Little Miss Baby J

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Monday Monday good to me...

I'm dragging today. A long weekend of Christmas shopping and caring for both pups by myself has left me feeling pretty tired. --That, and having to wake up extra-early for my 23-week OB appointment.

Thankfully, everything with Little Miss looks good, and I am keeping my weight gain at a normal 1 lb a week rate.

...Wonder if I'll succeed in keeping that rate for my next appointment, post-Turkey-Day?

I also started in on my other major project, "Make Room For Baby," and cleaned out two drawers full of pictures to put away in photo boxes. ...this in rather small and vain attempt to clean up & organize the two rooms needed to convert one into the guest room and the other into the nursery. I must admit - while I did get the photo project done, I've realized that didn't make even a dent in the rest of what needs to be done to get those two rooms in order. Ay yi yi...

But I won't think about that now... I'll think about that in January. (Love that Scarlett!)

Eleven days 'til my friend A's wedding on the 4th. Think that's enough time to tone up my arms?? (Sigh)

Okay... enough ramblings from me. My brain is scattered today from lack of sleep, and my thoughts are following suit.

Dear Lord, please let the next two days of work pass by without too much craziness or last minute issues... And please let me sleep at night, so I don't feel like a rambling, babbling idiot during the day. Amen.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Whistle While You Work

I'm going to have to remind myself to do this in the coming weeks... anything to make it seem more manageable and less stressful!

Work these past two weeks has been very busy. And I realize that we're at the point of the year when it should be... I just didn't (and don't) feel very prepared for it to be already. I think maybe the PFH has thrown off my internal calendar - and definitely my 'groove' in working with gifts. I still feel like it should be September or something, with year-end busyness still several months away.

I am quite thankful, however, that I'm at this stage in pregnancy to handle it all, when energy is still high, I'm feeling good, and Little Miss's kicks aren't so very strong yet that they inflict pain or loss of breathe. :-)

People are starting to talk to me about babyshowers in early 2011, which is just so surreal. To be at a babyshower, thrown for a baby of mine... I was seriously losing all hope that that day would ever come.

I am definitely going to lose it when that day finally arrives. Guess I better warn the hosts to have plenty of Klee.nex on hand to stem the waterworks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On another note - the sunday school class at my church was covering the issue of pain and suffering over the past two weeks' classes. This was actually a topic that I'd requested last year that they speak on... how to deal with pain and suffering in our lives, and how not to take offense at God when we go through those times. We missed the first session of it, sadly, but were there for this sunday's session... and while it didn't cover everything I would have wanted to hear about (most likely what I missed from the previous sunday!), it was so very good, I thought I'd share a bit from it.

They reviewed the story in John 11 of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, when Lazarus falls sick and dies, and in the end is resurrected by Jesus. There's a passage of time in the story during which Lazarus was sick, declined rapidly, died, and then several days passed before Jesus' arrival to Mary & Martha's house. Knowing that he could have saved Lazarus, you can just imagine the hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment that must have been brewing in Mary and Martha in the days before Jesus' arrival. In fact, you can hear it in the passive (yet very accusatory) tone of her first comment to him, when she says, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

Kind of how I felt down in the miry pit of IF for so very long... bitter, hurt, angry, and resentful that I had to deal with IF at all...that God hadn't saved me from that, or that He hadn't yet chosen to bless me with a pregnancy, month after month after month. So completely bogged down by those thoughts and feelings that I was taking the absence of the response (read: pregnancy) that I wanted from Him as equating to abandonment by Him...

Which it was not.

It's funny though, Jesus' response to Mary's comment. He doesn't address her accusatory statment at all. He completely changed the subject by telling her who He was ("I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die."), and asking her if she believe this.

Now, my immediate reaction is that if this is what I heard as my only response when asking such a question of Jesus, I would be royally ticked. I mean, hello, do you not see my pain here? The bitterness? The anger and hurt? Why are you trying to avoid answering me?

I'm pretty sure those same thoughts were running through my brain (or shouted) over the course of many dark nights of the soul during our four years of trying...

But I think the point made in this story is that Jesus was trying to draw Mary out of her pit of despair -- bring her out to the light of day, beyond the overwhelming darkness and agony of her pain, and remind her of the truth.

The story of Lazarus is a story of deliverance. Deliverance of Lazarus from death. Deliverance of us all through Christ. Deliverance for all of us from our problems, if we just remind ourselves of His truths, and trust in Him.

--While this doesn't necessarily make the problems go away or resolve them, there's no doubt that we'd find more comfort and peace if we truly allowed ourselves to rest and trust in Him, than to cry and rage at things beyond our control.

I realize that it may seem quite easy to some of you for me to say this, now that I'm 'on the other side' and expecting. And while there may be some truth to that, I can tell you honestly that while this would be hard to hear and believe in during our TTC trial, I would have wanted it to be true--and in that wanting, would have found some relief and comfort.

One part that resonated so deeply in me with this story, that I had never picked up on before... I'm sure you've all heard that the shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept." This verse is in the Lazarus story - John 11:35. What struck me about it is that he wasn't weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. He was weeping because of the pain and heartache he witnessed on Mary's face.

That the Son of God, who knows the beginning, middle, and end of ALL of our stories, and who knew that Lazarus would be resurrected and restored to his sisters -- that the compassionate nature of our Father was reflected by his weeping with Mary, in witnessing her heartbreak, is incredible to me.

It makes me think back to all the times I sat and cried in the shower because I didn't want to upset DH anymore, or cried while walking the dogs alone, or in my car, or in the work bathrooms... the myriad of places where I have broken down and cried out my pain. That my Father in heaven would not only hear my cries and see my tears, but would cry with me.... I cannot explain how much that means to me, and how much that alone strengthens my faith.

I am so grateful for it. Without it, I don't know how I could have endured those 45 months.

Praying that you all have light and truth in your lives to hold on to when the going gets rough...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding

It's a, nice day to, start agaaaaaaaain....

Who else can't help but hear that Billy Idol line when they think of weddings??

I found my b-maid dress for A's wedding over the weekend, and thankfully, it's a maternity one. Ol.ian Maternity, long black dress, 'yoke' neckline with black beading... very classic, and while it was more than I'd wanted to pay -- at least all it needs is a good hem-job a week or two beforehand, hallelujah!

In sad wedding-related news... I finally heard back from my other friend G, whose wedding was set for Dec. 11th. She had talked her fiance into going to a few counseling sessions last week, to see if they could work through their (or his) issues... but in the end, it seems her fiance's mind was made up. So their wedding has officially been cancelled.

My heart hurts for her. She still won't talk about what happened -- or really respond to any emails/texts/voicemails... So I'm just praying for her, that she would be surrounded by friends and family who will love and encourage her through this, and that she'll find peace in the situation, somehow.

She's a strong girl...I just hate to know she's hurting. Every time I think of her, I think of this lovely song by Step.hen Kel.log and the Si.xers~

But it's alright
It's gonna hurt sometimes
Everyone bleeds
Even when the sun shines

You gotta see yourself like I do
See yourself from my point of view
No one else can get through
Until you see yourself
Like somebody that loves you.

I tried to link the you-tube video, for anyone that wanted to listen...but alas, my blogger-skills fail me once again. If you find it on you-tube, fast-forward to 0:28, and enjoy. We'll see if the old-fashioned URL listing will work for me.

And I hope she'll get past this hurt and be able to see herself like so many of us see her... as someone who is beautiful, vibrant, loveable, smart, funny, generous, and wholly deserving of good man to sweep her off her feet and love & adore her for the rest of her life.

On that note -- have a great weekend ya'll! Hope you all do something fun.

Gender Reveal!

Yikes... two weeks since my last post. Sorry ladies! What a slacker I am.

SO! Last Friday -- our big Finding Out party with the padres and all the in-laws. It was so fun! My parents drove in from Nashville and got in around 5:30, just as I was putting the finishing touches on everything. I'd picked up the cake on the way home from work, and the baker had ensured there'd be no peaking by covering the cake in a thick layer of fondant chocolate icing... absolutely impossible to 'taste-test' without it being obvious to the world.. smart baker.

The in-laws descended around 7, and everyone was eager to cut the cake. One of my SIL's kept begging us to cut the cake first -- but what fun is that? Then the anticipation factor is out the window, and it's just a regular old dinner party. Thankfully, both DH and I thought it would be more fun to prolong the torture for another hour or we did.

We took a vote on how many thought Baby J was a girl vs. boy...and my, how interesting that was! When we first announced our pregnancy, I'd say the majority of both families claimed we would have a boy. Now that I'm showing, however, I guess that has swayed the opinion... there were 7 votes for a girl, 4 for a boy, and 4 abstained (mostly my nieces & nephews, who were much more interested in our wii than baby-matters).

Then we set out the cake and got ready to find out the truth for ourselves.

Upon first slice of the cake, we could hardly tell what color the batter was, the knife came out so clean! But once we lifted up the slice, there was no longer any doubt... that cake was about as pepto-bismal PINK as you can get!

GIRL it is... and Baby J is now officially Little Miss Baby J, woohoo!

As soon as all the whooping and celebrating died down, DH asked to see the envelope that the u/s tech had given us, just to 'double-check.'

Thankfully, she was very specific -- included a note for us that said "'s a girl!" AND a picture of the money-shot, as confirmation.

The Money Shot

Another couple cute pics of 'Lil Miss...

At 19w2d

Cute little feet

And a wave to the audience! -- already such a social young thing, wouldn't you agree?

Fun stuff, right?

In other news... I said goodbye for now to my last pair of non-maternity pants today. I could wear them another week, maybe, but let's face it...they're not exactly comfortable around the waist any longer. Better to opt for the comfy, stretchy-waist pants (ahhh!). Demi-waist band, how I love you!

These past few days, I feel like my belly has pooched out a little more. Every time I say something like that around the DH, he makes fun of me and reminds me that yes, it should--'cause I'm pregnant.

And it's not that I don't KNOW this... but hey, isn't a gal allowed to marvel and wonder at the changes in her body?? I mean, seriously... it's crazy to wake up a swear that your belly is noticeably bigger than it was the day before. ...And it's definitely a noticeable baby-belly now. Which I love.

Still waking up so grateful for each day of this pregnancy...with every little kick and roll I feel, I stand amazed at the blessing God has granted me. May that never, ever change.

Friday, October 22, 2010

From Shower to Shower

Ahh, Friday!

Thank goodness I've made it to yet another weekend... and I am thinking that I'm pretty well-prepared for A's bridal shower tomorrow - despite my disastrous experience (to be shared later) in the kitchen last night! Let's just hope I can do a good enough job cleaning out the oven, so that it won't smoke for me tomorrow, when everyone's at the house and I'm baking the breakfast casserole...

I go from hosting A's shower tomorrow morning, to a 4-hour couples baby shower tomorrow afternoon.

...Am still trying to figure out what exactly could be planned at this shindig to warrant a four-hour time slot. DH, on the other hand, is convinced that the hosts are intentionally trying to torture the male guests.

No further news on my friend G, or her wedding... just confirmation back from her that she'd actually only told me and three others about it. That's only half the number of bridesmaids she has, too... so I'm DEFINITELY keeping my mouth shut (as is DH, and his friend Adam) about it from here on out.

Work has been crazy this week. Currently my dept has 19 potential charitable contributions (or 'gifts') in the works... which is about 3 times the normal number for this time of year. I'm used to 19 or more come November, and definitely by December... but this is atypical for October. I'm hoping that means we're getting some done early, and we won't have near as many smushed into the last 2 weeks of the year... but that's most likely wishful thinking.

My belly is definitely poking out now. No hiding it, at 19 weeks (woohoo!). Though I am proud to say that I can still fit into two pairs of my 'big girl' non-maternity pants... if only for another week or so.

Enjoy the weekend, ladies!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oh, Bother

This isn't good... not good at all.

I got home yesterday after work, and as we were getting ready to take the pups for a walk, DH starts asking whether I've heard anything more from my friend G, regarding her (potentially cancelled) wedding. I said no.

He then mentions that he'd asked a mutual friend of ours (and G's) from our college days, Adam, whether he'd heard anything about it.

Cue my freak-out.

I immediately laid into him for talking to someone else about it. Based on everything I'd told him (which is not much -- basically everything in my last post reflected the little I know about the situation!), there is NOTHING out there that would suggest that this news is 'public'. I've told him since Sunday evening that I've seen nothing that refers to this on either a) their wedding website, b), or c) in an email or second text out to the wedding party.

As such, my point to him was, if this had happened to us during our wedding planning/engagement, don't you think that I would still be hoping and praying that our fight blows over? That we would reconcile?

I'm still hoping that for her at this point.

Then I asked him to call Adam back and ask him to keep his mouth shut about it, and not to say anything to anyone... at which point DH told me it was too late for that -- that he'd already asked another guy if he'd heard anything about it, or what was going on. Apparently this other guy was in the groom's fraternity pledge class, so Adam thought he might be 'in the know.' ---Not that any of that really matters when you're 8 years out of college, like they are! To assume someone knows something, just because they were in the same pledge class, seems a little ridiculous to me.

And now it's out there. And I am SO not happy with DH about it.

I reiterated the fact to DH that he really had no business asking anyone about it... that until the news was disseminated to the public somehow -- whether via their wedding website, or by an email or phone call to any wedding party members or invitees to the wedding -- that he really should have kept his mouth shut about it. It wasn't our news to tell. And I though I'd made that clear by my continual reiteration of the fact that NOTHING ELSE HAS BEEN STATED ANYWHERE ABOUT IT, at ALL.

You would have thought he would have at least asked if he could say something to A about it -- we had planned on sharing a hotel with A and his wife that weekend and all.

Now I just hate thinking that this could get back to either the groom or to G, that people now know -- I hate to think that DH and I are to blame for that.

In DH's defense -- he feels awful about it, and now sees why he shouldn't have said anything.. or why he should have at least checked about it with me first, before he talked to anyone.

I've always said I love DH despite his mouth -- let's just say this isn't the first time it's gotten him into trouble.

But man...I feel terrible.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I'm officially 18 weeks and counting...less than a week to go before our next u/s, when we find out the gender! I'm so excited. I know it will be hard to wait the four days between our scan on Monday and our "finding out" party that Friday night, but it will be fun to learn the sex with all DH's family and my parents there. Can't WAIT.


On a sad note....I got a random text from my friend G on Sunday -- she's the one getting married December 11th in Philly, whose ginormous bridemaid's dress I had to get in a size 16 due to my baby bump (and just picked up last week). It was pretty shocking --she was letting all the bridesmaids know that her fiancé has called off the wedding... 7 weeks before the big day.

I feel so bad for her - and I HATE that she's so far away. She said she didn't want to talk in her text--and she is famous for drawing herself in and shutting everyone out when things aren't going well (she did the same thing when her mom had a stroke several years ago). And while I understand the need for time, and not wanting to talk about it over and over again -- I HATE feeling so helpless, and not being there to walk through this tough time with her.

And I have absolutely no idea what happened to bring this about. G is impossible to get in touch with -- I've called/emailed/texted for years without getting more than a few responses in a 12 month period... so my expectations of actually hearing anything from her are low, sadly. Another b-maid lives in town that went to college with both of us, so I've sent her an email, asking if G had mentioned any stresses or issues when she was there for the bachelorette weekend a few weeks ago...we'll see if she knows of anything.

I'm also still hoping this will blow over between them... somewhat. They dated for 9 years long-distance before they even lived in the same city, and then got engaged a year later... and during that 9 years LD, it was definitely a roller-coaster ride. He would be all about marriage, and she wouldn't -- then they'd reverse roles, and SHE'd be gung-ho about getting hitched, and he'd be indifferent or unsure. So part of me wonders if this isn't just a 'relapse' into their old behaviors...or if this is really the heart of how he feels. I definitely don't want them to get hitched if either have any real doubts, Lord knows.

DH is, of course, thinking of the money we've already spent towards this... about $450 in airfare, $300 on the b-maid dress, another $100 or so on the bridal shower/bachelorette party...thank goodness we hadn't yet booked our hotel or had the dress altered. Yikes.

But worst of all, I received their wedding invitation in the mail yesterday. I'm betting that a large majority of her invites were sent out already, which means she/he or both will have to make phone calls or send follow-up letters out to everyone, letting them know it's off. ...I can only imagine how painful that would be... talk about pouring salt in an open wound!

My heart just hurts for her. And at this point, all I know to do is pray for her... just wish I was there to give her a big hug, too.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Home, and ready for the weekend

I ended up not going to the conference this week -- per Doctor's orders. I went back on Tuesday morning, and the Doc confirmed that my left ear was still infected, and that flying would "risk rupturing or perforating" my ear drum. -- Not exactly anything I'd like to experience, thank you!

They gave me new meds, and sent me out with a doctor's note for the trip.

My boss, thank goodness, took the news well, and thankfully, agreed with my decision not to go. I could have driven down, but he wasn't too keen on the idea of me driving a)sick, b) on medicine, and c) all by myself... so the decision was final. I stayed home.

And man, am I glad I did! Just the thought of having to do all that laundry and packing up and getting ready wore me out on Tuesday, so it was nice to just go home and relax a bit instead.

My hearing in the left ear is getting a bit better, finally. But it still feels pretty stuffed up. I'm definitely ready for the medicine to do its' magic and to feel normal again!

On a different note, this next week will be busy-busy, starting with the weekend -- I go into full-out preparation mode for my friend A's bridal shower I'm throwing next Saturday...and I've got a ton of stuff to get done for it! Upload songs and make a shower playlist for my I.pod, make sure I have enough silverware for the # of guests (or figure out an alternative), find a red,creme, or black tablecloth to use for the event, finish hemming the new sheers to put in the front bay window, and sew up the side curtains for it, too. Look back over the food items I'd promised to make for it, and see what I can start to prepare earlier in the week.

For our anniversary last month, my gift from DH was to remove the wallpaper in our kitchen and re-paint everything, including the living room it flows into.

I'll give you three guesses on what stage of the project we're still in... And yes, it is FAR from being finished!

Guess I won't count on that being done prior to the shower... (sigh) Oh well. The guests will just have to overlook that.

And paint colors -- man, that is hard for me. I am no good at that sort of thing. We'd been thinking of doing yellow (i know, pretty predictable, but still - it'd be nice!). But last nightas we were walking the pups around the neighborhood, DH asked what color I wanted to paint the cabinets.

Now, here's the deal with the cabinets: they are as old as the house (1970 built), all white, but they show their age. They have scratches, nicks, indentions, etc., all over. To my mind, they could use a good sand-down prior to repainting... and with yellow walls, I'd be fine keeping them white.

But for some reason, DH is totally against this -- both sanding the cabinets, and keeping them white.

To me, this is mind-boggling... due in part to my lack of interior design skills (another color I have to pick out--nooooo!), and due to the fact that it seems so strange to be against sanding down cabinet doors that CLEARLY need it.

I think he's thinking that if we painted the cabinets some other color than white, then we wouldn't need to sand them... but the nicks, scratches, and indentions would still show up -- they wouldn't just 'disappear' or fade into the wood-work magically...

...I have no idea how to handle this one ladies...

And what other colors would look good on cabinets next to pale yellow walls? Any ideas out there, from those with more design skills than I?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Feeling Like a Kid Again

Unfortunately, not for any of the right reasons.

I mean, really, who in the world--except for maybe little kids in grade school--gets an ear infection? --Or, in my case, a double ear infection??

But -- let me back up a sec.

Last week, DH and I were in DC with my family, enjoying our lovely mini-break away from work, touring around all the monuments and endless museuems, soaking up the delightful fall weather -- and trying desparately to keep up with my sister's 3 crazy older kids (13, 10 and 7).

Other than the constant game of "have you seen ____?" / "Is _____ with you guys?" that her kids put us through ('specially the 7 year old -- thanks Cam!), it was great.

The past week or two, I've been sneezing and sniffling a bit in the morning --- not uncommon for me at this time of the year, during the transition between seasons, and when things like goldenrod and other allergens are in full bloom. So the fact that I was still doing so in DC didn't cause me any concern.

Until Tuesday evening, when I started sneezing my head off.

And Wednesday, when I woke up with a sore throat and a left ear that seemed a

We flew home Wednesday mid-morning, and I was fine on the ascent, and fine during the flight. I was NOT fine, however, during the descent.

Let me tell you, I've NEVER been that physically uncomfortable in a plane before. I felt like someone was blowing up a balloon inside my ears (both, by this point), and somehow managing to stick my inner ears with sharp needles, all at once.

By the time we landed, the pain had thankfully dissipated somewhat, but both ears were completely stuffed up, and my hearing was strangely muffled -- everything sounded very distant. It was weird, ya'll.

I'd hoped that the problem would clear up by Thursday morning, in time to go to work, but it had not -- so I headed to the dr that afternoon, only to be told that I had a cold and double-ear infection.

They gave me drugs (clar.itin-D and amox.icillin) and told me it would be better by today. And while yes, I do feel better and my cold is much improved -- my left ear is decidedly NOT better. Still ringing and completely stuffed up.

My real concern -- and the reason why my post may come across as one long whine (another child-like symptom, I guess!) --- is because I leave on Wednesday morning for a work conference in Orlando... which means I'll be flying again. And I'm fearful of repeating the flight experience from last week...I'd rather not go through that again.

Any ideas or home-remedy's that ya'll know of for how to alleviate ear-aches, or clear up a stopped-up ear??

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Four More Weeks to Wait

Sadly, no u/s at my OB appointment on Tuesday, so it will be the end of October before we know what we're having... (sigh)

It seems like such a long way off, but I'm thinking it will be here before I know it!

October is going to be B.U.S.Y. -- between this trip to DC (thru the 6th), my friend Laura visiting us from San Fran (9th-13th), a work trip (13th-15th), and then planning/prepping for my friend A's bridal shower that I'm co-hosting (the 23rd), I will be QUITE distracted for the next several weeks...and then, lo and behold, the end of October will be here already.

Which is good. But every time I think about the fact that November will probably be here in a blink, I start getting a little nervous... In my world, it means two things: 1) my 2nd job as THE Christmas Present Buyer will re-commence--which means I have to figure out what to get for everyone on both sides of my family; and 2) the busy season at work will be upon me...

And kids, we're talking BUSY. Working for a non-profit means that everyone's looking to make their 'gifts' prior to 12/31, so they can get in that final tax deduction for the year... which basically translates to mean that work life can be hell 'til January 1st. Over 60% of our entire year's activity will occur in the final 3 weeks of the year. In my world, that means crazy, crazy stress, 12-16 hr work days, everyone running around like chickens with our heads cut off... pausing briefly for a quiet, calm, Christmas Day, to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus. :-) --Then it's madness 'til midnight on New Year's Eve!

Which brings me to share with you my big dilemma: do I 'retire' in March, or do I come back to work?

My DH doesn't want me to come back full-time, and in my current position, I don't think there's any way to make it work as a part-time gig --- nor would I desire to be a part of the stress/workload during the holidays---when people should be allowed/available to spend time with their family and friends.

Would I be happy staying home full-time? I don't really know. Part of me wonders if I would need some sort of professional outlet -- and the other part of me wants to 'redeem' the time it took us to get to this place, and spend every possible moment with our little one as I can.

I just don't know. And I hate that I can't give my work a better estimate of my thoughts, so they could plan ahead properly (it would take a long training period to deal with my department - we special in 'complex' issues, and trust me - the name fits!), but I just can't say one way or the other.

My prayer for these next 24 weeks are that God would work on my heart & mind so much that by the time I have to make the decision, it will be an easy one for me... a no-brainer. And that, whichever way I decide to go, that He goes before me to prepare a way...

Monday, September 27, 2010

15 Weeks

I give myself one to two more weeks of a very few number of non-maternity clothing, and that's it... I'm seriously about to pop out of most of my pants/skirts/shorts these days. And not only does it not sound pretty, it doesn't look or feel pretty, either.

Another week has flown by me, and here we are at week 15 -- on the cusp of another few firsts: feeling baby J kick or move, and (hopefully) finding out the gender at our next dr. visit.

I'm anxious to start feeling the baby move... it will be a welcome and (I'm assuming?) reassuring sign to me that all is going well in there... I've said before that this pregnancy feels surreal, and despite my burgeoning belly, it still feels that way, most days... so a nice constant stream of movements and flutters wouldn't be a bad thing!

I'm also getting more and more excited to learn what we're having, so we can start getting more serious about our thoughts & ideas regarding the baby's room. Either way, I'd like to keep it somewhat gender-neutral in paint/furniture/crib bedding and such -- and then add gender-specific details in with the add-on decorations, curtains, etc. At least that's my idea in theory! That could all go out the window as soon as we know, or whenever I see something super-cute in a store.

Tomorrow morning is my next OB appointment. As far as I know, there's no u/s scheduled -- but that could change if the Dr has a repeat performance of a hard-to-find heartbeat for Baby J, like she did last time. If that's the case, then we have a shot of getting the gender results tomorrow! If not, it'll be a long 4 weeks of waiting 'til our next appointment to find out.

I know some people have a gut instinct or feeling as to what they're having... I have none. And we really don't have a preference, either. Growing up, I always thought it would be nice to have an older brother, so while I wouldn't mind that for any future baby girl of mine, I wouldn't be disappointed, either way. We're just excited to be having a baby, no matter what we have!

This friday DH and I are heading to Washington, D.C., to spend 5 days with my entire family, see the sites, and walk ALL over the town. No doubt we'll get plenty of exercise, with our current list of things to do/see while there. Anyone have any good ideas for anything to do off the beaten path, or for good restaurants we should hit while there? We'll have 8 adults and 4 kids, so it's gotta be kid-friendly, whatever it is!

If I learn anything at tomorrow's appointment, I'll keep you all posted...

Monday, September 20, 2010


This weekend was fun--but good gracious, it was exhausting!

Friday we had a nice dinner with the in-laws, and had fun catching up with them. Despite the fact that my DH mis-informing his mom about my 'complete' maternity wardrobe (whaaat??? umm, NO), my MIL offered to take me shopping to get a few 'extra' things this week. I was quick to inform her that two pairs of maternity pants does NOT a complete wardrobe make--and she was actually excited to hear that. ...She's a shopper, like me. Woman after my own heart. :)

Later that evening, after we made it home from the in-law's, we were able to get in touch with our friend Taylor, who's currently living in Bolivia, teaching english at an international school in Santa Cruz. He's a friend from college, who actually lived with us one summer while between apartment leases, so we're quite close. He was the last close friend that did not yet know our news, so sharing that with him via was fun. Going to bed at midnight -- not so fun. But the conversation with our friend so far from home was well worth it.

Saturday morning had me rushing around, trying desperately to clean up our house before the girls from my book club arrived. We read a fantastic book, called A Shad.ow in the Wi.nd, set in Barcelona, Spain, back in the mid 1940's. It's part mystery, slight bit of romance, big part 'coming of age' book... and so, so good.

With the spanish-background to our book, we had decided to try our hand at a spanish-themed lunch (we typically meet over some sort of meal - brunch, lunch or dinner!). I tried my hand at paella AND got to use my dutch oven for the first time, and both met with resounding success, woohoo!

I'm not a huge seafood fan, so I stuck to one that included chicken, smoked sausage, and a good variety of vegetables -- it was wonderful. Definitely a keeper recipe -- good fine off of Tas.ty Kit.chen. Here's the link, if you're interested:

Hmm... not sure why this link isn't working for me. You can go to the site and look up "Paella Manantiales Calientes" though, if you'd like.

The only changes I made: used canned artichokes & tomatoes, traded in the lima beans (blech!) for frozen peas, and added in diced onion and bell pepper (would recommend yellow, orange or green, for the color). Two thumbs up to the chef-author!

After book club, a friend of mine stopped by the house to catch up for a bit --she's engaged, and I'm in her wedding on December 4th. She brought her dress over for me to see - soo soo pretty -- and tried on some jewelry I thought might work with it. Then we just talked -- her in-laws were in town all week long, so it was interesting hearing how that has been going for her. It's always an adjustment when you merge families and have to get used to the way other people live/do things... and having them around for a few days is easy-breezy compared to entertaining/hosting for over a week! Thankfully, she likes 'em.

Saturday night DH and I went downtown to see comedian Az.iz An.sari perform at the Tabernacle. It was a 10:30 pm show (I know -- what prego in her right mind would EVER sign up for a show starting at that hour??), so I wisely took a nap after dinner. ...Not that it helped much! I could have easily rolled back over and kept sleeping, but my hubby loves comedy, and considering it was my anniversary present to him--I sucked it up and made the effort to stay awake.

I must acknowledge a truth here: although I know 31 is not 'old,' per se, it is not entirely all that young anymore, either. And being up 'til 2 in the morning is just painful these days -- whether you're pregnant or not. We slept in Sunday morning, and it was still difficult to get out of bed at 10.

But get out of bed we did, so we could meet up with our small group and take a little field trip up to Ellijay, GA (the apple capital of GA), to pick apples, shot an 'apple cannon' (I'll give you 3 guesses who picked this activity!), and basically walk all over the orchard trying the various different apple varieties.

The only drawback to our lovely outing was the heat. It's still hot as blazes here in the south, with temps at least 10 degrees hotter than normal-- still in the 90's most days -- and it was definitely mid-90's on Sunday. So although we had a grand 'ole time sampling apples and walking all over creation, it was, to quote my husband "hot as balls"... which I'm sure justified the ridiculous consumption of cold apple cider, apple slushee, and shared apple fritter that was had afterwards...right?

Even though I'm not feeling so utterly tired and worn out these days, I'm not doing myself any favors by acting like I can hang w/ my husband and stay up as late as he does... I'm going to try to kick that bad habit this week, and hit the sack by 10 every night.

Oh, and our company just recently started a wellness walking challenge -- gave out pedometers to every employee and challenged them to walk as many steps as possible over the next teen weeks. First week: my average steps walked was close to 9,300, and my highest for the week was over 14,000. This week I'm going to try and raise my average to at least 10,000 --wish me luck!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Just Another "First"

I'm still not pleased about yesterday's out-ing on FB by my sister, but I'm trying to just 'let it go' and forget about it... My sister's always been overly sensitive to any sort of criticism (which is how she would take it if I raised the issue), and seeing as how we're getting along better lately than we have in years -- I'd rather swallow my pride, suck it up, and keep the peace rather than make an issue out of it... wish me luck.

--Now on to my maternity-shopping experience over Labor Day weekend!

My parents had generously offered to buy some maternity clothes for me, which I was stoked about -- I think the last time they bought me clothes, I was still in college (close to a decade ago)... so not an offer I could refuse!

DH and I decided to drive in to Nashville for the weekend, so we could combine the shopping experience with actually getting to see all my family -- my baby nephew, and my newly married brother & his wife -- which was so nice. And being from Atlanta, where the variety of stores and options are endless, I had naively thought that Nashville would have a similar variety, even if on a smaller scale. --Nope!

My dad, a pediatrician in our area, had asked some of the nurses at his clinic what they'd done for maternity wear, or what stores to check out. I though that was pretty sweet of him -- 'til he told me their recommendations.

I don't know if he heard from a good majority or just an opinionated few, but he came away with two thoughts: a) maternity clothes are a total rip-off, and way over-priced, and b)I don't really need maternity clothes -- they recommended I just buy normal clothes one size up, and that should get me through 'til the last month or two.

...Ummm, no. Thanks, but no thanks.

I, of course, had been doing a little on-line research at Gap(dot)com on my own, and had found Gap Maternity prices to be pretty comparable to Gap itself... so I pooh-poohed the thought that maternity clothes would be super-expensive.

That is, until we arrived at the ONLY store in the Nashville area (outside of Ko.hl's and Tar.get) - a P__ in the Pod. There, I was shocked to find tops priced at $65 or above ($50 on sale, whoop-tee-do), pants for a cool hundred, sweaters for $80 or $90... yowzas! Definitely much worse than I expected.

The fact that the pricing was going to justify my dad's preconceived notions made me nervous. Actually, the entire outing made me nervous.

Taking into consideration the fact that there were many moons when I wondered if I would ever have the need for such a thing -- I will readily admit that even the idea of going maternity shopping freaked me out. Then tack on the fact that I was just a little clueless about it all... should the clothes fit you, like normal clothes do -- 'cause that's what I'm used to buying -- clothes that fit! Should they be a little big -- and if so, how big? What's the 'normal' here people??

Granted, while I was actually out with said sis (who really should be an expert on this by now, 4 kids in), my cutie little 4 mo. old nephew Liam, and my mom --- they were actually not much help. At all.

My mom, whom I've mentioned before had a stroke at 41 and now has bouts of narcolepsy, was pretty much snoozing through the whole experience. My sister, while very alert and present, didn't give much in terms of direction or feedback... everytime I would ask her how something looked, or whether it fit right --if it looked like it was supposed to look -- she'd just give me a big fat smile and nod... Almost as if she were too busy thinking "it's so cute that she's finally pregnant and trying on maternity clothes! I'm so excited!" instead of actually focusing on the words coming out of my mouth... Not much help there.

So I would try on things, find a few that I liked or thought looked right on me, and then freak out over how much it cost. I tried waking my mom from her coma-like state a few times, asking if it wouldn't be easier/cheaper for me to just order a few things online-- but she just said that we were already there, "your father's okay with whatever, go ahead and get stuff now"... so, we did.

And spent waaaaay too much on too few items.

So. Morals of my story:
Yes, maternity clothing CAN be super-expensive.
It's helpful to go with people who will actually give you REAL and useful feedback.
Shop sales online -- you'll get more bang for your buck.

Oh, and never turn down a parent-funded shopportunity!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Real quick...

I have several posts floating around in my head that I need to just sit down and type out (if I can just force myself to do so after a long work day), but real quick, I just had to post this...

My sister just 'outed' me on FB... as in, posted "My sister is having her first baby in March! Yipeeee!"

Now, while I don't begrudge her the excitement of this land-mark occasion in my family -- she has, after all, been the only producer of grandbabies for my parents for a looong loong time... and they know we've struggled to get here.

However, I am a little peeved that she posted something like this before WE have even done so.

Am I completely off-base in being a little upset by that, or am I just being overly-sensitive about it all?

Anyways... it's out there now, not much I can do about it... (grrr)

Friday, September 10, 2010


It's now been a week since I finally told my boss our big news... and by now, practically the entire company knows about Baby J.

The telling:

So last Friday, the day kicked off with a 3 hour meeting regarding the PFH (Project From Hell), consisting of me, my boss, and two project workers... As the meeting ended, and my boss and I were making our way back down to our offices on the 5th floor, I was internally panicking... I knew he would once again be swallowed up by a steady stream of meetings for the remainder of the day, so I knew this was my only shot.

With that thought in mind, as we approached his office, I casually brought up the project timeline, asking if our Executive Leadership Team had made any decisions yet whether or not to continue the project through December, our busiest month of the year. My boss went immediately defensive, saying that no such decisions had yet been made, everything was still up in the air, blah blah blah, but that we would certainly be able to "pull together as a team and survive it" if it came to that... At which point I interjected and said "I really hope it doesn't come to that, 'cause I'm not sure I could handle the activity of December, the project, AND being 6 months pregnant all at the same time."

He froze, his eyes got real big, and after a few seconds of shock, finally got out an "are you kidding me?" When I told him I would be 12 weeks as of that Saturday, he just smiled real big, told me how happy he was for me, and kept congratulating me over and over.

Then of course, he asked when I was due. ...Now, ya'll remember when I mentioned that another co-worker of mine, in our tee-tiny department of 7 people, is pregnant with her second and due March 5th?? ...and how nervous I was to tell my boss that I was due a mere 14 days AFTER her?? Yep, and for good reason. When I told him I was due March 19th, you could see the number-crunching going on in his head...all he said was "And M is due when again? March...?" "5th," I said, "...exactly 14 days before me."

"OH, crap," he said, as the realization dawned on him that we would both be going on maternity leave within weeks of each other... for a full 3 months.

Thankfully, he didn't say too much more about it after that... maybe he was restraining himself, to not make me feel too bad about the timing. --As if I had planned that!


Wednesday of last week - September 1st - my mom starts text-stalking me, wondering if she can publicize the news yet... she was apparently just dying to tell her choir friends about it that night. I had to beg and plead with her to give me a few more days, just so I could ensure my boss wouldn't find out about our pregnancy via awful would that have been?


Fast-forward to this week: at our weekly department meeting on Tuesday, I shared the news with everyone, at my boss's request... and again, everyone was pretty happy about it -- 'til they realized how close my and M's due dates are. That received a collective gasp from the group, combined with a "Might as well close down the department!" from one of the guys. ---Sweet of them, but I still think they'll survive.

On Wednesday, we had an in-house training with some of our local affiliates out in the field, for which I had to give a presentation on my area of our department. The Relationship Manager who was facilitating the two-day training interrupts me at one point, saying "...You have a certain glow about you today... is there anything you'd like to share with the group??" -- outing me to the entire room!

So essentially, everyone at my office now knows... my mom has been officially 'unleashed' and is free to share, and it's only a matter of time 'til something crops up on FB.

I'm a little wary of it being on FB.... I just know how painful that was to read when we were deep into treatments, and I don't know if I want to be the cause of anyone else's pain by posting it.

My DH doesn't share my sentiments -- he thinks that we still need to post something, whether it be just pictures or whatever. ...I don't know yet. I'm still torn. Maybe the pain of IF just feels too fresh still to do something that feels almost like a betrayal to my own IF community, whether anonymous or known.

It never really goes away, does it?

Next to share: maternity shopping, ay yi yi!

'Til then -- have a lovely weekend ladies~

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Love this quote...

“Pain can either be the most useful or the most useless part of our lives. It all depends on how much we trust God in the pain.”

Rick Warren

More later!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Still waiting for my opportunity

I am bound and determined that I WILL tell my boss the news... hopefully today. Only have an hour before he leaves, and he's (again!) stuck in another meeting.

But -- nevermind me. I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes with you.

"Beware in your prayers, above everything else, of limiting God.
Not only in your unbelief, but by fancying that you know what He can do.
Expect unexpected things, above all that we ask or think.

Each time, before you intercede, be quiet first, and worship God in His glory.
Think of what He can do, and how He delights to hear the prayers of His redeemed people.
Think of your place and privilege in Christ, and expect great things."

Andrew Murray

Love this. ...Hope it brings a tiny ray of reassurance and hope to your day...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Drat! My Plans Are Foiled Again!

You know that one-on-one meeting I had scheduled with my boss today? The one where I was going to tell him my big news, that DH and I are pregnant after 44 months of TTC?

Yeah, well... so much for all my big plans -- Bossman cancelled my meeting!

The nerve, I tell ya... giving me some lame-o excuse about being "swamped" with work... unbelievable.

............(sub-conscious clearing its' throat at my melodramatics)......

Okay,okay, FINE... so I felt sorry for him -- he did sound really stressed out, and had just come out of a 3.5 hr meeting this morning... poor guy.

But SHOOT, ya'll... it'd be another whole week 'til our next meeting. I'm not sure my belly can hide out that much longer.

Hmmm... guess I'll have to figure out Plan B.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Almost There....

Saturday, I will have made it to a new milestone... 12 weeks.

I still have trouble believing we're here. That we're pregnant--that there is, in fact, a tiny little person growing and developing in me.

...Maybe by the time I give birth I'll believe it.

My waist has slowly been disappearing over the last week or two, and many of my go-to work pants are getting increasingly tighter around the waistline. I've been able to 'mask' my growing belly with loose-fitting or empire-waisted tops thus far, but I'm starting to realize that this tactic may not succeed much longer.

Today was my first OB visit, post RE-graduation. (again, crazy!)

My OB scanned my belly, trying for a few minutes to find the HB, and had no luck. --You'd think I would have been freaking out, but for some reason, I didn't. She said that depending on where the uterus was situated, the pelvic bone can sometimes prohibit them from finding the HB easily.

Lucky for us (as my DH was there with me), this bought us the opportunity for another u/s, which they hadn't initially planned to do. So we were able to get a few more pictures of Baby J today, and see how much bigger our jumping bean had grown since our last one a few weeks ago, which was nice. The arms and legs were so much more distinctive & developed this time, and we could even see the slight shadows of a tiny little nose and eye sockets on the screen.

That made our day, to know that things are still going well, and Baby J is continuing to grow and develop on track.

We're still thanking God every single night for this blessing, and the opportunity to grow our family...and I wake up each morning, just so thankful that I'm pregnant for another day, that we've made it this far.

Another 'first' for us this weekend: my parents, whom we'll be visiting, have offered to take me maternity-wear shopping.

...I think I was in college the last time they bought me clothes... so let's just say it's been about a decade since such an occurence has happened. --Not that I haven't tried, mind you... it's just that somehow, my wish-list for clothes at birthdays & Christmas somehow translated into Lo.wes or De.pot gift cards. (thanks, padre)

So that's kinda exciting - new clothes, paid for by the padres!

Trouble is, I don't know much about maternity wear... what you need, or where to go, etc. Any suggestions on where to shop?

Hope everyone has fun plans for Labor Day. Hooray for 3-day weekends!

Monday, August 30, 2010

From IF to When

Last week, at our monthly staff meeting, I was sitting beside one of my coworkers, D, with whom I have a pretty good relationship… she and I have worked closely together in the past, and at several periods over the past 4 years, have been running/walking partners after work. –Thus, ample time to share what is on our hearts, both work-related and personal. D is also 4 or 5 years older than me (35 or 36 I think?) and single…not happy about it, but pretty apathetic about it.

Needless to say, the great majority of our “personal” time has been sharing the vast, aching voids we’ve been dealing with in our respective lives – she with desiring to find Mr. Right and be married; me, with desiring a baby.

So we’re sitting there, getting ready for the staff meeting to start, when she leans in and says, “So! I hear that M. is pregnant again,” giving me this long, knowing look.

M. – the only other girl in my department “of child-bearing age.” I may have already mentioned to you that she’s currently expecting her 2nd baby…and she’s due exactly two weeks before my own due date in March.

I met D’s glance, reading the sympathy in her gaze, and said, “I know – can you believe it? There has been so many this past year!” …Literally, we’ve had seven women have babies in the past year… SEVEN. For a company with only 80 employees—all of which are NOT women---that’s a lot. Almost 20% of our entire female workforce here.

Then she said something that took me entirely by surprise.

I cried when I found out.”

I was dumbfounded… completely flabbergasted by her confession… heartbroken for her pain, for the fact that she’d never voiced that desire to me before. Up ‘til that moment, I’d had no idea that my friend was harboring that longing or enduring that pain – and had been, most likely for every step of my own journey with IF.

It was all I could do to not throw my arms around her and cry with her, right there in the meeting.

- - - - - - - - -
Long after the meeting was adjourned and everyone had gone back to work, I thought about her confession. ...Even now, it still weighs on me.

I hurt for her…
Knowing that she’s been enduring this pain and longing so silently for all this time.
Knowing how she thinks, wondering if she’s been hiding it for so long because of some inane thought that her longing for a baby was less important or less reasonable, in her single state.
Knowing that as painful as it’s been for me to see all these women having babies around us, that it’s been just as painful for her...and wondering how much more pain she’s inflicted on herself in the hiding of it.

- - - - - - - - -
Fast-forward to last night. I was cuddling next to DH in bed, ready to go to sleep. I asked, “Can you believe we’re almost 12 weeks pregnant??” (I am still pinching myself every day, asking if it’s real)

He just looked at me and said yes, he could… and that he’d never doubted whether we’d get pregnant or not. That it was only a matter of when, not if.

I know there were days/weeks/months of my IF journey when I could not FORCE myself to have hope. When the sheer thought of us one day getting pregnant/having a baby seemed like some sort of cosmic joke by God, laughing in the face of our repeated failures. When all I wanted to do was stay in my bed, curl up under the covers, and shut out life.

But even through the worst of days, some deep part of me could not let go of it. Of faith, of hope… of believing that this would all somehow work out, and we’d one day be a family.

Shortly into our TTC journey, I came across a magnet in some arts-and-crafts store that I immediately bought and put on our fridge at home, as a daily reminder… Believe.

Sometimes you just have to believe that things will get better. That one day, your world will not be consumed by this trial… that good things will come your way, despite the current outlook. That in the end, you will actually be alright…and possibly even stronger/better than you were.

For me, I also had to believe that God is, in fact, good… and not just when things are going my way. He is, in fact, good, even when my life seems crappy and I’m not getting straight answers to my prayers/pleadings.

God is also sovereign – He’s in complete control of what is going on in my life, even when it seems like He’s not, or when I can’t understand why things are going the way they are.

God is God, after all– not man – and therefore, I can’t expect to understand His ways… so to try and analyze why I’ve been subjected to this or what He’s doing, etc., is utterly futile… until I stand before Him in heaven, it will remain a mystery to me.

For me, I found solace, hope, and renewed faith in these scripture. Even on the worst of days, when doubt and hopelessness prevailed in my spirit, the truth of these scripture must have sunk deeply into the recesses of my subconcious, because they kept coming back to me, comforting me when I most needed it.

“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 9:10

“He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together.” Colossian 1:17

“God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change His mind. Does He speak, and then not act? Does He promise, and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:22

“…Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23b

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

“Be strong and take heart, all you who trust in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24

“But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear (worship) Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.” Psalm 33:18

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.” Psalm 62:5

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those whose hope is in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31

“Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” Lamentations 3:21-26

For D, I truly wish I could impart to her how much hope I have for her situation…how strongly I believe that it will not always be as it is now.

How I hope she can stop focusing on the if of her situation, and start believing more in the when.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Shadow of IF

This weekend was a fun one... although busy. Friday night we survived the downpour that was our lawn-seat experience at the Jack Johnson concert, complete with a few extra sound and light effects provided by Mother Nature (LOTS of thunder and lightning)... it was truly one of the wettest nights of my life... Wet, but memorable.

And most likely our last experience with lawnseats... enough with the middle-schoolers and people stepping all over your stuff, already!

Got home late from that, only to get up early the next morning for a quick breakfast with my younger SIL and MIL, and then it was off to the middle-of-nowheresville, to visit with my friend, M, from college. Her parents literally live in a town off the last exit in GA, practically on the state line of GA/SC.... and completely in the boonies. But! They live on the lake, their house is amazing (entirely renovated, and beautiful) and they LOVE their who can find fault with that?

M actually had a baby shower that afternoon, while in town -- my first baby shower since I'd found out I was pregnant. Buying her gift was weird... just walking into, knowing I was carrying our own little one, was beyond strange to me. I couldn't even let myself near the clothes--I knew I'd probably end up either a) crying over some precious little onesie or b) snatching up every cute thing I saw, that I never thought I'd get to buy for a baby of our own... so I restrained myself and kept to the product-focused areas.

The shower, too, was a weird experience. My first that I didn't entirely dread, or suffer through. It was sweet - M's mom truly had gone all-out for her, and the place was decked out in all blues & browns, with a ton of yummy finger foods spread out in between diaper cakes and diaper wreaths, all throughout their den & kitchen. They played a game (the High-low game, where you guess if the item's price should be higher or lower than what was listed), and then M and her husband opened up all their presents, assisted by their adorable 3 1/2 year old daughter.

Two months ago, just the thought of enduring a sight like that would have laid me low for weeks, wondering if I would ever get a chance to have a family like that, or experience a shower thrown for me... have a little one helping me open up my presents for their baby sister/brother.

I would be lying if I said it didn't make my heart hurt a little, even in spite of my current state.

The fact of the matter is that nothing is guaranteed in this world. Nothing. And there's no guarantee that we won't have to go through the prolonged suffering that goes hand-in-hand with fertility treatments at some point again in the future. There's no guarantee that Baby J will make it. There's no guarantee that our totcicles or our frozen eggs will survive, or that we'll have another shot at being parents.

I desperately HOPE none of this comes to pass -- but have no guarantees that it won't.

The real low moment of the day for me came when M and I were downstairs on our own, catching up before all the family arrived for the shower. She was talking about how disappointing her husband's reaction to their pregnancy had been.... This is their 2nd --both of which were unplanned--and they're struggling a bit financially. For him, she explained, he doesn't enjoy feeling so out-of-control. ...he told her that he just wanted them to be able to decide first that they were ready for another child, and then get pregnant...

As if it's ever that easy.

Hearing her voice their regret at not being able to 'plan' the births of their children was difficult... so many of us dealing with IF would give their right arms to 'just' get pregnant, to have an 'oops' baby, to never worry about whether you'll ever ovulate again.

My heart aches when I think of that.

And for my friend-- for her disappointment that her husband wasn't immediately thrilled at the knews. For her husband -- for taking for granted the incredible blessing that pregnancy is --even if it was unexpected. For his sheer arrogance at thinking he's really in control of ANYTHING in his life.

For all of us IF'ers out there... for the families that we hope and pray for each and every day.

Saturday's visit was just another reminder that IF will never leave me... It clings to me like my own shadow -- always there, even if you can't see it.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Dress Size (Gasp!) and the Weekend

Soooo... let's just say that the dress shop wasn't as prepared for the 'knocked-up bridesmaid' scenario as I was hoping...

No belly prosthetic or pillows on hand to use as potential estimators of belly growth.

They just measured me as I was, and recommended I order a dress two sizes up from that, since I'll be greater than 5 months at that point.

My normal dress size: 8

My current waist size: 10

My current chest size: 12

So they had me order a dress two sizes greater than my largest measurement.... which means, you guessed it: a 16. DOUBLE my normal size.


And to top it all off -- I had to ask them if there was anything that could be done about increasing the dress length, given a big poochy belly would raise the front of my dress significantly, leaving me showing a lot more leg than I'd like -- or worse. So they ordered an addition 4 inches of length to the dress.

....made me glad I asked!

But at least it's ordered, and now I don't have to really worry about it 'til mid-October, when it arrives.

I'm really hoping and praying that I will be swimming in it... just for my poor pride's sake. :)

On a happier note --- it's Friday! Woohoo! Headed out early this afternoon to see Jack Johnson in concert (love him!), and then get to visit with one of my good friends from college... one of those friends that I'm thankful to say you just grow closer to and love more and more each year, in spite of geographical distance (she's in CO, I'm here in GA).

Hope you all have some fun plans for your weekend, too. Enjoy it, ladies!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Big Bellies & Bridesmaids Dresses

Tonight I'm headed into town to get fitted and place my order for the bridesmaids dress I'll be wearing in December, for the wedding of my college best friend.

While I'm very excited for the upcoming nuptials of my friend, I am less than excited about the process (or let's just say guessing-game, or random shot in the dark) that will go down tonight.

How in the world do you estimate what your size will be in four months, at six mos. pregnant?

I know there are women out there who barely even show at that point (which is crazy, and let me go ahead and say now that I know I won't be one of 'em). Then there are the ones that definitely look six mos preggo---or even those who get teased for looking like they're full-term already.

Which will I be, I wonder? ---of the last two, that is.

Do dress shops have any means of helping expectant moms plan for this sort of thing? ...I briefly considered calling one of the Motherhood Maternity stores nearby and asking if they'd let me borrow their 6-mo. fake belly to take with me to the store tonight... but I figure that would be an odd request to make, so... I'm just going to risk it, and hope that these ladies have seen and dealt with far more difficult planning issues than this.

I finally got to share my news with the bride-to-be yesterday, thank goodness. She is the absolute WORST in communicating... If I hear from her more than twice a year, it's a shockingly good year. If she returns a call or emails within 2-4 months of my last stalking campaign (this girl requires comm-stalking by all available modes of communication: email, FB, text, and phone calls), then I practically fall out of my chair in surprise.

Needless to say, I was relieved to hear from her. It wasn't something I'd wanted to share via email...nor did I want to just show up with a big preggo belly at her wedding in December. So I felt much better after we'd had a chance to talk, and she'd reassured me that she still wanted me in her b-maid line up, even if my belly knocks over the girls next to me.

Wish me luck for tonight, ladies! Anyone want to place bets for how many dress sizes up they make me order? 1? 3? 5? ....this could be scary...!

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Telling, Picture Update, and Graduation

SO. Back from vacation (boo!), which was wonderful(sigh)... spent the week sleeping in (recovering from both nightly pee breaks and incessant wakings by our overly-excited puppies), reading books (makes me sooo happy!), swimming and skiing out on the lake, and just general lazing about... it was pretty darn nice. The only things missing were the a) margaritas (next year!), and b) sand/the ocean. Still really really miss the beach. A lake is nice, but not exactly a perfect substitute.

But it was FREE -- and we'll take that any day of the week!

On to The Telling.

We got to the lakehouse about 7:30 on Friday night, at which point we'd be joining all the family present (DH's parents, older sister & fam, and two 2nd cousins from L.A. with us for the week) for dinner. The plan was to tell them at dinner, when we had a captive audience. ---At least, that's what we'd discussed for the whole 1.5 hour drive up to the lakehouse.

However, it didn't exactly go as planned... dinner was passing us rapidly by, throughout which I kept stealing furtive glances at DH, awaiting some sign from him that he was about to make our big announcement.

No response from the DH.

In fact, I believe there may have been several non-verbal shushing made in my direction.

So dinnertime passed with no big announcement... not even an attempt at one. People started getting up, leaving the room to go get things, cleaning-up of cookware and plates began, and basically everyone was quickly scattering with the wind as I was frantically elbowing the hubs, wondering why the heck he was letting such a perfect opportunity pass us by.

He then disappeared for a moment, leaving me entirely baffled... only to reappear minutes later with a bottle of bubbly in one hand, and sparkling wine in another.

At this point, he just walked back in the kitchen, and over the din of chatting and pots clattering (it was mass chaos, I tell you), he just started yelling out "Hey everyone, we wanted to share our good news with you that (Musewander)'s pregnant! We hope you'll share a glass with us to celebrate the occasion."

By the end of his schpiel, everyone had stopped talking... and after a 5-second delay to register exactly what he'd said, the celebration broke out... then it was hugs and congratulations all around, and we all toasted our (anxiety-ridden) happiness over the occasion.

All in all, it was a good moment -- and of course, had transpired as only such tellings in my husband's family could transpire...

Fast-forward to yesterday's final visit with our RE.

We'd known that we only had 1 or 2 visits with our RE left, and that our 'graduation' from the fertility specialist back to our regular ob/gyn would be coming sooner or later... but somehow, I was still really surprised when our RE told us that he was officially graduating us yesterday...

It's like having to give up your security blanket as a kid... you know you're probably going to have to give it up soon, but when the moment comes to pack it away, somehow you thought you'd have longer with it. Somehow you still feel caught off-guard when the day arrives that you must give it up for good. That was me yesterday.

So we had one last ultrasound with them, and got to see our little Bean jumping all over the place, waving his/her little arms and legs for us. Our little one looks more like a baby and less like a tadpole now, with distinct head, spine, arms and legs... We got to hear the heartbeat pounding away again, very strong and regular. And everything is measuring right on track for where it should be. So all in all, we got a great report on Baby J, and our RE decided that from here on out, our regular ob/gyn would be taking over.

A big day for an infertile.

Other than being there, watching our ultrasound, this is still so entirely surreal to me... and moving on to our regular ob/gyn---no longer having to see our RE, to NEED a fertility specialist-- is surreal. I mean, my life has essentially revolved around them for the past 2+ years. To quit cold-turkey just seems like crazy-talk.

I guess I'll eventually get used to it, right?

One GREAT thing that came from 'graduating' the RE -- no more intra-muscular Progesterone injections! When the RE told me I could stop taking them, it was as if both sides of my hips sung out a hallelujah chorus in harmony... Thank you, Lord!

Here is the latest ultrasound pick from this morning's appointment -- our little jumping bean. I think this pic is slightly blurrier than our first, but the head is on the right, and the tiny arms are sticking up and down from Baby J's middle... unfortunately the u/s tech couldn't get a good shot that would include the legs, due to Baby J's constant jumping... an active little one! I like to think he/she was having his/her own little dance party in there. DH and I got such a kick out of watching all the movements, and how tiny the arms & legs are at this point.

So crazy... but so FUN. Every time I look at this cute little picture, my heart flutters... please God, let the next 31 weeks go smoothly for us, and let Baby J be healthy.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Vacation Here I Come!

Five pm cannot get here soon enough.... and if I'm really lucky, my boss will take pity on me and give me leave to hit the road sooner than that... please God.

I'm so excited to be at the lakehouse already! DH and I will be making our big announcement to the family -- though exactly how we'll be breaking it to them, I have not yet figured out.

While I'd like to do it in some cute, creative way (like having them open up a "Grandparent's Gift" or some other baby-related item to let them know more are on the way), DH has no real interest in that -- he'd just rather flat-out tell 'em. ...But he won't even compromise on how or when we'd even do that. I envision the news being shared over a big family dinner. --My fear is that it will be haphazardly told 5 minutes after we walk in the door, to whoever may be around.

DH is really no good with secrets... a guy friend of his asked him several weeks ago how things were going with us -- he'd known that we were doing IVF --- and DH told him that "things looked positive."

Even though technically, we'd agreed we weren't "telling" anyone for several weeks yet.

Fast forward to last weekend -- we had dinner with the same guy and another couple friend of ours (of whom one reads this blog, so she was well aware of the sitch), and they all started congratulating us about our pregnancy when we arrived....which was SO wonderful! It felt so nice to celebrate it and talk about it! But on the car ride home, DH acted surprised that his buddy had known. ...All I could muster back was, honey, you TOLD him when you said "things look positive."

I think he thought he was being all vague and covert --- but positive is a positive here... and we are talking about pregnancy after all. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out!

In related news, my parents went to an extended family reunion last weekend, and my mom kept telling me that she was going to absolutely fail at keeping this a secret... claiming, as her lame excuse, that her "honest face" would surely give it all away.

I had to remind her that she still had/has the ability to choose what she shares when she SPEAKS -- and that people can't necessarily tell that her youngest daughter is pregnant just from her smile...

Thankfully, my dad was around to patrole her and keep an eye on the situation. HE is as good as Fort Knox with a secret. Which definitely comes in handy sometimes.

So anyways...

Come one, five o'clock! (please God, make time stop draaaaggging)

I may not have very good access to the internet at the lake, but I'll try to keep up with everyone's blogs and email... Hope you ladies have a great weekend, and everybody gets to do something fun!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Picture Page

...If I don't post it now, it'll never get done..!

Here's the picture from last Friday's ultrasound, at 6w6d:

...Everytime I look at it, I'm just so overwhelmed and amazed... by everything about it all. How God works, and how He knits these cells together so intricately into our baby...

I know Baby J resembles more of a tadpole at this point than of a human form, but according to the books, Baby J should look more like an actual BABY by the next ultrasound on the 16th, when I'm 9w2d.

I can't wait to see how our little one has changed and grown!

Okay---no more tonight. Am half asleep in my chair here -- gotta hit the sack.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Heat Wave

Blast... forgot to scan and upload the ultrasound pic!! Oh well -- I'll try to remember to do that tonight.

The weekend FLEW by... both DH and I had separate plans on Friday night - me w/ a girlfriend of mine, and him to out on the boat w/ some guy friends --- so we didn't meet up again to relive the excitement of the morning 'til our "shot-date" time at 9 pm, when he gives me my nightly progesterone shot. Which the RE told me I could decrease to only a 1/2 ml now... thank goodness.

Saturday, the DH roped me in to some work outdoors... used his best sweet talkin' to convince me to help him re-stain the deck. "I swear, only 30-45 minutes," he said.

...Two and a half hours later, it was done. But good gracious, it was a boiler outside-- 98 degrees and humid as can be!

Even though he did trick me into helping him longer than the initially-requested time, and even though he preyed upon my compassion and generosity ("You wouldn't want me to do this all by myself, would you? Without your help, this would take me forever!"), I did feel a bit sorry for him... he'd been working on the deck for 5 or 6 weeks now, replacing rotten boards, or sanding down rough patches -- and he'd only made a small dent in the whole job. ...So despite my reluctance at pitching in, I was glad to see that we were able to finish it, once and for all.

Now the deal is that we need to move out of this house before the deck needs refinishing in the future!

Saturday night was a lot of fun -- had dinner with a few couple friends of ours, both of whom were privy to our news. So we had a little mini-celebration, which was nice...we hadn't really even talked about it that much ourselves yet! I think DH had been nervous to talk about it, for fear of jinxing the pregnancy somehow. Saturday night he was forced to face reality though, thanks to our friends! And oh, the yummy home-cooked Thai! All in all, a real treat to rejoice with close friends and spend an evening together.

While I'd been dreaming of a slow and lazy Sunday, my husband had other ideas... so of course, mine didn't come true. Instead of napping away my afternoon on the couch, DH loaded the pups and I into the car and took us on a 2-3 hour tour of about 4 different boat slips & parks in the (relatively) nearby area... all for the sake of "research" for a boat day he wants our sunday school class to have at the end of the month. He was bound and determined to find the 'perfect' locale for the event -- easy access to the water, picnic area with grills, enough green space for kids to play, but a shady area to seek retreat from the sun when needed. Thankfully, the third park was the perfect match to all our criteria.

Then it was on to the dog park to let the girls run off some steam.

By the time we made it home, I was beyond done -- tired from not sleeping great at night and being woken up by my loving-yet-demanding pups early each morning, hot from being sat on by a 35 lb dog that insists on a) having the windows down the whole time and b) sitting on mommy or daddy's laps the entire drive, and hotter still from sitting out in the sun and humidity at the dog park. It was enough to bring about my first episode of nausea! Thankfully, it didn't last long, and wasn't anything that a good 30-45 minute nap couldn't handle.

Only 4 more days to go, and we'll be officially on vacation, and headed up to the family lakehouse with all my inlaws. I am SO beyond ready!!

Hope you all succeeded in keeping cool and enjoying yourselves over the weekend ladies~

Friday, July 30, 2010

First ultrasound

Houston, we have a heartbeat...!!

And yes -- just ONE heartbeat. But we are overjoyed, and could not be happier or more thankful.

I think our nurse was in shock at how quiet we were during the whole ultrasound, but I think both DH and I were just too overwhelmed to say much... we just couldn't get over the fact that we are, indeed, pregant---and got to see the proof of it right there on the screen!

It was incredible... Baby J is measuring at about a quarter of an inch -- right on track, praise God.

And to see the little pulse of its' heart took my breath away. The nurse was even able to turn on the sound so that we could listen to the heartbeat...absolutely amazing.

I'll try to upload the pic later tonight -- but for now, I've gotta dive back into work...and at least attempt to focus for the remainder of the day. :)

Estimated Due Date: March 19, 2011.

Next u/s appointment: August 16th. I can't wait!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Just so you know...

I hope my last post didn't come across as whine-y or complaining... that really wasn't my intention. I wanted merely to point out a few of the 'symptoms' of pregnancy that I've observed over the past few weeks.

And while some of them aren't always easy, NONE of it merits complaint. Truly, I am delighted to be experiencing any of them.

I wake up each morning, thankful and so very grateful for the days and weeks that have passed thus far, still in disbelief at the fact that I can claim that I am pregnant -- that life can grow within me -- that our hopes and dreams for a baby of our own may one day be realized after all.

At the same time, I know that these days have likely been both good and bad for those continuing through treatments, on a break from treatments, or considering alternatives... Just know that I'm still following along with you & your blogs and keeping you in my prayers.

If I've learned anything on this journey, it's that community and support can make a world of difference...and I certainly don't intend to withhold support and encouragement to others when I have been so deeply blessed by it myself.

Love to you all~

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Observations thus far...

So, here I am...supposedly six weeks, 3 days pregnant--according to whatever website I checked.

I'm still not sure this is real. Mentally, this is still too surreal for me to believe at this point.

Physically, my body is giving me plenty of signs that it is, which is reassuring...

Like this weekend, for example. It felt like some sort of switch was flipped.

Suddenly, smells are overpowering. We had italian on Friday night, which was fine -- but when my DH heated up his leftovers to eat on Saturday, it was as if the garlic was assaulting me from every direction. There was no place in the house that I could escape it. To him, it just smelled "a little garlicy, like normal."

We ventured out for some big city 'culture' on Saturday afternoon, and went to the Mu.seum of Art with some friends. They drove -- which ended up being torturous. Everytime I got into their car, I was overwhelmed by the stench of dog urine... knowing that it was their little male dog that had probably 'marked' his territory on the very seat on which we were sitting...lovely. Thankfully, I tolerated the ride without losing my lunch. (whew)

Sleep, too, has become more of a challenge. It's no longer just the multiple trips to the bathroom--of which I'm now averaging 2-3 per night. The bigger problem is that now when I get up to pee, my mind suddenly goes on overdrive and my thoughts start racing.... making it practically impossible to drift back to sleep immediately.

Dreams remain quite vivid, and very strange! Sunday night, after finally falling back to sleep from one of my 5 am bathroom breaks, I dreamt that I still was unable to sleep, got on the internet, read the most recent post from April on Creek Fa.rm, and decided it was a grand idea to call her and ask about a recipe that she'd referred to in her post. Craziest thing about the dream was that she answered --even though it was 5 am EST / 4 am CST, where she lived.... I was so shocked that she answered the phone that I could hardly speak.

...Still don't know what recipe it was that I was calling to ask about...!

I also realized over the weekend that whatever hormones are raging through my body right now are making me HUN.GRY...and IRR.IT.ABLE... Sunday morning we woke up late, and had 15 minutes to get ready before church. In lieu of a real breakfast, the DH made PB toast for both of us to scarf down in the car, on the drive there. ...Not really a big enough meal to satisfy me these days, let's just say... Throughout our sunday school class, my stomach was growling. Midway through the church service, I could barely stand the hunger. At one point, I made a comment to DH about how hungry I was, and his response? "Focus-- pay attention to the service, okay?"

Clearly, not the response I was looking for.

And THEN, when the service had finally finished, despite repeated comments from me about how seriously hungry I was, my husband engaged in his usual post-service chat-fest... He is a complete social butterfly, and pulling him away from chatting is like pulling eyeteeth... practically impossible!

On our way to lunch, he decides to turn the focus of chat on me, and starts asking me all these questions about typical pregnancy stuff - like when do you first start having morning sickness? When do ppl start showing? etc... All this stuff that I'd mentioned over the coarse of the past few days' dog-walking jaunts that I DON'T KNOW, seeing as how I've never been focused on pregnancy before now... So we ended up squabbling over the fact that a)I was snappy due to low blood sugar (of which he'd been given PLENTY of fair warning!) and b) I'd told him repeatedly that I knew diddly-squat about being pregnant, or what to expect when. He had a hard time believing that... I had to remind him that the previous FOUR YEARS had been spent reading everything about trying to GET pregnant, not about being pregnant. What was I, sadistic? Why would I have tortured myself like that???

So that was my Sunday. ...After that conversation, he wisely left me alone 'til after we'd had lunch... :)

In real world updates -- I go today for my annual exam, to a new dr recommended to me by a friend of mine (thanks friend!). I considered staying with my old ob/gyn, but I'd had such a bad experience with them when I first started down the road of IF that I knew I'd never feel truly comfortable with them. I don't want a dr that treats those who are IF as if they are social outcasts. And this new dr shares an office building with my RE, which I like. So I go today to check this new lady out. I'm hoping that I like her, and won't have to look any further.

Friday is the Big Day -- first ultrasound. First chance to make sure everything is normal, and developing on schedule. First chance to hear a heartbeat -- Lord, please let it be strong and healthy.

First chance to see just how many buns we've got in the oven...

We're praying for one healthy baby. If we have two, and we'll consider ourselves doubly blessed.

Three more days 'til we know for sure...!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Final Beta

Earlier today, in a rather boring meeting that I was suffering through, I was trying to estimate what I thought my beta might be, if indeed it was doubling every other day, from last wednesday until today.

Last Wednesday's beta: 525.8

The number that I came up with was 8,000 -- a rough estimate, but still, something to have in mind when the nurse called to give me the update.

Today's beta: 8,095!

I'm so thankful -- thankful that we've gotten this far in the process, thankful that the number is (reassuringly) around what I'd thought it should be, and thankful at just the prospect of getting to carry a little one in my womb.

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted." Job 9:10

...Counting my blessings for even the hope of the miracle that He has made possible through this...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It is too hot to be sitting at the computer (unfortunately just a desktop, and in one of the hottest rooms in the house), and it was too long a day at work to want to be on one long... so this may be short. But I felt bad that it had been so long since my last post--thus, my self-sacrifice of cool air downstairs & trash tv to bring you today's installment!

Last Thursday morning I woke up smiling. Not just because I'd had my second positive beta reading! --though that did play into it, I'm sure. The real reason I woke up smiling was because I had my first pregnancy dream.

This may seem so ridiculously trivial to you -- but to me, it was major.

For the past four years, I have been praying to get pregnant. And ya'll know that up 'til recently, I've had not the slightest bit of success. But during those years, I would always pray and ask God to give me just the tiniest sign that one day I'd be a mother---to give me a dream that I'm pregnant, just once. Sometimes that would be the last thought in my mind as I fell asleep at night.

Four years, and no dreams of pregnancy. Not a one.

But last Wednesday night, I had a dream. --and boy, was it strange! (guess I wasn't really specific about the particulars...)

I dreamt that I was in the North GA mountains at a company retreat, so there were lots of co-workers making cameos in my dream. I was in the dream -- not just watching myself like on tv--and I vividly remember the thrill I felt when I looked down and saw a round, pregnant belly--my own. So surreal.

Then the scene changed -- it was pouring down rain, the roads were flooding terribly, and I had to get in someone's truck to go to the hospital (not really sure why). The weird part was that the roads were so flooded, it was more like we were floating down the 'river' / street...and the truck kept spinning slowly around in the water. Craziness.

Then I was at the hospital, and for some reason, some guy in the waiting room grabbed hold of me and started twirling me around the floor, waltzing away.

And then I woke up. :)

Isn't that the craziest, weirdest dream? But it was so vivid. And I had a pregnant belly in it... so I woke up smiling, and thanking God for granting me one, and an entertaining one at that!

The weekend was good -- spent Friday night at home with DH, and then drove over to Birmingham to spend the rest of the weekend with one of my best girlfriends, and her two little girls. She's trying to abide by my "lets-not-get-too-excited-YET" mantra, but it's not coming easy for her.

As far as how I'm feeling -- other than tired, sore boobs, bloated tummy (either due to any lingering OHSS or from being a tad stopped up from the progesterone, I'm not sure), and the occasional mild headache, I feel fine.

I'm still wondering if this is real, or if I'm going to wake up tomorrow and find that it's all been another strange dream...

Tomorrow morning: 3rd and final beta test.

Guess we'll know more tomorrow night!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Sore Cheeks

...and I'm not talking the ones you smile with!

Actually, to be quite specific, I'm talking about the upper, outer "quadrant" of both cheeks. :)

Thus far, I have had 17 intra-muscular (IM) injections of progesterone-in-oil (PIO).

The first two weeks of shots, I was thinking, man, this isn't so bad! What was all that talk about bruising, soreness, hitting nerves, etc? Those girls must have exaggerated---or maybe they're just more sensitive than me... This is a breeze!

Umm, yeah... all that changed on Monday.

All of a sudden, it seems like my body is realizing that these shots WILL take place nightly, and has finally decided to voice their objection to them in the form of pain. My right and left hip are so sore that pulling on and off clothes makes me wince, as does getting into and out of bed.

...So maybe those girls weren't full of malarky after all...

Oh, and before I forget -- today's Beta Update: 525.8.

Not quite "doubled" from Monday (315) -- should I be worried at all?

The nurse said the dr was satisfied with the number, and didn't have a problem with it. Still -- I don't know if I should be disappointed that it wasn't higher? --Or am I overthinking this?

They've scheduled my third and final Beta test for next Wednesday morning... praying the numbers continue to climb, and they're where they should be by then...

(p.s.... Just wanted to make sure you all knew I didn't think any of you were full of "malarky" ....isn't that a funny word though??)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Drumroll, please...

About to run into yet another meeting... but JUST got the call.

And I couldn't help myself -- I had to answer.

My beta number: 315.8 (!!!!!!)

...I am in shock, and can hardly believe this is real...though I know I can't really count this as really real until we know for certain that my numbers double.

So back to the dr on Wednesday morning for beta #2.

Mentally am COMPLETELY freaking out...but am having to keep it together for the next hour and half.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow, for letting us get this far.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Call

This has been the.longest.weekend.EVER.

Despite my best efforts to distract myself, I have been antsy for at least the past 24 hours... and keep thinking of how many hours left I have 'til The Call...when the RE office will give me the news on whether my beta test is positive or negative for pregnancy.

Geez, I start to freak out just reading those words!

And of course, as luck would have it, the "re-engagement" kick-off of the PFH (see post here) starts tomorrow. Kick-off starts at 1 pm, and there are back-to-back meetings 'til 5:30. The call? I'm guessing it will come in around 2-3:30, which is when they typically make the calls out to patients for dosage instructions, etc.

Which means it will most likely fall smack-dab in the middle of our meetings.

Which means I'll have to step out to take the news.

Which also means that I'll have to re-join the meeting afterwards... no matter what the outcome.

I'm a little worried about that part of it... if it's bad news, how in the world will I keep it together? How will I endure more hours of meetings?

On the flip side, if it's positive--how will I contain myself for that long? Or pay attention to absolutely anything that goes on?

I wish I could call in sick for the afternoon, but with my boss out on vacation this week, there's no one else that could sit in on the meetings to represent my department. Just me.

One day. One more day of this torture, and then we'll know, either way.

No matter what, I promise to post the result.

For those of you who actually know the woman behind the realm of Blog.ger, I would ask that you not share the news with anyone--mutual friends, etc... We plan on staying quiet about it, even if it's positive, for at least the first 8-10 weeks. As my DH says, we want to make sure things "stick." (very eloquent, isn't he?) But I'm in complete agreement with him.

Any idea what I can do to stay focused tomorrow? Outside of legal stimulants (coffee, oh how I miss you!) or prescription drugs (, I hear you work wonders)? ;-)

Monday evening, you can't get here fast enough!