Tomorrow morning I have my 37 week appointment with Dr. N, and I am DYING to find out if I've progressed any. ...and trying not to get my hopes up if she tells me I haven't.
We're ready. -- Or rather, we think we're ready. DH is nervous as can be -- I think the reality and increasing proximity of my due date is really freaking him out...
Case in point - packing the hospital bags.
We had talked about needed to have bags packed for the hospital even prior to our 'babymoon' a few weeks ago... and you would think that last week's news from Dr. N would have jump-started that process.
Nope!
I brought it up that very evening, when we got home from work - need to get those bags packed!
I brought it up that Thursday - he assured me we'd tackle it Friday night.
Friday night came and went - we got home later than anticipated, and DH suggested we wait 'til Saturday when we'd have 'more time' and were better-rested.
Saturday came and went -- and while I did some pre-packing laundry to get ready for packing -- DH did everything he could to avoid it. ...He even started working on our tax return as his procrastination!
When we went to bed that evening, I cornered him on the issue -- and he admitted that the procrastination was all stemming from his nervousness about it all (L&D, bringing the baby home, my impending retirement from work--and the pressure that puts on HIM to provide for us), and that packing the hospital bag made it seem that much more imminent and real...so he'd been avoiding it.
But we know that God has, in all things, provided abundantly more than we've needed for each and every circumstance... and we know that He will continue to do so after I 'retire' from the working world. So I tried as best I could to comfort my hubby with reminders of how He's provided for us in the past... As to the nervousness about the baby's impending arrival -- I told him he's not the only one nervous about it (and also QUITE anxious for it to get here already!!). And while I know it will be tough and a major blur for a few (or more) weeks, I know we're ready for this.
We're practically there... the moment we've been praying for and dreaming of for almost 5 years now.
So we woke up Sunday morning, went to sunday school, and then skipped big church to come back home and pack our bags. They're now residing in the hallway upstairs, all set and ready to go.
Every time I see them, I get a little thrill down my spine. ...and I can't help but wonder when we'll need them.
I wake up most mornings with the same thought... will today be the day that Baby J makes her grand entrance? Will I get to meet my little one today?
Only God knows!
Hoping tomorrow's appointment brings good news --- and if not, that my walk with a good friend after work will get things moving!
Showing posts with label Dependence on God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dependence on God. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Whistle While You Work
I'm going to have to remind myself to do this in the coming weeks... anything to make it seem more manageable and less stressful!
Work these past two weeks has been very busy. And I realize that we're at the point of the year when it should be... I just didn't (and don't) feel very prepared for it to be already. I think maybe the PFH has thrown off my internal calendar - and definitely my 'groove' in working with gifts. I still feel like it should be September or something, with year-end busyness still several months away.
I am quite thankful, however, that I'm at this stage in pregnancy to handle it all, when energy is still high, I'm feeling good, and Little Miss's kicks aren't so very strong yet that they inflict pain or loss of breathe. :-)
People are starting to talk to me about babyshowers in early 2011, which is just so surreal. To be at a babyshower, thrown for a baby of mine... I was seriously losing all hope that that day would ever come.
I am definitely going to lose it when that day finally arrives. Guess I better warn the hosts to have plenty of Klee.nex on hand to stem the waterworks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On another note - the sunday school class at my church was covering the issue of pain and suffering over the past two weeks' classes. This was actually a topic that I'd requested last year that they speak on... how to deal with pain and suffering in our lives, and how not to take offense at God when we go through those times. We missed the first session of it, sadly, but were there for this sunday's session... and while it didn't cover everything I would have wanted to hear about (most likely what I missed from the previous sunday!), it was so very good, I thought I'd share a bit from it.
They reviewed the story in John 11 of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, when Lazarus falls sick and dies, and in the end is resurrected by Jesus. There's a passage of time in the story during which Lazarus was sick, declined rapidly, died, and then several days passed before Jesus' arrival to Mary & Martha's house. Knowing that he could have saved Lazarus, you can just imagine the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment that must have been brewing in Mary and Martha in the days before Jesus' arrival. In fact, you can hear it in the passive (yet very accusatory) tone of her first comment to him, when she says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
Kind of how I felt down in the miry pit of IF for so very long... bitter, hurt, angry, and resentful that I had to deal with IF at all...that God hadn't saved me from that, or that He hadn't yet chosen to bless me with a pregnancy, month after month after month. So completely bogged down by those thoughts and feelings that I was taking the absence of the response (read: pregnancy) that I wanted from Him as equating to abandonment by Him...
Which it was not.
It's funny though, Jesus' response to Mary's comment. He doesn't address her accusatory statment at all. He completely changed the subject by telling her who He was ("I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die."), and asking her if she believe this.
Now, my immediate reaction is that if this is what I heard as my only response when asking such a question of Jesus, I would be royally ticked. I mean, hello, do you not see my pain here? The bitterness? The anger and hurt? Why are you trying to avoid answering me?
I'm pretty sure those same thoughts were running through my brain (or shouted) over the course of many dark nights of the soul during our four years of trying...
But I think the point made in this story is that Jesus was trying to draw Mary out of her pit of despair -- bring her out to the light of day, beyond the overwhelming darkness and agony of her pain, and remind her of the truth.
The story of Lazarus is a story of deliverance. Deliverance of Lazarus from death. Deliverance of us all through Christ. Deliverance for all of us from our problems, if we just remind ourselves of His truths, and trust in Him.
--While this doesn't necessarily make the problems go away or resolve them, there's no doubt that we'd find more comfort and peace if we truly allowed ourselves to rest and trust in Him, than to cry and rage at things beyond our control.
I realize that it may seem quite easy to some of you for me to say this, now that I'm 'on the other side' and expecting. And while there may be some truth to that, I can tell you honestly that while this would be hard to hear and believe in during our TTC trial, I would have wanted it to be true--and in that wanting, would have found some relief and comfort.
One part that resonated so deeply in me with this story, that I had never picked up on before... I'm sure you've all heard that the shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept." This verse is in the Lazarus story - John 11:35. What struck me about it is that he wasn't weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. He was weeping because of the pain and heartache he witnessed on Mary's face.
That the Son of God, who knows the beginning, middle, and end of ALL of our stories, and who knew that Lazarus would be resurrected and restored to his sisters -- that the compassionate nature of our Father was reflected by his weeping with Mary, in witnessing her heartbreak, is incredible to me.
It makes me think back to all the times I sat and cried in the shower because I didn't want to upset DH anymore, or cried while walking the dogs alone, or in my car, or in the work bathrooms... the myriad of places where I have broken down and cried out my pain. That my Father in heaven would not only hear my cries and see my tears, but would cry with me.... I cannot explain how much that means to me, and how much that alone strengthens my faith.
I am so grateful for it. Without it, I don't know how I could have endured those 45 months.
Praying that you all have light and truth in your lives to hold on to when the going gets rough...
Work these past two weeks has been very busy. And I realize that we're at the point of the year when it should be... I just didn't (and don't) feel very prepared for it to be already. I think maybe the PFH has thrown off my internal calendar - and definitely my 'groove' in working with gifts. I still feel like it should be September or something, with year-end busyness still several months away.
I am quite thankful, however, that I'm at this stage in pregnancy to handle it all, when energy is still high, I'm feeling good, and Little Miss's kicks aren't so very strong yet that they inflict pain or loss of breathe. :-)
People are starting to talk to me about babyshowers in early 2011, which is just so surreal. To be at a babyshower, thrown for a baby of mine... I was seriously losing all hope that that day would ever come.
I am definitely going to lose it when that day finally arrives. Guess I better warn the hosts to have plenty of Klee.nex on hand to stem the waterworks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On another note - the sunday school class at my church was covering the issue of pain and suffering over the past two weeks' classes. This was actually a topic that I'd requested last year that they speak on... how to deal with pain and suffering in our lives, and how not to take offense at God when we go through those times. We missed the first session of it, sadly, but were there for this sunday's session... and while it didn't cover everything I would have wanted to hear about (most likely what I missed from the previous sunday!), it was so very good, I thought I'd share a bit from it.
They reviewed the story in John 11 of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, when Lazarus falls sick and dies, and in the end is resurrected by Jesus. There's a passage of time in the story during which Lazarus was sick, declined rapidly, died, and then several days passed before Jesus' arrival to Mary & Martha's house. Knowing that he could have saved Lazarus, you can just imagine the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment that must have been brewing in Mary and Martha in the days before Jesus' arrival. In fact, you can hear it in the passive (yet very accusatory) tone of her first comment to him, when she says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
Kind of how I felt down in the miry pit of IF for so very long... bitter, hurt, angry, and resentful that I had to deal with IF at all...that God hadn't saved me from that, or that He hadn't yet chosen to bless me with a pregnancy, month after month after month. So completely bogged down by those thoughts and feelings that I was taking the absence of the response (read: pregnancy) that I wanted from Him as equating to abandonment by Him...
Which it was not.
It's funny though, Jesus' response to Mary's comment. He doesn't address her accusatory statment at all. He completely changed the subject by telling her who He was ("I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die."), and asking her if she believe this.
Now, my immediate reaction is that if this is what I heard as my only response when asking such a question of Jesus, I would be royally ticked. I mean, hello, do you not see my pain here? The bitterness? The anger and hurt? Why are you trying to avoid answering me?
I'm pretty sure those same thoughts were running through my brain (or shouted) over the course of many dark nights of the soul during our four years of trying...
But I think the point made in this story is that Jesus was trying to draw Mary out of her pit of despair -- bring her out to the light of day, beyond the overwhelming darkness and agony of her pain, and remind her of the truth.
The story of Lazarus is a story of deliverance. Deliverance of Lazarus from death. Deliverance of us all through Christ. Deliverance for all of us from our problems, if we just remind ourselves of His truths, and trust in Him.
--While this doesn't necessarily make the problems go away or resolve them, there's no doubt that we'd find more comfort and peace if we truly allowed ourselves to rest and trust in Him, than to cry and rage at things beyond our control.
I realize that it may seem quite easy to some of you for me to say this, now that I'm 'on the other side' and expecting. And while there may be some truth to that, I can tell you honestly that while this would be hard to hear and believe in during our TTC trial, I would have wanted it to be true--and in that wanting, would have found some relief and comfort.
One part that resonated so deeply in me with this story, that I had never picked up on before... I'm sure you've all heard that the shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept." This verse is in the Lazarus story - John 11:35. What struck me about it is that he wasn't weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. He was weeping because of the pain and heartache he witnessed on Mary's face.
That the Son of God, who knows the beginning, middle, and end of ALL of our stories, and who knew that Lazarus would be resurrected and restored to his sisters -- that the compassionate nature of our Father was reflected by his weeping with Mary, in witnessing her heartbreak, is incredible to me.
It makes me think back to all the times I sat and cried in the shower because I didn't want to upset DH anymore, or cried while walking the dogs alone, or in my car, or in the work bathrooms... the myriad of places where I have broken down and cried out my pain. That my Father in heaven would not only hear my cries and see my tears, but would cry with me.... I cannot explain how much that means to me, and how much that alone strengthens my faith.
I am so grateful for it. Without it, I don't know how I could have endured those 45 months.
Praying that you all have light and truth in your lives to hold on to when the going gets rough...
Monday, August 30, 2010
From IF to When
Last week, at our monthly staff meeting, I was sitting beside one of my coworkers, D, with whom I have a pretty good relationship… she and I have worked closely together in the past, and at several periods over the past 4 years, have been running/walking partners after work. –Thus, ample time to share what is on our hearts, both work-related and personal. D is also 4 or 5 years older than me (35 or 36 I think?) and single…not happy about it, but pretty apathetic about it.
Needless to say, the great majority of our “personal” time has been sharing the vast, aching voids we’ve been dealing with in our respective lives – she with desiring to find Mr. Right and be married; me, with desiring a baby.
So we’re sitting there, getting ready for the staff meeting to start, when she leans in and says, “So! I hear that M. is pregnant again,” giving me this long, knowing look.
M. – the only other girl in my department “of child-bearing age.” I may have already mentioned to you that she’s currently expecting her 2nd baby…and she’s due exactly two weeks before my own due date in March.
I met D’s glance, reading the sympathy in her gaze, and said, “I know – can you believe it? There has been so many this past year!” …Literally, we’ve had seven women have babies in the past year… SEVEN. For a company with only 80 employees—all of which are NOT women---that’s a lot. Almost 20% of our entire female workforce here.
Then she said something that took me entirely by surprise.
“I cried when I found out.”
I was dumbfounded… completely flabbergasted by her confession… heartbroken for her pain, for the fact that she’d never voiced that desire to me before. Up ‘til that moment, I’d had no idea that my friend was harboring that longing or enduring that pain – and had been, most likely for every step of my own journey with IF.
It was all I could do to not throw my arms around her and cry with her, right there in the meeting.
- - - - - - - - -
Long after the meeting was adjourned and everyone had gone back to work, I thought about her confession. ...Even now, it still weighs on me.
I hurt for her…
Knowing that she’s been enduring this pain and longing so silently for all this time.
Knowing how she thinks, wondering if she’s been hiding it for so long because of some inane thought that her longing for a baby was less important or less reasonable, in her single state.
Knowing that as painful as it’s been for me to see all these women having babies around us, that it’s been just as painful for her...and wondering how much more pain she’s inflicted on herself in the hiding of it.
- - - - - - - - -
Fast-forward to last night. I was cuddling next to DH in bed, ready to go to sleep. I asked, “Can you believe we’re almost 12 weeks pregnant??” (I am still pinching myself every day, asking if it’s real)
He just looked at me and said yes, he could… and that he’d never doubted whether we’d get pregnant or not. That it was only a matter of when, not if.
I know there were days/weeks/months of my IF journey when I could not FORCE myself to have hope. When the sheer thought of us one day getting pregnant/having a baby seemed like some sort of cosmic joke by God, laughing in the face of our repeated failures. When all I wanted to do was stay in my bed, curl up under the covers, and shut out life.
But even through the worst of days, some deep part of me could not let go of it. Of faith, of hope… of believing that this would all somehow work out, and we’d one day be a family.
Shortly into our TTC journey, I came across a magnet in some arts-and-crafts store that I immediately bought and put on our fridge at home, as a daily reminder… Believe.
Sometimes you just have to believe that things will get better. That one day, your world will not be consumed by this trial… that good things will come your way, despite the current outlook. That in the end, you will actually be alright…and possibly even stronger/better than you were.
For me, I also had to believe that God is, in fact, good… and not just when things are going my way. He is, in fact, good, even when my life seems crappy and I’m not getting straight answers to my prayers/pleadings.
God is also sovereign – He’s in complete control of what is going on in my life, even when it seems like He’s not, or when I can’t understand why things are going the way they are.
God is God, after all– not man – and therefore, I can’t expect to understand His ways… so to try and analyze why I’ve been subjected to this or what He’s doing, etc., is utterly futile… until I stand before Him in heaven, it will remain a mystery to me.
For me, I found solace, hope, and renewed faith in these scripture. Even on the worst of days, when doubt and hopelessness prevailed in my spirit, the truth of these scripture must have sunk deeply into the recesses of my subconcious, because they kept coming back to me, comforting me when I most needed it.
“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 9:10
“He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together.” Colossian 1:17
“God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change His mind. Does He speak, and then not act? Does He promise, and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:22
“…Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23b
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24
“Be strong and take heart, all you who trust in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24
“But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear (worship) Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.” Psalm 33:18
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.” Psalm 62:5
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
“Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those whose hope is in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31
“Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” Lamentations 3:21-26
For D, I truly wish I could impart to her how much hope I have for her situation…how strongly I believe that it will not always be as it is now.
How I hope she can stop focusing on the if of her situation, and start believing more in the when.
Needless to say, the great majority of our “personal” time has been sharing the vast, aching voids we’ve been dealing with in our respective lives – she with desiring to find Mr. Right and be married; me, with desiring a baby.
So we’re sitting there, getting ready for the staff meeting to start, when she leans in and says, “So! I hear that M. is pregnant again,” giving me this long, knowing look.
M. – the only other girl in my department “of child-bearing age.” I may have already mentioned to you that she’s currently expecting her 2nd baby…and she’s due exactly two weeks before my own due date in March.
I met D’s glance, reading the sympathy in her gaze, and said, “I know – can you believe it? There has been so many this past year!” …Literally, we’ve had seven women have babies in the past year… SEVEN. For a company with only 80 employees—all of which are NOT women---that’s a lot. Almost 20% of our entire female workforce here.
Then she said something that took me entirely by surprise.
“I cried when I found out.”
I was dumbfounded… completely flabbergasted by her confession… heartbroken for her pain, for the fact that she’d never voiced that desire to me before. Up ‘til that moment, I’d had no idea that my friend was harboring that longing or enduring that pain – and had been, most likely for every step of my own journey with IF.
It was all I could do to not throw my arms around her and cry with her, right there in the meeting.
- - - - - - - - -
Long after the meeting was adjourned and everyone had gone back to work, I thought about her confession. ...Even now, it still weighs on me.
I hurt for her…
Knowing that she’s been enduring this pain and longing so silently for all this time.
Knowing how she thinks, wondering if she’s been hiding it for so long because of some inane thought that her longing for a baby was less important or less reasonable, in her single state.
Knowing that as painful as it’s been for me to see all these women having babies around us, that it’s been just as painful for her...and wondering how much more pain she’s inflicted on herself in the hiding of it.
- - - - - - - - -
Fast-forward to last night. I was cuddling next to DH in bed, ready to go to sleep. I asked, “Can you believe we’re almost 12 weeks pregnant??” (I am still pinching myself every day, asking if it’s real)
He just looked at me and said yes, he could… and that he’d never doubted whether we’d get pregnant or not. That it was only a matter of when, not if.
I know there were days/weeks/months of my IF journey when I could not FORCE myself to have hope. When the sheer thought of us one day getting pregnant/having a baby seemed like some sort of cosmic joke by God, laughing in the face of our repeated failures. When all I wanted to do was stay in my bed, curl up under the covers, and shut out life.
But even through the worst of days, some deep part of me could not let go of it. Of faith, of hope… of believing that this would all somehow work out, and we’d one day be a family.
Shortly into our TTC journey, I came across a magnet in some arts-and-crafts store that I immediately bought and put on our fridge at home, as a daily reminder… Believe.
Sometimes you just have to believe that things will get better. That one day, your world will not be consumed by this trial… that good things will come your way, despite the current outlook. That in the end, you will actually be alright…and possibly even stronger/better than you were.
For me, I also had to believe that God is, in fact, good… and not just when things are going my way. He is, in fact, good, even when my life seems crappy and I’m not getting straight answers to my prayers/pleadings.
God is also sovereign – He’s in complete control of what is going on in my life, even when it seems like He’s not, or when I can’t understand why things are going the way they are.
God is God, after all– not man – and therefore, I can’t expect to understand His ways… so to try and analyze why I’ve been subjected to this or what He’s doing, etc., is utterly futile… until I stand before Him in heaven, it will remain a mystery to me.
For me, I found solace, hope, and renewed faith in these scripture. Even on the worst of days, when doubt and hopelessness prevailed in my spirit, the truth of these scripture must have sunk deeply into the recesses of my subconcious, because they kept coming back to me, comforting me when I most needed it.
“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 9:10
“He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together.” Colossian 1:17
“God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change His mind. Does He speak, and then not act? Does He promise, and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:22
“…Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23b
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24
“Be strong and take heart, all you who trust in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24
“But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear (worship) Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.” Psalm 33:18
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.” Psalm 62:5
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
“Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those whose hope is in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31
“Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” Lamentations 3:21-26
For D, I truly wish I could impart to her how much hope I have for her situation…how strongly I believe that it will not always be as it is now.
How I hope she can stop focusing on the if of her situation, and start believing more in the when.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Hope & Acceptance
Just read this on another IF blog (which I would link to, if I knew anything at all about blogging!...another lesson for another day though). It resonated so deeply with me that I wanted to repost it here:
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
author unknown
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."
author unknown
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Resting
A sweet friend of mine, a fellow IFer, gave me a devotional book for my birthday this year... Yesterday's message really resonated with me, for obvious reasons. The devotion reads as if it is God speaking directly to you, and then gives supporting scriptural references...I love it. Here it is:
Scripture references: John 15:5 II Corinthians 1:8-9 Ephesians 5:20
To me, those scripture references seem lacking somehow... I would have paired the devotional with the following verse:
James 1:2-8, 12
This has long been one of my favorite verses of scripture, and one that infertility makes quite relevant to me. Although I can't honestly say that I count my infertility pure joy--or my dr visits, or my injections, or my meltdowns---I can say that I know that He is working in me through this.
It's not fun, it's not easy, and it's most often painful on many different levels. But I know that He is bringing me on my knees through this...
I can either wear myself out with vain attempts to 'control' things in my life, OR... I can rest in my dependence on the One Who Controls It All.
Ummm, yeah. I think I'll rest.
Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.
When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.
Scripture references: John 15:5 II Corinthians 1:8-9 Ephesians 5:20
To me, those scripture references seem lacking somehow... I would have paired the devotional with the following verse:
James 1:2-8, 12
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.... Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
This has long been one of my favorite verses of scripture, and one that infertility makes quite relevant to me. Although I can't honestly say that I count my infertility pure joy--or my dr visits, or my injections, or my meltdowns---I can say that I know that He is working in me through this.
It's not fun, it's not easy, and it's most often painful on many different levels. But I know that He is bringing me on my knees through this...
I can either wear myself out with vain attempts to 'control' things in my life, OR... I can rest in my dependence on the One Who Controls It All.
Ummm, yeah. I think I'll rest.
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