paleness that is my current skin tone? The flab that still clings to my legs, abs, and sadder still, upper arms? Umm, not super-excited about showing these off just yet, thanks!

Somehow, my proposal to postpone all boat outtings 'til after Labor Day (remember, bikini-ready in September, people) was met with a blank stare and a "are you freggin' crazy??" from the DH.

Also, as girls, we all know that there's no such thing as just throwin' on your suit and hitting the water. We girls require preparation.. more specifically, a little "maintenance" is required in certain areas, which takes time & effort (and usually results in a lovely case of razor burn). So. Not too super-excited about those efforts, either. ...what I wouldn't do for lazer hair removal!!

Granted, the boat is always fun--once you're there, and in the water. Not fun getting ready for it. Not fun riding in the car on the way there, contemplating your own stark pastiness and flabbier-than-you'd-like bod.

But. The smile on DH's face when you get the boat into the water, and set out to enjoy the lake? Priceless.

...Guess I'll just have to take one for the team, and blind any and all who stand too close. My apologies in advance!

Hope & Acceptance

2010-05-26T10:52:00.001-04:00

Just read this on another IF blog (which I would link to, if I knew anything at all about blogging!...another lesson for another day though). It resonated so deeply with me that I wanted to repost it here:

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

author unknown

In Related News...

2010-05-21T10:17:00.001-04:00

From today's Fertility Authority headlines:

The Connection Between Infertility and Depression
by Jennifer A. Redmond, Editor-in-Chief, May 20, 2010

A former Food Network personality, Juan-Carlos Cruz, has been arrested and charged with attempted murder and solicitation to commit murder. According to the Los Angeles Times, sources say that Cruz and his wife have infertility and that the alleged murder for hire of Cruz’s wife was a plan hatched to put her out of her misery. We don’t know if that is in fact the case, but we do know that women with infertility suffer with greater levels of stress and depression than the average person.

“Three studies have shown that the stress of women with infertility is equal to the stress of women with cancer,” says Alice D. Domar, Ph.D. Executive Director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health, in Waltham, Mass. and the Director of Mind/Body Services at Boston IVF. “We forget how stressful it is to not get pregnant, to have a fertility workup, to have fertility treatment,” she says.

Other studies have demonstrated disproportionately high rates of depression as well, according to Domar. Approximately 34 percent of women going through IVF had depression, and 68 percent suffered from depression following a failed IVF cycle. This is compared to 3 percent of the general public. And, only 21 percent of those who were depressed were in treatment for depression, Domar adds.

According to Domar, it’s important for women with infertility to recognize that depression is associated with infertility, and be proactive about it before you hit rock bottom: join a support group, talk to friends, or see a counselor. Domar also suggests learning coping skills and cognitive restructuring, which entails reframing negative thoughts.

While infertility will leave a scar, it’s a temporary crisis, Domar explains. Studies have shown that women’s long term mental health is not affected by infertility or the method chosen to resolve infertility.

Haircuts and Puppy Kisses

2010-05-20T20:17:00.002-04:00

...are two things that can always brighten this gal's day.

Nothing feels better than getting your haircut. To me, it's like a mini-spa day. Someone else washing your hair. The scalp massage..! Chatting with your stylist (whom I LOVE) and/or the interesting people around you. Leaving, feeling like a million bucks. Being told your hair looks like a million bucks..even if it is only for the next few hours, before bedtime. ..Such a nice feeling!

And, of course, coming home to my two sweet puppy girls, who are always thrilled to see me, and push/pull each other out of the way, trying to get closest to their 'mama' to see who can give the most puppy kisses. Slobbery as they are, they always brighten my day.

My day needed brightening. It was a rough one. Some days I am fully capable of functioning like a normal human being, going about my job, getting things done. Other days--not so much. Today was one of those 'not so much' days.

I've had a lot of those lately...an alarming number of them, really. My DH even pointed out to me, during our 'evening consistution' when we walk our pups round the neighborhood, that HE's even noticed it's getting bad. Which is definitely not...good.

When it gets to the point when you have drag yourself out of bed, after more than 8 hours sleep (which i have to have to function well), dragging yourself to work--only to get there and barely tolerate the 8 hours at your desk 'til you can leave again---then you are looking at some serious red flags, folks. You aren't happy.

And I'm not.

Thing is, I love my company. I work for a wonderful Christian non-profit. It's a very encouraging and inspiring place to work--most of the time. The people there are wonderful, truly. The job, even, is both interesting and challenging. Granted, there are some definite negatives (non-profs = not the greatest salary, and working massive OT during Christmas/New Year's isn't exactly ideal), but overall, it's a great job.

Then came The Project. (secretly labeled "The Project from Hell")

The PFH came about for the very good reason that we were growing--had grown too big, in fact, for our old systems. We needed a new one. One that would, God willing, enable us to grow much, much bigger, and take us many many moons into the future of the company. A new system that would be more efficient, more automated. Less work!

We were sold. The system was found, sales contracts were signed, and preparations were made. Early in 2010, we officially launched the PFH, requiring the company to convert all our current systems over to the new. Departments named individuals to represent them and manage their team's conversion. The VP of ours sought me out to nominate me as representative for ours... I was snowed by the talk of the 'grand' opportunity to showcase my leadership skills, by how impressive it would look on a resume. ...of it being a good 'filler' for an otherwise slower time of year...

Another thing I was promised was that it wouldn't be stressful. Which, of course, was a big fat lie. LIE, people!

---Not that my boss would intentionally, knowingly lie to me. He wouldn't. He is a very nice man--nicer than most of my former bosses--but he oversimplifies things. And convinces himself that everything's easier than it is... And if this wasn't the mother of oversimplifying, I don't know what is.

So I'm stuck. The project will last 'til the fall, at which point our busy season commences. Which means, NO BREAK. No rest for the weary. --Not that I want months of slowness--but hey, 6-8 weeks of it, I could handle.

The bigger issue is that the PFH isn't going well. It's waaay off the projected timeline, and due to some major delays related to my department (which thankfully, aren't my/our fault whatsoever), it will continue to fall behind... which could mean that we don't actually finish it this year...which means it'll just roll right into 2011, and keep on going.

And I just don't know if I can handle that.

Today was a breakdown-in-the-bathroom-day -- twice, in fact. The stress of a) not really knowing what I'm doing with all this, coupled with b) increasing pressure from the project leads to submit weekly reports with increasingly-detailed 'status' updates with detailed timeframes, when c) the delays in my dept mean we don't know when the freak we're going to have any of it ready, nor do I know when the hell we WILL know, all loaded on top of d) trying to get through the freaking day without succumbing entirely to the obsession that IS my IF blog-reading (or just on on infertility in general).... and I am losing it. Rapidly.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I've debated telling my boss that I can't lead our dept anymore---but he's stretched with some other projects as it is, and I'm not sure I can do that to him. I also don't want to feel like a failure to the company/big-wigs, for giving up. (which, given how few know about my IF issue, is probably how it would be judged) But I'm not sure I can go through another 4 months (this year, plus Lord knows how much next year if/when it gets extended) of it all. I'm barely keeping myself together as things are now.

Today I had to skip a lunch meeting so I could get away from the office for an hour, just to physically leave the place. That's bad. My old job has never looked so good.

But on the larger scale-- I'm starting to wonder if it's time for me to start looking elsewhere. Which is SUPER scary. (interviews?! being new again?! learning curve?! AHH!) But I'm in serious need of something less stressful. More manageable. --Possibly with the option of flex hours, job-sharing, or potentially part-time in the future (assuming we do eventually get knocked up, please God!!). Can something like this exist, within 30 minutes of our house, at a level-or-higher salary, with a good boss/company???

Hey, a girl can dream.

Just for Kicks...

2010-05-12T14:25:00.006-04:00

A silly post, inspired by fellow blogger Jaime at friedpinktomato.blogspot.com, just for fun...

The ABC’s of Me…

A - Age: 31 (gah!) …or should I say, 29 + 2 anniversaries?

B - Bed Size: Queen …though with our two puppies in it, it’s getting a bit crowded… maybe one day we will upgrade to a King!

C - Chore you hate: All of them really! But vacuuming & cleaning the bathroom are the worst.

D - Dog's name: Lucy Belle and Lila. Lucy’s a soft coated wheaten terrier, and Lila is a wheaten/sheep dog mix.

E - Essential start your day item: I used to say caffeine---but now that that’s taboo, I guess I must say breakfast & water. …can’t start a car without gas, right?

F - Favorite color: blue or green

G - Gold or Silver: Prefer gold, but will wear silver if the outfit calls for it…

H - Height: 5' 7"

I - Instruments you play(ed): I was forced to take piano lessons as a child, for 6 long years as “part of my education.” Guess who can barely play chopsticks now?!

J - Job title: Peon. ...maybe that's not the technical term for the role, but it's still accurate.

K - Kid(s): Yeah yeah, workin’ on it.

L - Living arrangements: Traditional two-story home in an older neighborhood in suburban Atlanta. Despite the fact that my neighborhood lacks the requisite amenities of neighborhood pool & tennis court, I actually love my neighborhood. It was formed back in the late 60’s, when our area of town was considered “the boonies,” so the yards are big, the trees are older and very large, the streets are wide…and you don’t feel like you’re in Atlanta anymore when you drive into the neighborhood! ...such a nice feeling.

M - Mom's name: Peggy Jean

N - Nicknames: As I’m keeping this blog anonymous, I’ll share my childhood nicknames only. Bell, Bean, Monkey (apparently my folks couldn’t stop me from climbing anything in sight)

O - Overnight hospital: Thank goodness, no.

P - Pet peeve: Chewing your fingernails, people! Or clicking your pen incessantly… it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me… Negative people, or those who only want to tear others down, instead build them up.

Q - Quote from a movie: “Gerry, I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating…And not a little bit scary.” Sliding Doors

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: Two of ‘em, an older sister, and a younger brother.

T - Time you wake up: Weekdays—between 7:30 and 8 am. Weekends—as late as my pups will let me!

U - Underwear: Always!

V - Vegetable you dislike: brussel sprouts, asparagus out of a can (mushy and gross!), cauliflower.

W - Ways you run late: Umm… I’m a slow-mover in the mornings anyways… so combine that with my lack of sleep, inability to be proactive and choose my outfits the night before, and numerous failed attempts to get my one sleepy-head pup outside in the morning, and yeah—I’m pretty much always late. But hey—you get points for consistency, right?

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth, of course. Anywhere in the vicinity of my lady parts. Head ---due to an icy spill I took when I was young, and knocked my head against a tree… weeks and weeks of headaches for a child will almost guarantee you a CAT scan. Thankfully, no lasting brain damage—that I can recall. ;-)

Y - Yummy food you make: white chicken enchiladas from The Pioneer Woman…amazing! Also love making my grandmother’s cherry cobbler for holidays. Lightened breakfast casserole for weekdays… grilled veggies to go with whatever else is for dinner...

Z - Zoo favorite: Who can resist baby ANYTHING at the zoo?? Baby koala, baby penguin, baby black bears, baby monkeys? But overall, the monkeys. They’re just so funny to watch.

Resting

2010-05-11T16:10:00.005-04:00

A sweet friend of mine, a fellow IFer, gave me a devotional book for my birthday this year... Yesterday's message really resonated with me, for obvious reasons. The devotion reads as if it is God speaking directly to you, and then gives supporting scriptural references...I love it. Here it is:

Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.

When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.

Scripture references: John 15:5 II Corinthians 1:8-9 Ephesians 5:20

To me, those scripture references seem lacking somehow... I would have paired the devotional with the following verse:

James 1:2-8, 12

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.... Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

This has long been one of my favorite verses of scripture, and one that infertility makes quite relevant to me. Although I can't honestly say that I count my infertility pure joy--or my dr visits, or my injections, or my meltdowns---I can say that I know that He is working in me through this.

It's not fun, it's not easy, and it's most often painful on many different levels. But I know that He is bringing me on my knees through this...

I can either wear myself out with vain attempts to 'control' things in my life, OR... I can rest in my dependence on the One Who Controls It All.

Ummm, yeah. I think I'll rest.

Wistful D.I.N.K.ing

2010-05-10T17:03:00.001-04:00

I almost named my blog this, but decided not to, in case it made no sense to anyone. But this is really how I feel/what I am… “Wistful” (adj) Pensive and sad. Deep in sad thoughts, especially thoughts of something yearned for or lost, or expressing this sad yearning. “D.I.N.K.ing” (noun/verb) “Double-Income, No Kids.” I am one-half of a DINK couple, wishing it weren’t so. (also trying to make a play on the word “dinking” as a sub for “thinking”---but I didn’t have to tell you that, did I?

The title, of course, brings up the recent holiday, Mother’s Day.
MD, in recent years, has become one of the most painful days/weekends of the year. Truth be told, any sort of milestone mark of the year (birthdays, holidays, etc) forces me to reconcile where He has me in life versus where I wanted to be/thought I'd be by this point (a mom with x number of babies, staying home or doing something else, whatever!), and the reality of where I am in life is, at times, quite difficult to accept.

MD in particular, is one of the most difficult. Mothers across the country are celebrated and praised, publicly as well as privately. You can’t go anywhere on MD without it being rubbed in your face…grocery store, restaurant, church, CVS, you name it—something or someone references it in front of you or to you. Even your TV, radio, and movies are safe from it. Friends are celebrating it. Families are celebrating it. You’re expected to participate in the celebration, and swallow any pain that it might cause you.

This is the second year that I opted out of church services… they’re just too much for me to handle, what with the kids choir singing to their mothers in the crowd, the mommy-centric sermon, constant stream of tears running down my face, having to make excuses for why I am so upset… it’s just too much.

So we slept in, and took it easy. And it ended up being a nice day. My DH swept our downstairs for me (a minor miracle, considering he typically spends his time/efforts in the yard during warm-weather months), and I did laundry and tidied up the house. I walked our two pups around the park where my DH had an afternoon soccer game. Spent some time looking at pictures that I want to frame for my office, and figuring out what to put on our guest room walls. (My current project is to finish decorating our two guest rooms--and no, we didn’t really intend to have two…but.) Given my lack of decorative skill or background, this is quite an undertaking. But overall, it was a nice day.

During our evening walk with the pups, DH asked me how I was doing. This was a loaded question, as he was really asking how my heart was doing with the whole baby-hungry-but-have-infertility-doing-fertility-treatments thing. I try my best not to cry in front of him too much though (it makes him so upset to see me crying, so I try to spare him that), so I managed to keep my tears in check and just talk.
Honestly, I’m both impatient and scared. Impatient, because I want to get this friggin’ IVF show on the road and get through it already---get to the point that we might have a real shot at this, at conceiving, carrying, and having a baby of our own… And on the flip side, I am scared to death that something else will go wrong. That we won’t make it to a transfer. That there will be no embies to fertilize or freeze. That we’ll experience another miserable failure, and have to go back to scrimping & saving up our money for the next __ (months? Years?) in order to afford future IVF treatments. That it will be another __ years before DH and I will be a mom and a dad to a sweet, precious baby.

On a lighter note… DH got P90X for his birthday a few weeks ago, and I’m trying to go through it with him. Luckily, he’s not doing it hard-core --- he’s done Days 1, 2, and 3 over a two week period (which is MORE than fine with me! Those suckers are tough man!). I’m looking forward to doing Day 4 this week—Yoga. I think I’m going to enjoy watching DH do Yoga more than anything…. Let’s just say this will be “beyond his comfort zone.” But we’re both trying to be more active and get into better shape. DH, just ‘cause he wants to. Me, ‘cause I know I should be more active, and at least my activity and diet are within the realm of control, right? Nothing else is, so I might as well enjoy this and make the most of it!

Lord, help me to give up bread and chips, and anything else that DH may choose to eat in front of me that’s bad (which you know he does ALL.THE.TIME.

Ps. Can you please strike his conscience about that for me, and make him feel just a tad guilty about that??

My LBs sure would appreciate it.
A-men.

Grant me strength...

2010-05-06T16:46:00.003-04:00

It's been a tough week -- lots of thoughts to share, but limited time in which to share them... at least for the moment.

Am about to go to my first baby shower in a while... Lord, please help me keep it together, and be able to rejoice in this celebration wholeheartedly.

And if you'd allow me to get home before losing it, I'd be grateful.

Amen.

History

2010-05-02T15:35:00.005-04:00

I promised myself I would share a little of our history thus far... where we have been, and how we came to this point in our lives.

My DH and I were college sweethearts, and married soon after graduating in 2002. We moved to the big city, and determined to focus on having fun and getting our lives 'together' for at least 3-5 years before we'd consider having children... We were excited to be DINKs (Double-Income, No Kids), and gave no thought to what the future might hold in store for us. In my mind, there was nothing to worry about --my older sister had already proven how very fertile she was several times over, so it never even occurred to me that we would not have the same ease of conceiving. ...sooo very naive and presumptuous of me.

The years passed, parents on both sides began giving us a hard time about grandbabies (who am I kidding--my mother started in on that before we'd barely made it down the aisle!), and we began joking around about the 'revolving door' of our 3-5 year plan, just to get them off our backs. In truth, we retired my birth control as an early Christmas present back in 2006--fully anticipating that we'd be expecting by my 28th birthday the following March. Boy, how wrong was I.

As time passed, I started noticing things...like the fact that my cycle had gone haywire within the first year off the pill. I'd go from 20-day cycles to a 45-day cycle...which is just long enough to completely mess with your head and send you through several packages of pregnancy tests -- all negative. The pre-pubescent acne that I had somehow managed to avoid as a teen came back and found me with a vengeance...and despite being MUCH nearer to my thirties than to my teens, suddenly I was fighting breakouts like I'd never experienced before; ones which were no longer responsive to my ususal facial cleansers. But the most disturbing trend I saw was my weight-- in the span of two years, I'd gained a not-insignificant amount of libbies, and found it near impossible to lose any of them. Even my DH, who had witnessed my healthier eating and 5-day-a-week workout regimen, would comment in surprise at how 'amazing' it was that I hadn't yet lost any weight. Amazing, my foot...more like 'shocking' for him and devastating to me. Clearly, the time had come to seek out professional help. And so I did.

In the 2nd year of TTC, I caved and went in to my ob/gyn. Clearly, they had no idea what to do with women who could not conceive. I was put through all the normal tests, diagnosed with PCOS (the real cause behind my erratic cycles, acne, and sudden weight issues that had never plagued me while on the pill and which, looking back, I could distinguish as a problem since I was 15), and put on metformin. It seems that PCOS also meant that I did not regularly ovulate---making pregnancy altogether unlikely without some medicated help. Based on this, the Dr prescribed 3 months of Clomid with TI (timed intercourse), unmonitored. It goes without saying, that we had no success.

After that, my ob/gyn really didn't know what to do with me, and upgraded to the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) at the Big City Hospital in our area. We were nervous, but also excited to meet with a specialist who wouldn't be so perplexed by my lack of fertility. I was made to go through more tests and consultations with the drs there, and again, it was recommended that I do 6 months of additional "natural" IUI (intra-uterine insemnination, aka the 'turkey baster method' -- but done naturally, with Timed Intercourse in place of the actual IUI procedure), which meant more Clomid--but this time with monitoring. For those unfamiliar with the world of RE, 'monitoring' loosely translates to early-morning appointments (requiring me to get up an hour and a half early so that I could be back to work on-time), vaginal ultrasounds (what I would soon refer to as my Electronic Lover) on specific days of your cycle to monitor the 'progress' of your follicles (which develop into eggs), unfeeling, power-hungry nurses, and distant, unfriendly ultrasound techs. There were the side-effects to deal with from the Clomid, too... I have never felt so uncontrollably emotional and on edge in my life. Poor DH! I can't say it was easy for him, either....all the hormone-induced emotional breakdowns, and the very unromantic scheduling of our formerly spontaneous love life.

Nothing came from our efforts with the Big City Hosptial RE in the end... 6 natural IUI's with Clomid and TI, and 2 real IUI's with femara (another form of Clomid). No luck.

Emotionally, the course of the year seems to bring a perfect dichotomy of feeling, between increased resignation & lessening hope of ever realizing our dreams of a family. After 8 months of such an emotional rollercoaster, and with the holidays looming, we decided to take a break, and all ourselves time to relax and regroup after the new year.

Facing no other options but IVF (in vitro fertilization, otherwise known as the 'petri dish' method), we knew we were facing the Big Time: IVF was the last-resort procedure on our journey to have biological children of our own, and came with a hefty price tag: $12-15k per round. We also knew that IVF wasn't a guarantee--the success rate, while drastically better than my chance of conception on my own, was still only 50-60%...which meant we would most likely need to save up enough for more than one round.

We'd heard of something called a "shared risk" program, and found that it was similar to 'infertility insurance' --- you put x amount of money down, and were guaranteed x number of IVF rounds. They even had a "refund guarantee" 'rider' that would give you 70+% of your money back if you didn't conceive and bear a child under the program.

The only thing was, Big City Hospital didn't offer such a program. To stick with them meant not only more of the same horrible patient-care and inconvenience of their location, but also greater expenses than what we would pay elsewhere.

That decided it for us. That brings us to this year, 2010.

This year, we transferred to a different RE, one that had received glowing reviews from other fertilely-challenged friends of mine. We love the new dr, love the staff, and have loved our experience thus far with them. Unfortunately, luck is still holding out on us. Our first round of IVF was a fantastic failure. Really. ... we never even made it to a transfer. I had 59 measurable follicles--- my ovaries were so enlarged that the U/S tech said they were the size of oranges, and TOUCHING even.. But something went wrong with our trigger shot, and my beautiful little follies never released any eggs. We left the Egg Retrieval devestated, never envisioning that we could face that sort of letdown at that stage in the game.

So now we're trying to heal - emotionally, as well as physically, for me -- so that we can put the past behind us, prepare for the next round of treatment, and ready ourselves to dare to hope yet again.

IVF was tough in many ways -- so structured. Two weeks of this shot every morning at 7 am. Then add another shot at 9 pm on top of that for an additional two weeks. Combine that with monitoring appointments (at the new RE's office super-close by, thank God), and it's pretty time-intensive. But surprisingly, it wasn't altogether terrible... If only the end result of round #1 had been different...

Today I find myself praying an unlikely prayer...for my period to make its' appearance. Until it does, I'm stuck--unable to move forward with another round of IVF, or make plans for trips, or move forward with life in general... thus we wait. As the song goes, "the waiting is the hardest part." Tom Petty definitely got that right. The waiting is the most excruciating part of this whole process. Of infertility in general. You wait for your next appointment...the next stage in the process...the results of your bloodwork. For your period to come, or to not come. You wait to get another chance at the whole game. It's psychological and emotional torture.

But it's not more than I can bear. God does promise not to give us more than we can bear, and He is not a man that He should lie. I continue to trust that He knows what He's doing with our lives--that His plan is so much better than we could ever imagine--and that He has not give us this desire to have a family in vain. I know that He will continue to go before us in all things, and will hold us together. He has blessed me with a husband more dear to me than life, two puppies that act as a balm to my soul, and with an amazing family and friends. In all these things, my cup runneth over. How can I not trust Him with whatever our future holds? He allows me the strength to hope that our dream of a family will one day be realized. And I cannot give up on hope. What would be the alternative? A life of despair? No thank you. I'll risk my heart first, and pray for God to look down on us in favor, and hear our prayers.

Today

2010-04-07T16:29:00.001-04:00

Today I've decided to be bold.

To throw off the cloak of reserve that is my normal mantle of comfort.

Today, I decided to take my journey through infertility public. ...To publish the ins-and-outs, ups-and-downs, fears-and-failures that has been our road thus far.

This is momentus for me; I am a private person. Talking about this, even to friends and family, has been difficult. There's no doubt that I am guilty of being too reserved, too reticent with my thoughts and feelings. No doubt I have remained guarded in a (vain) attempt at self-preservation.

BUT. What I have come to realize is that guarding this...issue, season, process, FACT about my life that I can no longer hide -- it really doesn't help. At ALL. In fact, I probably spend more time and have a higher anxiety level from not having shared it, or let others who share a similar pain speak into it and walk alongside me.

So today I choose to share, to lay bare my thoughts and feelings---ugly and painful as so many of them are. Forgive me my honesty; at times I know it will be brutal. Forgive me my flaws; I know they are many. Take me for what I am, and with a grain of salt -- I'm a work in progress, and Lord knows He's got lots of room for improvement. Seriously folks.

But for today...

Today I also choose to hope.