The decision has been made, and the boss and HR informed -- I will be staying home after my 12 weeks of FMLA are over.
Even though this was what my heart has been leaning toward all along, it was still quite difficult to actually say the words out loud.
...Didn't help the situation any that my boss has been making random comments vascillating between "when your leave is over/when you're back" and "you're going to love being home/we're really going to miss you" -- leaving me wondering what they're thinking? Did I even need to make it a formal statement, or did they already assume I'd stay home??
But in the end, I confirmed with my boss that I would, indeed, be choosing to stay home with Baby J.
...It's a scary statement to make these days, given the present economy and all... who in their right minds walks away from a good job, working with great people, and good benefits??
So I am just trusting in God's leading, that this IS the right decision for me and for our family...and praying that I don't end up going stir-crazy -- like my sister did when she was at home (her hubby ended up making her go back into the working world, just because they couldn't afford to keep paying for all her new house 'projects.' Poor guy would come home from work to find a wall taken down, or their bed thrown away!)
The next few weeks are likely to be tough at work, too. They've started the process of looking for my replacement, and we have 5 internal candidates to interview early next week... one of them being my assistant.
Don't get me wrong -- my assistant is wonderful, and has made life in my dept these past 2 years SO much smoother and easier. But she's not the right person for my job. Her personality and the way she handles stress and conflict would just not mesh well with it at all... nor do I think she'd be happy doing it in the long run. --Happy with the increased pay, maybe, but not the job itself.
At my work, they make you take these online 'profiles' that determine whether you would be a match to a certain job position or not... and typically won't interview any candidates with less than a 70% match to the job.
However, in my assistant's case, they're making an exception. Her profile was not a match for the job - not by a significant amount - but they've decided to let her interview anyways, since she 'stood in the gap' for me and my basic job responsibilities last year during our Project From Hell. They say she's earned the right to an interview.
While I don't disagree that she's earned that right - I do wonder if that's giving her false hope, and setting me (and my boss) up for a harder time later, when she doesn't get the role. She's already made comments to others on how she considers herself already trained to do my job, and that it would 'annoy her to train someone else to be her boss.' ...NOT a good sign... Although she did cover the basics, and did a fairly good job of it -- she didn't take care of everything that falls under the scope of my total job, nor did everything she handled during my absence get done 100% correctly... not an easy thing to address with someone after-the-fact, and without coming across as a horrid micro-manager with a laundry-list of wrong-doings to pin on their employee.
Since her profile is so very much mismatched to the job, I know they wouldn't really consider her as a candidate beyond the first interview... which just seems so cruel. Wouldn't it be better to be told that a computer claims you're not a match for a role (less personal), than to get to interview for the job, and then be rejected?? I just feel like she'll take it so much harder after the interview.
Selfishly, I also worry about the stress or tension that will play out once she's been rejected... it's not going to be fun. She's much more on the dramatic/emotional side anyways, so I'm already anticipating the depth of anger/resentment/guilt-inflicting looks or comments/bitterness that may crop up from all this. ---Not to mention, how she'll adjust to whoever will be her new manager!
For myself, I'm praying for this process to go quickly, and be as painless and drama-free as possible... and for my department, I'm praying that God will prepare the heart of both my assistant, and my replacement, for one another -- to accept them with an open heart, no matter how this plays out.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thirty Days and Counting...
So in the next 4 weeks (give or take one), we're going to be leaving a hospital with a teeny tiny baby girl... and life as we've known it will never be the same.
This is all starting to feel very, very real.
As in a, wow-oh-my-gosh-am-I-ready-no-help-we're-not-ready-yet sort of way.
Since my last post, we've had our 4 baby showers, and baby things have now taken over our house. ...Mostly in the form of pink clothing, but thankfully not all of it!
I've done four loads of baby-specific laundry.... and pulling out one teeny-tiny outfit after another doesn't seem to lessen the shock of how very small this little one may be.
The baby's room is set up - furniture in place, bedding washed and on the bed, clothes and blankets and bibs and socks and sleepers either folded and in drawers or hung up, all just waiting to be used.
Only a few things left to purchase from our registries -- and thanks to an overabundance of newborn clothes and duplicate books/other items, we have a good bit of store credit to use towards fulfilling the 'basics' we still need. (DH is pretty darn excited about that!)
The baby showers were absolutely beautiful, each one. It was fun to see the different groups of people at each, and of course everyone was overwhelmingly generous and so thoughtful in how each one was planned, decorated, presented. But they were also hard, in a way. Even though it's an amazing feeling to finally be at a baby shower thrown for your own baby -- it doesn't lessen the strange feeling over being at a baby shower--even one you've looked forward to!--after having avoided them or suffered through so many for so long. That's a weird transition. I also don't relish being the center of attention -- so just having that many people eyeing me all at once was a tad disconcerting!
I almost made it through all four with no crying... almost.
But in the end, I am blessed with beautiful memories of each - and DH, Baby J, and I are most definitely blessed by the love and generosity of so many friends and family.
Last weekend we took our 'babymoon' trip down to Seagrove Beach, FL - so nice to get away for a few days! We both took off Thursday and Friday to make it a good long weekend trip and man, was it. We did a whole lotta nothing... which was absolutely fine in my book. Every day we'd walk on the beach for a few hours after breakfast, then go explore the area - either Seaside, which we could walk into, or another local beach town within a short drive of Seagrove. Then we'd have lunch wherever we were, head back to the beach cottage for a short rest (or more Sportscenter, as in the case of DH), and then hit the beach again around 4 or 5 to watch the sun go down and walk more. Every night we tried a different local restaurant - which is always fun in my book. Then we'd stop and get a dollar movie from Redbox and call it an evening. (Note to self - never subject yourself to "The Other Guys" again - it was awful! and move "Red" up in your queue)
We lucked into sunny weather while there, but sadly, it wasn't terribly warm... it was mostly in the low-to-mid 50's during the day, and 30's at night. But at least a) that gave me an additional excuse to avoid any sort of bathing suit experience at 35 weeks, and b) we never really got sweaty during all our beach walking! So there were definitely some good advantages to the cool weather. ..That, and I could cuddle up more to the hubby. Always a plus!
As of Saturday, I'll be 36 weeks and officially in the 'no travel' zone... craziness. This pregnancy has just been flying by for me. ...Which means I need to get a move on getting everything else set up or put away and organized! (yikes) Before I know it, she'll be here!
Body-wise, I am definitely feeling very pregnant these days. Big, uncomfortable, easily flushed and hot, and starting to notice slight swelling in my hands, legs & feet. Even a slight spreading of my feet, which I'd long been praying to avoid (please don't be permanent! I love my fun heels and all my boots!!) The pregnancy waddle is definitely unavoidable now, for which DH gets endless entertainment -- that, and the sound of my groaning as I try to roll from one side to the other during the night... not an easy task, at this point. Braxton-Hicks are becoming a companion to any form of activity - even just walking up the stairs, or from my desk to the restroom at work.
But despite it all, I am grateful for every single second of discomfort. I am just so grateful to be here - to be carrying Little Miss - and to be this close to meeting our little girl.
The next 30 days can't pass quickly enough!
This is all starting to feel very, very real.
As in a, wow-oh-my-gosh-am-I-ready-no-help-we're-not-ready-yet sort of way.
Since my last post, we've had our 4 baby showers, and baby things have now taken over our house. ...Mostly in the form of pink clothing, but thankfully not all of it!
I've done four loads of baby-specific laundry.... and pulling out one teeny-tiny outfit after another doesn't seem to lessen the shock of how very small this little one may be.
The baby's room is set up - furniture in place, bedding washed and on the bed, clothes and blankets and bibs and socks and sleepers either folded and in drawers or hung up, all just waiting to be used.
Only a few things left to purchase from our registries -- and thanks to an overabundance of newborn clothes and duplicate books/other items, we have a good bit of store credit to use towards fulfilling the 'basics' we still need. (DH is pretty darn excited about that!)
The baby showers were absolutely beautiful, each one. It was fun to see the different groups of people at each, and of course everyone was overwhelmingly generous and so thoughtful in how each one was planned, decorated, presented. But they were also hard, in a way. Even though it's an amazing feeling to finally be at a baby shower thrown for your own baby -- it doesn't lessen the strange feeling over being at a baby shower--even one you've looked forward to!--after having avoided them or suffered through so many for so long. That's a weird transition. I also don't relish being the center of attention -- so just having that many people eyeing me all at once was a tad disconcerting!
I almost made it through all four with no crying... almost.
But in the end, I am blessed with beautiful memories of each - and DH, Baby J, and I are most definitely blessed by the love and generosity of so many friends and family.
Last weekend we took our 'babymoon' trip down to Seagrove Beach, FL - so nice to get away for a few days! We both took off Thursday and Friday to make it a good long weekend trip and man, was it. We did a whole lotta nothing... which was absolutely fine in my book. Every day we'd walk on the beach for a few hours after breakfast, then go explore the area - either Seaside, which we could walk into, or another local beach town within a short drive of Seagrove. Then we'd have lunch wherever we were, head back to the beach cottage for a short rest (or more Sportscenter, as in the case of DH), and then hit the beach again around 4 or 5 to watch the sun go down and walk more. Every night we tried a different local restaurant - which is always fun in my book. Then we'd stop and get a dollar movie from Redbox and call it an evening. (Note to self - never subject yourself to "The Other Guys" again - it was awful! and move "Red" up in your queue)
We lucked into sunny weather while there, but sadly, it wasn't terribly warm... it was mostly in the low-to-mid 50's during the day, and 30's at night. But at least a) that gave me an additional excuse to avoid any sort of bathing suit experience at 35 weeks, and b) we never really got sweaty during all our beach walking! So there were definitely some good advantages to the cool weather. ..That, and I could cuddle up more to the hubby. Always a plus!
As of Saturday, I'll be 36 weeks and officially in the 'no travel' zone... craziness. This pregnancy has just been flying by for me. ...Which means I need to get a move on getting everything else set up or put away and organized! (yikes) Before I know it, she'll be here!
Body-wise, I am definitely feeling very pregnant these days. Big, uncomfortable, easily flushed and hot, and starting to notice slight swelling in my hands, legs & feet. Even a slight spreading of my feet, which I'd long been praying to avoid (please don't be permanent! I love my fun heels and all my boots!!) The pregnancy waddle is definitely unavoidable now, for which DH gets endless entertainment -- that, and the sound of my groaning as I try to roll from one side to the other during the night... not an easy task, at this point. Braxton-Hicks are becoming a companion to any form of activity - even just walking up the stairs, or from my desk to the restroom at work.
But despite it all, I am grateful for every single second of discomfort. I am just so grateful to be here - to be carrying Little Miss - and to be this close to meeting our little girl.
The next 30 days can't pass quickly enough!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Snow Daze
Snow Day #4 here in the suburbs of Atlanta, GA... restlessness is setting in, and our store of food is quickly dwindling. The fact that I can easily walk into the kitchen to grab a snack every hour and a half, isn't helping!
Here's a great pictorial of a southerner's mentality regarding snow, as shared by one of my co-workers:
It really wasn't so bad in the first 2 days... I was still able to get outside and walk the dogs with DH, and felt relaxed and happy getting to work from the comfort of my couch, still in my pj's all day. Rolling out of bed at 9 and not worrying about getting ready, the commute, etc., is certainly nothing to complain about!
The ice that set in Tuesday night, however, has really made me start to feel more 'stuck.' I tried walking the dogs with DH yesterday, but after I'd gingerly made it 4 driveways down the road, DH suggested that I turn back, worried that there might be too much ice and not enough slush or powder left for me to retain good footing on the walk. And let's face it -- our dogs don't exactly pay attention to my pleas to be well-behaved and not pull their mommy when they get excited. They're only 35 lbs each -- but that's more than enough to throw me off balance if they decided to start pulling suddenly.
Observations on Day 4 of Snow in GA:
- Daytime TV really is abysmal.
- There's only so much soup you can eat during cold weather... DH keep saying he's going through chewing withdrawals.
- On the other hand --Soup is so stinkin' easy to make, and so good... other things seems so much more complicated to make. Or maybe it's that I don't have enough 'one-and-done' meal options in my repetoire?
- I keep telling myself today's the day I'm going to try out that "perfect preg.nancy" video I got for Christmas... and then I go back, sit on the couch, and watch more trash tv.
- People in the south really don't know how to drive when there's any sort of precipitation falling from the sky or stuck on the ground. All traffic laws and standards are immediately cast aside for a 'whatever works for me' mentality... so drivers beware!
- I would love to paint my toenails, but am not sure I can bend over to reach them, for that length of time anymore... (how pathetic is that??)
- Baking sounds really appealing to me right now... but I can't find any recipes that don't call for eggs, which we're out of already.
- My dogs sleep all stinkin' day! No wonder they're usually maniacs by the time we get home from work at night... lazy bums.
- On a positive note, day #4 of procrastination on housecleaning is going QUITE well... thanks to crap daytime tv.
Honestly, it hasn't been entirely bad. Being home more than usual has allowed DH and I to make great strides in cleaning out closets, organizing, storing things in the basement, and switching around some of the furniture in anticipation of setting up nursery upstairs. He even got REALLY motivated yesterday, and ended up removing the old rod/shelf in the closet, and started trimming out the room in the new paint color. ...So progress is being made! --By him, anyways.
Now if I could just kick myself into high gear.
This weekend is our first baby shower (gah!) in Nashville. Praying for clear roads, and no icy remnants through the mountains near Chattanooga! Also praying that I get through it without any breakdowns. I get teary even thinking of being at a shower that's being thrown in honor of a baby of our own... being there is going to be surreal.
But I am quite excited. Just need to figure out good hostess gifts - and quickly. My plan of using lunchbreaks these past few days to run over to the mall and pick out something for the hosts have been completely foiled...now I just have tomorrow to find something perfect for each of the 3 hostesses.
Any ideas from the peanut gallery? Here's to successful shopping!
Here's a great pictorial of a southerner's mentality regarding snow, as shared by one of my co-workers:
It really wasn't so bad in the first 2 days... I was still able to get outside and walk the dogs with DH, and felt relaxed and happy getting to work from the comfort of my couch, still in my pj's all day. Rolling out of bed at 9 and not worrying about getting ready, the commute, etc., is certainly nothing to complain about!
The ice that set in Tuesday night, however, has really made me start to feel more 'stuck.' I tried walking the dogs with DH yesterday, but after I'd gingerly made it 4 driveways down the road, DH suggested that I turn back, worried that there might be too much ice and not enough slush or powder left for me to retain good footing on the walk. And let's face it -- our dogs don't exactly pay attention to my pleas to be well-behaved and not pull their mommy when they get excited. They're only 35 lbs each -- but that's more than enough to throw me off balance if they decided to start pulling suddenly.
Observations on Day 4 of Snow in GA:
- Daytime TV really is abysmal.
- There's only so much soup you can eat during cold weather... DH keep saying he's going through chewing withdrawals.
- On the other hand --Soup is so stinkin' easy to make, and so good... other things seems so much more complicated to make. Or maybe it's that I don't have enough 'one-and-done' meal options in my repetoire?
- I keep telling myself today's the day I'm going to try out that "perfect preg.nancy" video I got for Christmas... and then I go back, sit on the couch, and watch more trash tv.
- People in the south really don't know how to drive when there's any sort of precipitation falling from the sky or stuck on the ground. All traffic laws and standards are immediately cast aside for a 'whatever works for me' mentality... so drivers beware!
- I would love to paint my toenails, but am not sure I can bend over to reach them, for that length of time anymore... (how pathetic is that??)
- Baking sounds really appealing to me right now... but I can't find any recipes that don't call for eggs, which we're out of already.
- My dogs sleep all stinkin' day! No wonder they're usually maniacs by the time we get home from work at night... lazy bums.
- On a positive note, day #4 of procrastination on housecleaning is going QUITE well... thanks to crap daytime tv.
Honestly, it hasn't been entirely bad. Being home more than usual has allowed DH and I to make great strides in cleaning out closets, organizing, storing things in the basement, and switching around some of the furniture in anticipation of setting up nursery upstairs. He even got REALLY motivated yesterday, and ended up removing the old rod/shelf in the closet, and started trimming out the room in the new paint color. ...So progress is being made! --By him, anyways.
Now if I could just kick myself into high gear.
This weekend is our first baby shower (gah!) in Nashville. Praying for clear roads, and no icy remnants through the mountains near Chattanooga! Also praying that I get through it without any breakdowns. I get teary even thinking of being at a shower that's being thrown in honor of a baby of our own... being there is going to be surreal.
But I am quite excited. Just need to figure out good hostess gifts - and quickly. My plan of using lunchbreaks these past few days to run over to the mall and pick out something for the hosts have been completely foiled...now I just have tomorrow to find something perfect for each of the 3 hostesses.
Any ideas from the peanut gallery? Here's to successful shopping!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Looking Ahead
Man, I'm a slacker! Not a single post since before Thanksgiving -- ay de mi! My apologies to the blogging community for such outright negligence. Hope you'll forgive me.
So what have the last few months looked like in my world? Here's a quick rundown:
Thanksgiving: Made the trek from Atlanta to Memphis with our two dogs for Turkey Day with my entire extended family. It was wonderful -- up until the point that DH and I came down with my niece & nephew's stomach bug they'd caught at school. Thankfully, we'd traveled home on Saturday and woke up with it on Sunday -- so at least we were in the comfort of our own home while sick. Two and a half days of sickness definitely ensured that I didn't gain any 'excess holiday weight' for my next OB appointment though!
December:
My friend A got married on the 4th. It was beautiful... an intimate service with about 25 guests, at a quaint little stone church in town. The only unexpected (and thus bad) surprise was that my dress - which I'd bought a mere 4 weeks before the event--fit quite differently on the wedding day than when I'd bought it. ...while I had anticipated a bigger belly to fill out the front, I had NOT anticipated that my girls would also increased in size...and thus ended up on greater display than previously imagined. Let's just say that I wore a wrap for the remainder of the night, post-wedding service.
The next weekend, the 11th, was the weekend my friend G was supposed to get married. I continue to call and email, but with no response. My heart still hurts so much for her, and for the pain and disappointment she must be going through right now. Still praying that she'll decide to let me in a little, and respond to one of my attempts at communication...
My hairdresser decided to retire and move to Peachtree City (about an hour south of Atlanta -- which would be about 1.5 hours+ south of where we live)... I am devestated. She was a curly hair genius, and so very sweet. She, too, had struggled with IF to get pregnant, had suffered a miscarriage in her 2nd trimester, and then thankfully went on to carry her sweet and healthy son to full term... so she and i had lots to share with each other when we'd meet for haircuts. I am going to miss her friendship and presence greatly-- AND her magical touch with my wayward curls.
The rest of Christmas was a blur of work... I tried to honor the dr's wishes and not work beyond 10 hours a day, but in the thick of our busiest time of year, it was hard to do. Thanks to having an extra temp around the office (thank you Lord!), the longest I would go was 12 hours... then I'd head home, sit like a zombie on the couch for an hour, and hit the sack.
Worst of all was the fact that I caught some sort of cold on the 21st, and it just kept dragging on and morphing into something worse. I had it through Christmas (a lovely 4 day reprieve from work, spent at my in-law's -- and the first white christmas Atl has seen in 120-odd years!), and it just kept hanging on through New Year's. That weekend I was so miserable that DH woke up to me crying in bed.. I was so over being sick, and my cough kept me up and not able to breathe that well, that I hadn't slept well in days... topping it off with being pregnant, not being able to get comfortable, and not being able to take anything to knock out the cold, and I was at the end of my rope. Needless to say, after that night, I showed up bright and early at the dr's office on Monday morning, and they were able to give me an antibiotic for my cold-morphed-sinus infection/ear infection. Sweet relief!
NYE itself wasn't too bad. I had to work 'til 8 -- which is rather early, in comparison to years' past. Then I drove home to a clean house and got ready to have a few friends over to celebrate the New Year. It was nice, small, and not too rowdy -- which is exactly what I needed.
It's hard to believe that 2011 is here... and that I will be meeting my Little Miss in just 10 short weeks. Looking back at 2010, it's amazing to me to look back on all that we went through, and where God has us now.
At the outset of 2010, we were feeling hopeful to begin our first round of IVF...only to have a rough first start with meds in February and have to stop... then our abismal failure of round #1 in April... and to have to convince ourselves to move foward and maintain hope (and not get our hopes up) for our (blessedly successful) round #2 in June.
Then, miracle of all miracles, we found ourselves with a positive pregnancy in July... and our hopes and fears suddenly took on a different tone and meaning. We found ourselves in unchartered territory. I'd spent 44 months reading up on IF and how to GET pregnant. I knew nothing about being pregnant, or what to expect, what to look for in terms of warning signs if something went wrong, what I should/shouldn't do/eat, whatever. I was so anxious about Baby J, and whether or not she would make it through the first trimester, then through 24 weeks (point of viability).
Here in 2011, I find myself still praying for her continued health and growth... that she develop and grow as she should for the next 10 weeks. That the birth go well and there not be any medical issues for little miss. That she be born healthy and strong... and a good sleeper (please God!).
One of my favorite verses in the bible is Colossians 1:17, which says "He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together."
To me, it is a true reflection of life. He goes before me, and is always there, paving our way. We may not understand (or appreciate!) His timing with how life goes, or why it takes so long for some prayers to be answered, but I have no doubt that in the end, "in Him, all things hold together." He held me together for those 44 months of desperate cries and pleadings for a baby. He held me together on those days when I couldn't help but cry in the bathroom at work, or while walking the dogs, or when I was hiding my tears from DH in the shower. He held me together when I was overwhelmed with anger and bitterness and resentment at our situation, with even having to deal with IF at all -- and feeling so entitled to kids, compared to others that I saw around me that seemingly got knocked up just by thinking of se.x.
He held me together when our first round of IVF failed, and I wasn't sure I could take the pain of IF and treatments and the unfairness of our situation any longer. He held me together when I was petrified of starting round #2, for fear of similar failures awaiting us.
He held me together when I dared to allow hope to take root in my heart, despite the cost I knew I would pay, if it should all go awry. He held me together when we made it through our ER successfully, then our ET... and with our positive beta test.
He's held me through every step in these last 30 weeks of pregnancy... and I have no doubt that whatever 2011 has to bring (and beyond), that He will continue to hold us together through it all.
Blessings come in all shapes and sizes, and while none of us would ever wish for blessings to come in the form of struggles or misfortunes, I know that God has blessed us greatly through our struggles with IF, and our failures and trials over the course of 2010 (and prior). And as painful as they were, I would not trade them for anything. They have brought us to where we are today, and as I sit here and consider all that we have to anticipate in 2011, we are richly blessed, indeed.
So what have the last few months looked like in my world? Here's a quick rundown:
Thanksgiving: Made the trek from Atlanta to Memphis with our two dogs for Turkey Day with my entire extended family. It was wonderful -- up until the point that DH and I came down with my niece & nephew's stomach bug they'd caught at school. Thankfully, we'd traveled home on Saturday and woke up with it on Sunday -- so at least we were in the comfort of our own home while sick. Two and a half days of sickness definitely ensured that I didn't gain any 'excess holiday weight' for my next OB appointment though!
December:
My friend A got married on the 4th. It was beautiful... an intimate service with about 25 guests, at a quaint little stone church in town. The only unexpected (and thus bad) surprise was that my dress - which I'd bought a mere 4 weeks before the event--fit quite differently on the wedding day than when I'd bought it. ...while I had anticipated a bigger belly to fill out the front, I had NOT anticipated that my girls would also increased in size...and thus ended up on greater display than previously imagined. Let's just say that I wore a wrap for the remainder of the night, post-wedding service.
The next weekend, the 11th, was the weekend my friend G was supposed to get married. I continue to call and email, but with no response. My heart still hurts so much for her, and for the pain and disappointment she must be going through right now. Still praying that she'll decide to let me in a little, and respond to one of my attempts at communication...
My hairdresser decided to retire and move to Peachtree City (about an hour south of Atlanta -- which would be about 1.5 hours+ south of where we live)... I am devestated. She was a curly hair genius, and so very sweet. She, too, had struggled with IF to get pregnant, had suffered a miscarriage in her 2nd trimester, and then thankfully went on to carry her sweet and healthy son to full term... so she and i had lots to share with each other when we'd meet for haircuts. I am going to miss her friendship and presence greatly-- AND her magical touch with my wayward curls.
The rest of Christmas was a blur of work... I tried to honor the dr's wishes and not work beyond 10 hours a day, but in the thick of our busiest time of year, it was hard to do. Thanks to having an extra temp around the office (thank you Lord!), the longest I would go was 12 hours... then I'd head home, sit like a zombie on the couch for an hour, and hit the sack.
Worst of all was the fact that I caught some sort of cold on the 21st, and it just kept dragging on and morphing into something worse. I had it through Christmas (a lovely 4 day reprieve from work, spent at my in-law's -- and the first white christmas Atl has seen in 120-odd years!), and it just kept hanging on through New Year's. That weekend I was so miserable that DH woke up to me crying in bed.. I was so over being sick, and my cough kept me up and not able to breathe that well, that I hadn't slept well in days... topping it off with being pregnant, not being able to get comfortable, and not being able to take anything to knock out the cold, and I was at the end of my rope. Needless to say, after that night, I showed up bright and early at the dr's office on Monday morning, and they were able to give me an antibiotic for my cold-morphed-sinus infection/ear infection. Sweet relief!
NYE itself wasn't too bad. I had to work 'til 8 -- which is rather early, in comparison to years' past. Then I drove home to a clean house and got ready to have a few friends over to celebrate the New Year. It was nice, small, and not too rowdy -- which is exactly what I needed.
It's hard to believe that 2011 is here... and that I will be meeting my Little Miss in just 10 short weeks. Looking back at 2010, it's amazing to me to look back on all that we went through, and where God has us now.
At the outset of 2010, we were feeling hopeful to begin our first round of IVF...only to have a rough first start with meds in February and have to stop... then our abismal failure of round #1 in April... and to have to convince ourselves to move foward and maintain hope (and not get our hopes up) for our (blessedly successful) round #2 in June.
Then, miracle of all miracles, we found ourselves with a positive pregnancy in July... and our hopes and fears suddenly took on a different tone and meaning. We found ourselves in unchartered territory. I'd spent 44 months reading up on IF and how to GET pregnant. I knew nothing about being pregnant, or what to expect, what to look for in terms of warning signs if something went wrong, what I should/shouldn't do/eat, whatever. I was so anxious about Baby J, and whether or not she would make it through the first trimester, then through 24 weeks (point of viability).
Here in 2011, I find myself still praying for her continued health and growth... that she develop and grow as she should for the next 10 weeks. That the birth go well and there not be any medical issues for little miss. That she be born healthy and strong... and a good sleeper (please God!).
One of my favorite verses in the bible is Colossians 1:17, which says "He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together."
To me, it is a true reflection of life. He goes before me, and is always there, paving our way. We may not understand (or appreciate!) His timing with how life goes, or why it takes so long for some prayers to be answered, but I have no doubt that in the end, "in Him, all things hold together." He held me together for those 44 months of desperate cries and pleadings for a baby. He held me together on those days when I couldn't help but cry in the bathroom at work, or while walking the dogs, or when I was hiding my tears from DH in the shower. He held me together when I was overwhelmed with anger and bitterness and resentment at our situation, with even having to deal with IF at all -- and feeling so entitled to kids, compared to others that I saw around me that seemingly got knocked up just by thinking of se.x.
He held me together when our first round of IVF failed, and I wasn't sure I could take the pain of IF and treatments and the unfairness of our situation any longer. He held me together when I was petrified of starting round #2, for fear of similar failures awaiting us.
He held me together when I dared to allow hope to take root in my heart, despite the cost I knew I would pay, if it should all go awry. He held me together when we made it through our ER successfully, then our ET... and with our positive beta test.
He's held me through every step in these last 30 weeks of pregnancy... and I have no doubt that whatever 2011 has to bring (and beyond), that He will continue to hold us together through it all.
Blessings come in all shapes and sizes, and while none of us would ever wish for blessings to come in the form of struggles or misfortunes, I know that God has blessed us greatly through our struggles with IF, and our failures and trials over the course of 2010 (and prior). And as painful as they were, I would not trade them for anything. They have brought us to where we are today, and as I sit here and consider all that we have to anticipate in 2011, we are richly blessed, indeed.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Monday Monday
...be good to me...
I'm dragging today. A long weekend of Christmas shopping and caring for both pups by myself has left me feeling pretty tired. --That, and having to wake up extra-early for my 23-week OB appointment.
Thankfully, everything with Little Miss looks good, and I am keeping my weight gain at a normal 1 lb a week rate.
...Wonder if I'll succeed in keeping that rate for my next appointment, post-Turkey-Day?
I also started in on my other major project, "Make Room For Baby," and cleaned out two drawers full of pictures to put away in photo boxes. ...this in rather small and vain attempt to clean up & organize the two rooms needed to convert one into the guest room and the other into the nursery. I must admit - while I did get the photo project done, I've realized that didn't make even a dent in the rest of what needs to be done to get those two rooms in order. Ay yi yi...
But I won't think about that now... I'll think about that in January. (Love that Scarlett!)
Eleven days 'til my friend A's wedding on the 4th. Think that's enough time to tone up my arms?? (Sigh)
Okay... enough ramblings from me. My brain is scattered today from lack of sleep, and my thoughts are following suit.
Dear Lord, please let the next two days of work pass by without too much craziness or last minute issues... And please let me sleep at night, so I don't feel like a rambling, babbling idiot during the day. Amen.
I'm dragging today. A long weekend of Christmas shopping and caring for both pups by myself has left me feeling pretty tired. --That, and having to wake up extra-early for my 23-week OB appointment.
Thankfully, everything with Little Miss looks good, and I am keeping my weight gain at a normal 1 lb a week rate.
...Wonder if I'll succeed in keeping that rate for my next appointment, post-Turkey-Day?
I also started in on my other major project, "Make Room For Baby," and cleaned out two drawers full of pictures to put away in photo boxes. ...this in rather small and vain attempt to clean up & organize the two rooms needed to convert one into the guest room and the other into the nursery. I must admit - while I did get the photo project done, I've realized that didn't make even a dent in the rest of what needs to be done to get those two rooms in order. Ay yi yi...
But I won't think about that now... I'll think about that in January. (Love that Scarlett!)
Eleven days 'til my friend A's wedding on the 4th. Think that's enough time to tone up my arms?? (Sigh)
Okay... enough ramblings from me. My brain is scattered today from lack of sleep, and my thoughts are following suit.
Dear Lord, please let the next two days of work pass by without too much craziness or last minute issues... And please let me sleep at night, so I don't feel like a rambling, babbling idiot during the day. Amen.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Whistle While You Work
I'm going to have to remind myself to do this in the coming weeks... anything to make it seem more manageable and less stressful!
Work these past two weeks has been very busy. And I realize that we're at the point of the year when it should be... I just didn't (and don't) feel very prepared for it to be already. I think maybe the PFH has thrown off my internal calendar - and definitely my 'groove' in working with gifts. I still feel like it should be September or something, with year-end busyness still several months away.
I am quite thankful, however, that I'm at this stage in pregnancy to handle it all, when energy is still high, I'm feeling good, and Little Miss's kicks aren't so very strong yet that they inflict pain or loss of breathe. :-)
People are starting to talk to me about babyshowers in early 2011, which is just so surreal. To be at a babyshower, thrown for a baby of mine... I was seriously losing all hope that that day would ever come.
I am definitely going to lose it when that day finally arrives. Guess I better warn the hosts to have plenty of Klee.nex on hand to stem the waterworks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On another note - the sunday school class at my church was covering the issue of pain and suffering over the past two weeks' classes. This was actually a topic that I'd requested last year that they speak on... how to deal with pain and suffering in our lives, and how not to take offense at God when we go through those times. We missed the first session of it, sadly, but were there for this sunday's session... and while it didn't cover everything I would have wanted to hear about (most likely what I missed from the previous sunday!), it was so very good, I thought I'd share a bit from it.
They reviewed the story in John 11 of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, when Lazarus falls sick and dies, and in the end is resurrected by Jesus. There's a passage of time in the story during which Lazarus was sick, declined rapidly, died, and then several days passed before Jesus' arrival to Mary & Martha's house. Knowing that he could have saved Lazarus, you can just imagine the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment that must have been brewing in Mary and Martha in the days before Jesus' arrival. In fact, you can hear it in the passive (yet very accusatory) tone of her first comment to him, when she says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
Kind of how I felt down in the miry pit of IF for so very long... bitter, hurt, angry, and resentful that I had to deal with IF at all...that God hadn't saved me from that, or that He hadn't yet chosen to bless me with a pregnancy, month after month after month. So completely bogged down by those thoughts and feelings that I was taking the absence of the response (read: pregnancy) that I wanted from Him as equating to abandonment by Him...
Which it was not.
It's funny though, Jesus' response to Mary's comment. He doesn't address her accusatory statment at all. He completely changed the subject by telling her who He was ("I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die."), and asking her if she believe this.
Now, my immediate reaction is that if this is what I heard as my only response when asking such a question of Jesus, I would be royally ticked. I mean, hello, do you not see my pain here? The bitterness? The anger and hurt? Why are you trying to avoid answering me?
I'm pretty sure those same thoughts were running through my brain (or shouted) over the course of many dark nights of the soul during our four years of trying...
But I think the point made in this story is that Jesus was trying to draw Mary out of her pit of despair -- bring her out to the light of day, beyond the overwhelming darkness and agony of her pain, and remind her of the truth.
The story of Lazarus is a story of deliverance. Deliverance of Lazarus from death. Deliverance of us all through Christ. Deliverance for all of us from our problems, if we just remind ourselves of His truths, and trust in Him.
--While this doesn't necessarily make the problems go away or resolve them, there's no doubt that we'd find more comfort and peace if we truly allowed ourselves to rest and trust in Him, than to cry and rage at things beyond our control.
I realize that it may seem quite easy to some of you for me to say this, now that I'm 'on the other side' and expecting. And while there may be some truth to that, I can tell you honestly that while this would be hard to hear and believe in during our TTC trial, I would have wanted it to be true--and in that wanting, would have found some relief and comfort.
One part that resonated so deeply in me with this story, that I had never picked up on before... I'm sure you've all heard that the shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept." This verse is in the Lazarus story - John 11:35. What struck me about it is that he wasn't weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. He was weeping because of the pain and heartache he witnessed on Mary's face.
That the Son of God, who knows the beginning, middle, and end of ALL of our stories, and who knew that Lazarus would be resurrected and restored to his sisters -- that the compassionate nature of our Father was reflected by his weeping with Mary, in witnessing her heartbreak, is incredible to me.
It makes me think back to all the times I sat and cried in the shower because I didn't want to upset DH anymore, or cried while walking the dogs alone, or in my car, or in the work bathrooms... the myriad of places where I have broken down and cried out my pain. That my Father in heaven would not only hear my cries and see my tears, but would cry with me.... I cannot explain how much that means to me, and how much that alone strengthens my faith.
I am so grateful for it. Without it, I don't know how I could have endured those 45 months.
Praying that you all have light and truth in your lives to hold on to when the going gets rough...
Work these past two weeks has been very busy. And I realize that we're at the point of the year when it should be... I just didn't (and don't) feel very prepared for it to be already. I think maybe the PFH has thrown off my internal calendar - and definitely my 'groove' in working with gifts. I still feel like it should be September or something, with year-end busyness still several months away.
I am quite thankful, however, that I'm at this stage in pregnancy to handle it all, when energy is still high, I'm feeling good, and Little Miss's kicks aren't so very strong yet that they inflict pain or loss of breathe. :-)
People are starting to talk to me about babyshowers in early 2011, which is just so surreal. To be at a babyshower, thrown for a baby of mine... I was seriously losing all hope that that day would ever come.
I am definitely going to lose it when that day finally arrives. Guess I better warn the hosts to have plenty of Klee.nex on hand to stem the waterworks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On another note - the sunday school class at my church was covering the issue of pain and suffering over the past two weeks' classes. This was actually a topic that I'd requested last year that they speak on... how to deal with pain and suffering in our lives, and how not to take offense at God when we go through those times. We missed the first session of it, sadly, but were there for this sunday's session... and while it didn't cover everything I would have wanted to hear about (most likely what I missed from the previous sunday!), it was so very good, I thought I'd share a bit from it.
They reviewed the story in John 11 of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, when Lazarus falls sick and dies, and in the end is resurrected by Jesus. There's a passage of time in the story during which Lazarus was sick, declined rapidly, died, and then several days passed before Jesus' arrival to Mary & Martha's house. Knowing that he could have saved Lazarus, you can just imagine the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment that must have been brewing in Mary and Martha in the days before Jesus' arrival. In fact, you can hear it in the passive (yet very accusatory) tone of her first comment to him, when she says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
Kind of how I felt down in the miry pit of IF for so very long... bitter, hurt, angry, and resentful that I had to deal with IF at all...that God hadn't saved me from that, or that He hadn't yet chosen to bless me with a pregnancy, month after month after month. So completely bogged down by those thoughts and feelings that I was taking the absence of the response (read: pregnancy) that I wanted from Him as equating to abandonment by Him...
Which it was not.
It's funny though, Jesus' response to Mary's comment. He doesn't address her accusatory statment at all. He completely changed the subject by telling her who He was ("I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die."), and asking her if she believe this.
Now, my immediate reaction is that if this is what I heard as my only response when asking such a question of Jesus, I would be royally ticked. I mean, hello, do you not see my pain here? The bitterness? The anger and hurt? Why are you trying to avoid answering me?
I'm pretty sure those same thoughts were running through my brain (or shouted) over the course of many dark nights of the soul during our four years of trying...
But I think the point made in this story is that Jesus was trying to draw Mary out of her pit of despair -- bring her out to the light of day, beyond the overwhelming darkness and agony of her pain, and remind her of the truth.
The story of Lazarus is a story of deliverance. Deliverance of Lazarus from death. Deliverance of us all through Christ. Deliverance for all of us from our problems, if we just remind ourselves of His truths, and trust in Him.
--While this doesn't necessarily make the problems go away or resolve them, there's no doubt that we'd find more comfort and peace if we truly allowed ourselves to rest and trust in Him, than to cry and rage at things beyond our control.
I realize that it may seem quite easy to some of you for me to say this, now that I'm 'on the other side' and expecting. And while there may be some truth to that, I can tell you honestly that while this would be hard to hear and believe in during our TTC trial, I would have wanted it to be true--and in that wanting, would have found some relief and comfort.
One part that resonated so deeply in me with this story, that I had never picked up on before... I'm sure you've all heard that the shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept." This verse is in the Lazarus story - John 11:35. What struck me about it is that he wasn't weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. He was weeping because of the pain and heartache he witnessed on Mary's face.
That the Son of God, who knows the beginning, middle, and end of ALL of our stories, and who knew that Lazarus would be resurrected and restored to his sisters -- that the compassionate nature of our Father was reflected by his weeping with Mary, in witnessing her heartbreak, is incredible to me.
It makes me think back to all the times I sat and cried in the shower because I didn't want to upset DH anymore, or cried while walking the dogs alone, or in my car, or in the work bathrooms... the myriad of places where I have broken down and cried out my pain. That my Father in heaven would not only hear my cries and see my tears, but would cry with me.... I cannot explain how much that means to me, and how much that alone strengthens my faith.
I am so grateful for it. Without it, I don't know how I could have endured those 45 months.
Praying that you all have light and truth in your lives to hold on to when the going gets rough...
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding
It's a, nice day to, start agaaaaaaaain....
Who else can't help but hear that Billy Idol line when they think of weddings??
I found my b-maid dress for A's wedding over the weekend, and thankfully, it's a maternity one. Ol.ian Maternity, long black dress, 'yoke' neckline with black beading... very classic, and while it was more than I'd wanted to pay -- at least all it needs is a good hem-job a week or two beforehand, hallelujah!
In sad wedding-related news... I finally heard back from my other friend G, whose wedding was set for Dec. 11th. She had talked her fiance into going to a few counseling sessions last week, to see if they could work through their (or his) issues... but in the end, it seems her fiance's mind was made up. So their wedding has officially been cancelled.
My heart hurts for her. She still won't talk about what happened -- or really respond to any emails/texts/voicemails... So I'm just praying for her, that she would be surrounded by friends and family who will love and encourage her through this, and that she'll find peace in the situation, somehow.
She's a strong girl...I just hate to know she's hurting. Every time I think of her, I think of this lovely song by Step.hen Kel.log and the Si.xers~
But it's alright
It's gonna hurt sometimes
Everyone bleeds
Even when the sun shines
You gotta see yourself like I do
See yourself from my point of view
No one else can get through
Until you see yourself
Like somebody that loves you.
I tried to link the you-tube video, for anyone that wanted to listen...but alas, my blogger-skills fail me once again. If you find it on you-tube, fast-forward to 0:28, and enjoy. We'll see if the old-fashioned URL listing will work for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRYxw1y6mro
And I hope she'll get past this hurt and be able to see herself like so many of us see her... as someone who is beautiful, vibrant, loveable, smart, funny, generous, and wholly deserving of good man to sweep her off her feet and love & adore her for the rest of her life.
On that note -- have a great weekend ya'll! Hope you all do something fun.
Who else can't help but hear that Billy Idol line when they think of weddings??
I found my b-maid dress for A's wedding over the weekend, and thankfully, it's a maternity one. Ol.ian Maternity, long black dress, 'yoke' neckline with black beading... very classic, and while it was more than I'd wanted to pay -- at least all it needs is a good hem-job a week or two beforehand, hallelujah!
In sad wedding-related news... I finally heard back from my other friend G, whose wedding was set for Dec. 11th. She had talked her fiance into going to a few counseling sessions last week, to see if they could work through their (or his) issues... but in the end, it seems her fiance's mind was made up. So their wedding has officially been cancelled.
My heart hurts for her. She still won't talk about what happened -- or really respond to any emails/texts/voicemails... So I'm just praying for her, that she would be surrounded by friends and family who will love and encourage her through this, and that she'll find peace in the situation, somehow.
She's a strong girl...I just hate to know she's hurting. Every time I think of her, I think of this lovely song by Step.hen Kel.log and the Si.xers~
But it's alright
It's gonna hurt sometimes
Everyone bleeds
Even when the sun shines
You gotta see yourself like I do
See yourself from my point of view
No one else can get through
Until you see yourself
Like somebody that loves you.
I tried to link the you-tube video, for anyone that wanted to listen...but alas, my blogger-skills fail me once again. If you find it on you-tube, fast-forward to 0:28, and enjoy. We'll see if the old-fashioned URL listing will work for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRYxw1y6mro
And I hope she'll get past this hurt and be able to see herself like so many of us see her... as someone who is beautiful, vibrant, loveable, smart, funny, generous, and wholly deserving of good man to sweep her off her feet and love & adore her for the rest of her life.
On that note -- have a great weekend ya'll! Hope you all do something fun.
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