Little Miss Baby J

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Friday, July 8, 2011

Sweet Summer Days

Time is flying by. I now have a four month old... a smiling, laughing, cooing, precious four month old... and life is getting sweeter and sweeter with every passing day.

I won't lie -- the early days were tough. And there were times that I wondered whether my relationship with my DH would weather such a strained time --- raging hormones, a lack of real sleep, and a DH with a propensity to clomp about the creaky wood floors in our house and (unintentionally) slam cabinet doors and generally make a huge racket tried my patience and wore on my already-frazzled nerves greatly... But thankfully, the sleep situation has greatly improved and at least the nerves aren't quite as frazzled anymore. ...No improvement on the clomping and general racket by the DH, though he does try, poor thing... he's even acquired a slight case of tendonitis in his Achilles heel from trying to tip-toe around the house!

And speaking of sleep -- my girl is doing a stellar job in that department, averaging 9 to 10.5 hours per night, straight through.... She's been blessing me with this routine since her 8th week, God love her. :)

Claire wakes up smiling, happy, and squealing in delight these days, and she is such a barrel of fun to be around... she's learned to play patty-cake, giddyup horsey (bouncing on my knee), and peekaboo in the past few weeks, and now laughs in delight every time we play them. She's still not quite a huge fan of tummy time, but she's learned to tolerate it well for 10 or so minutes, as long as I'm down on the floor with her, making a game for her with her rattles.

A new challenge for us lately has been prepping our home to list for sale... we decided June 16th that we would try to sell it now in order to move into a better school district. --A bit premature, you might think, seeing as how Claire won't be going to school anytime soon --- but DH doesn't think the housing market here in ATL has bottomed out yet, and with interest rates as low as they are, it would seem wise to go ahead and try to sell NOW as opposed to 2 or 3 years down the road.

The past 3 weeks have been spent in a flurry of house projects - painting rooms, clearing out the basement, resurfacing kitchen cabinets, cleaning up and reorganizing closets and cupboards and desks... All while trying to guard my girl's routine as best as I could. Quite a challenge it was, and quite stressful... But thankfully, we've survived it all and the house is ready, praise God. Now comes the next stage: maintaining a "show-ready" house and dealing with house showings-- all the while protecting Claire's schedule.

A typical day finds her waking up around 9 (give or take a half-hour either way), and she typically nurses at 9, 12, 3, 6, and 9... though there are usually a few four-hour stretches mixed in there. While she's great at sleeping through the night, she's not as great at napping --- I ususally only get 3 or 4 45-minute nap sessions out of her per day. And while I'm not complaining too much here -- any break is great! -- 45 minutes isn't very long to really get deep into any projects or cleaning around the house. Thankfully I can get showered and cleaned up well within that time frame, but that's about all I can do. So I will welcome the day when she transitions to fewer but longer naps -- 2 or 3 hour stretches. ...whenever that day should come, I'll be ready!

Overall, I've been just trying to enjoy every single moment with my sweet girl. She lights up my days and brings such joy to every moment. I am just so very thankful and grateful to God for every breathe she takes, for her little life. Every time she snuggles into my arms I think my heart will burst from happiness. I am in heaven, and so very thankful for the privilege of getting to spend my days with my sweet girl.

...And she wakes. More later~

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Things I Have Learned

I never knew how greatly I'd be schooled by such a small thing, but this sweet little bundle o'mine sure is teaching me a thing or two.

Things I have learned thus far, from my little snuggle-bunny:
- I CAN actually survive on less (far less!) than 8-9 hrs of sleep.
- Apparently my boobs CAN triple in size. Who knew???
- While not ideal, going to the bathroom while holding a baby IS possible.
- Blow-outs usually occur when you a) least expect it, and b) are least prepared for it.
- It is possible to both be crying in frustration over the fact, while simultaneously revelling over the knowledge, that your baby only wants to sleep in your arms. This typically occurs in the wee hours of the morning.
- Going for days at a time without either a shower or a change of clothes (but multiple changes of nursing pads!) can quickly feel normal (though still not understood or accepted by the hubby).
- I have learned how to operate so many baby things (video monitor system, stroller, itzbeen, swing, bottle warmer, humidifier, etc), but managing to bathe and dry a slippery wet baby still remains a challenge.
- Whoever invented the breast pump MUST have been a sadist... or a masochist. --Whichever one of those means liking self-inflicted torture. Those things are seriously better served as torture devices. Pumping definitely isn't for sissies!

Biggest lesson thus far: I never knew I could love like this.

It's amazing.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me

I know I'm ridiculously overdue with an update -- and I promise, it's coming!

But in the meantime -- I am enjoying this moment -- my 32nd birthday, and the first as a mom. Our sweet girl decided to make her arrival almost 2 weeks early -- she's 17 days old today!

Claire Elyse was born in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, March 6th, at 1:01 am. She weighed 7 lbs, 2.6 ounces, and was 19.5 inches long.... God be praised, she is perfectly healthy and beautiful in every way.

I am just so very grateful for this gift, for her precious life, and to get to spend my days with my baby girl. My cup runneth over.

Hands down, best. birthday. EVER!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Baby J's Birthday

Man - the days have been flying by. I'm way late on posting this with you all, but that's because a sweet baby girl has been monopolizing my time and attention -- and I've been loving every second of it. But I digress -- on to Baby J's birth story!

Saturday, March 5th, I woke up thinking this weekend would be busy -- though just from all the things we had going on.

DH had his work shower Friday evening -- which lasted 'til 12:30 am (umm, yeah - not your typical 'baby shower' to say the least!), so I was already feeling tired and groggy from the lack of sleep. Saturday morning came early, as I needed to get my brunch dish ready for our march book club meeting.

It was definitely one of those days where I would have been sorely tempted to suck down an entire pot of coffee, had one been placed in front of me. ..Sadly, none was... (sigh)

That morning I did wonder, through my fogginess (as I'd been doing for weeks now), if today would be the day to meet our daughter.

At first, I thought it was going to end up being a day just like the previous 14 or so... with no changes in circumstance.

So I made it through book club without falling asleep on the others, and soon ended up back home, curled up on the couch, to try and catnap my way through the afternoon. DH had gone fishing with his father earlier, so it was just me at home with the pups, and good 'ole HGTV to lull me to sleep.

Sleep, however, seemed to elude me.

And for good reason, I guess... at about 3:45, I felt (rather than heard) a pop, and fluid came rushing out. I practically jumped up (quite a fete, at this stage) off the couch and off the rug onto our hardwood floor, where I experienced yet another big gush of fluid. Not wanting my favorite pair of maternity jeans to get soaked, I stripped those off and started moving to the batrhoom, only for more fluid to leak out... by the time I made it to the toilet, it was running down my legs -- quite a shock to me!

...Definitely no mistaking the fact that my water had just broken!

DH still wasn't home -- I'd assumed he would have been there long before that point - so I immediately called him to ask if he was on his way home. Apparently it had been raining that morning, so his plan for fishing with his dad had been replaced with attending my nephew's Robotics competition with his dad and his brother --- 45 minutes away. ...and he had NOT driven himself there.

(Umm, whoops! ...Not the best decision!)

When I told him that the reason I wanted him to be on his way home already, he immediately went into excited/panic mode, but at least that made him move quickly... he made it home in record time, by my estimate.

In the meantime, I called the OB to advise them of my status, and they encouraged me to take my time getting ready and packing up, but to be sure and get to the hospital 'relatively soon' -- at least by the time the contractions were in the 5-5-1 pattern (more than five contractions spaced five minutes apart, lasting a full minute).

I then called my mom, who had planned to drive down with my sister for the birth. The conversation was pretty hilarious, in retrospect... when I told her my water had broken, she accused me of kidding with her. In my most sarcastic voice, I told her I was...but then immediately clarified that no, I wasn't kidding, and that i would NEVER kid about that ('specially at 38 wks and 4 cm dialated already). But somehow she missed that part, and spent the next 10 minutes telling me all the reasons why it wouldn't be convenient for this weekend (it was bad weather to drive in, she was just getting over a cold, the choir was singing some special song that sunday, etc). Based on all that, I was getting confused, thinking she was changing her mind about coming -- but still tried to persuade her with the idea that driving down on a saturday meant that at least she'd be avoiding rush hour traffic in atlanta! After a few minutes, she ended the conversation with "call me when something really happens" -- at which point I exclaimed, "Mom, something DID happen - my water broke! We're headed to the hospital soon!" ...thankfully she believed me at that point, and then quickly got off the phone to go pack up and hit the road.

...truly a hilarious -- and very typical -- mom-convo for me.

DH then arrived home, and was a complete, total mess... truly the most spazzed-out, ADD that I've ever seen him. He truly didn't know what to do with himself, poor guy. His older sister and her family also stopped by at that point, and wanted to help out. For DH, that just fed his ADD a bit more though -- he would walk into a room to do something, completely forget what he'd walk in there for, and just talk to the niece and nephews instead. Having him track the time of contractions was hilarious -- and quite a fete, given his spaciness! But I knew it was all nerves.

I had decided to get myself ready and take a shower -- but one challenge was that I kept leaking amniotic fluid. --as in, leaked through four pads worth of fluid. --That came as a big surprise to me, since I thought that when your water broke, it broke and that was it. ...Not quite the case ya'll! But my SIL assured me that I should be 'done' leaking fluid... and I naively listened to her.

So we finally finished getting ready, fully packed, and headed out to the hospital about 6:45 -- a full three hours after my water broke. From 5 pm on, I had noticed that the contractions had increased in strength, and seemed to be coming at a steady 4.5 to 5.5 minutes.

We arrived at Northside Hospital at 7, and spent the first 15 or so minutes completing all the last-minute admission paperwork. At that point, I had made it through the drive there and the paperwork without any additional gushes... but as soon as the nurse called our name to show us back to our L&D room, woosh! --- another big gush of fluid surprised me and left me completely soaked. The admissions attendant just laughed, said it happens all the time, and had the nurse wheel me back to the room in a wheelchair, wrapped up in a towel. Not a big deal -- but wow, that took me by surprise!

Florence, our L&D nurse, checked me out, and told us that I was at 5 cm dialated, 90% effaced, and at a -1 (apparently the baby moves in the birth canal from a -2 position through to zero, positive 1 and finally to positive 2 when she's ready to crown). So at that point (about 8:15 pm), I was given the option of either walking around for 45 minutes to see if I progressed more, or going ahead with an epidural & pitocin (and thus being bed-bound). I chose to walk, so they gave me leave to walk 'til about 9 pm.

Now at that point, I had advised the nurse of two things:
1 - I wanted to avoid both pitocin and an epesiotomy at all costs.
2 - I wanted to prolong an epidural as long as I could... I wasn't opposed to it, but I wanted to see if I could go without it.

Sadly, my own OB, Dr. N, was not on call that day -- so I had the choice of going with either Dr. E (the on-call OB) or the midwife, Amanda. I had never met either, so I was a little ambivalent. Florence, however, sang high praise for Amanda, and recommended using her, if I wasn't against midwives. I am not -- so I took her advice and asked for Amanda to work with me.

So we walked around the hospital, interspersed with visits with all my inlaws that were milling about the waiting area. We made it back to our L&D room for our 'check-in' time at 9, and were told that we'd missed a visit from Dr. E whom we'd decided NOT to use -- and it's a good thing we did! Turns out, he had gone ahead and ordered pitocin for me -- without even having examined me or spoken to me first about it. ...That definitely didn't sit well with me, so it just reconfirmed our decision to go with the midwife.

The midwife stopped by soon after, and she was great -- very frank, very funny, all personality! (but in a good way) She reassured me that she'd be there 'til Monday, so we could take all the time we needed. She was also very open and receptive to my desire to avoid pitocin/epidural -- although she did ask me why I was resistant to epidurals... I didn't have a good answer to that, other than the fact that I felt it would be better for the baby to avoid the drugs -- but she countered that with the question, 'Would you have your wisdom teeth pulled without drugs? Or what about your appendix removed? ...So why wouldn't you use them now, if it offered some relief?' ...To which I could say nothing but 'Good point'.

They checked me again, and this time I was at 6 cm, 100% dialated, and at the zero position... so baby J was working her way down the birth canal! Again, we were given the option of walking or being confined to the bed... again, I chose to walk. By this point, it was close to 10 pm before they gave us leave to go again.

We headed back out to the waiting area to update the family, and just as we were walking past the elevators, the doors opened, and my mom and sister stood waiting to step out. The timing was so perfect, all I could think to say was 'Welcome to the hospital!' while they exclaimed in surprise at finding me still up and about.

Mom and sis then joined us on our walk around the hospital... and at that point, the contractions were QUITE strong... by the end of the walk, they were strong enough to take my breath away, and it became impossible to stand still, or carry on a conversation during one.

We made our way back to the room by 10:30ish, and I was starting to feel really nauseated and sweaty... in retrospect, I was probably transitioning, but didn't realize it at the time.

The midwife wasn't around, but nurse Florence was there, and shocked us both by telling us that they were going to hold off checking me 'til the midwife was available -- and she had been called in to assist in a c-section, and also had a few other laboring women to check on as well. So it would possibly be several hours before we saw her, or got checked again.

Given our lack of sleep the night before, and the strength of the contractions at the time, DH started voicing his concern that I would be too worn out to push, if we had to wait 'til the wee hours of the morning... and I frankly was starting to share that concern. We just didn't have any way to know how long or short the wait would be.... so we chose to go ahead and order the epidural (which sometimes can take a half-hour or so for the anesthesiologist to come up).

Thankfully the administration of the epidural was fairly easy, and within 10 minutes of the shot, I was comfortable again. I could still feel the pressure of the contractions when they came, but no pain. They did end up giving me a little pitocin after the epidural was given, and seemingly within a 15-20 minute time-frame, my contractions were coming every 2 to 2.5 minutes.

By that time, it was nearing midnight, and DH went out to tell all the family that it could be several hours, and that they should go home or to the hotel if they wanted to get a few hours of sleep... essentially, that it could be awhile before anything happened.

Seemingly moments after he walked out the door, the midwife walked in, wanting to just 'check in' with me on her way to assist in a c-section. She asked if I was feeling any pain from my contractions since having the epidural. I told her there was no pain, but that I could still feel a great deal of pressure.

At the word 'pressure,' her eyebrows rose up, and she asked me where I was feeling it --in the front or back?

From my perspective, front and back were all one at this point, so I told her both --- which brought her immediately over to the bed. She said she thought she'd just check me real quick, just to see 'where things stood' before she went to the c-section. She proceeded to re-examine me. About that time, DH walked back into the room, just in time to hear her say "No wonder you're feeling pressure -- you're ready to push!"

DH practically jumped, he was so startled by her statement, and immediately replied by saying "but I just told all our family that it would still be hours before anything happened!" When the midwife told him that he should correct them - -that in fact, we could have a baby in the next hour -- he quickly ran back out to advise them of the update. And so he went.

By 12:30, we were all set and ready to start pushing. With every contraction that came on, I was to curl up, holding the back of my thighs for support, and tuck in my chin, focusing on holding the push for 3 10-second intervals.

It was fascinating... DH was on my left, holding my leg and coaching me through each contraction, and would tell me what he could see of her, and how much progress was made with each push. From the outset, he could see her head full of hair - so he was totally hooked into watching what he'd earlier sworn he wouldn't be able to stomach!

Every exclamation from his lips, the look of awe on his face, was all the motivation I needed with my pushing. I was just so very anxious and excited to meet my baby girl.

After five rounds of pushing, at 1:01 am on Sunday, March 6th, I felt a release of weight and pressure as she slid from my body, and Claire Elyse made her entrance into the world, to the sound of her daddy's exclamations of "Oh my God! She's here!," and her mama's laughter at the look of pure joyfulness on her husband's face... My baby girl came into the world to the sound of laughter and joy -- an clear answer to my prayers that God allow us a calm, joyful and peaceful birth.

God also be praised, she was perfectly healthy, and made her presence known immediately, showing off a fine set of lungs with her sweet baby cries. We spent the first hour with her, before all the family fell upon us and she was passed around like a football.

These first five weeks with my sweet Claire have passed so very quickly -- a veritable hazy blur of feedings and changings and nappings... but oh, it is so very sweet. I look at her, upon her tiny, precious, beautiful little face, and feel so very humbled and grateful that God has blessed us with such a gift... that I get to love and care for this child for the rest of my days. Truly, words fail to express the joy and awe I still feel when I look at her - or when I look at DH holding her. We still can't believe she's ours, that she's here - and will be, for the rest of our lives (please God).

A few pictures of the day:

DH and I (with our sweet puppy girl Lila) before leaving for the hospital -- even Lila looks excited to meet the new addition to the family!

DH and I with Claire Elyse, right after her birth - our first family photo!

Our sweet baby girl - our gift from God

And one last one... taken by a friend of ours when Claire was 5 days old... more to come later!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Inch by Inch...

Ya'll remember that saying? "Inch by inch, life is a cynch. Yard by yard, it is very very hard."

Seems that was beaten into our heads throughout gradeschool. Anyone else hear that one all through their childhood, too?

But it seems to apply to most things in life... you have to take things as they come. It is always easier to take on a little at a time, instead of biting off more than you can handle all at once.

I can't make Baby J's birthday come tomorrow... but I can enjoy the time between now and then, and celebrate each step that brings us closer to that blessed day.

Such as -- being another centimeter dialated! That's right -- per Dr. N yesterday, I'm now at 4 cm. She was quite pleased, telling me that I'm making this whole 'having a baby' seem easy-greasy (oh, please don't let that jinx me!).

My response to her was that at least some part of this whole baby-makin' experience is coming across as 'easy' for my body.

But who am I kidding?? I am grateful for any tiny little thing that my body can do naturally and normally with all this... I'm grateful for every stinkin' moment of this pregnancy, for every swift kick in the ribs I get from Little Miss Soccer Star in there, for every ache and pain and discomfort... I count it pure JOY that I have been able to experience it at all.

That doesn't make me any less ready to meet her though! While I will certainly miss the feeling of Baby J moving around in my belly, I'm sure I wouldn't trade her being in my arms for anything in the world.

Come on, birth day! Get here already!!

Monday, February 28, 2011

A bundle of nerves - the Waiting Game

Tomorrow morning I have my 37 week appointment with Dr. N, and I am DYING to find out if I've progressed any. ...and trying not to get my hopes up if she tells me I haven't.

We're ready. -- Or rather, we think we're ready. DH is nervous as can be -- I think the reality and increasing proximity of my due date is really freaking him out...

Case in point - packing the hospital bags.

We had talked about needed to have bags packed for the hospital even prior to our 'babymoon' a few weeks ago... and you would think that last week's news from Dr. N would have jump-started that process.


I brought it up that very evening, when we got home from work - need to get those bags packed!

I brought it up that Thursday - he assured me we'd tackle it Friday night.

Friday night came and went - we got home later than anticipated, and DH suggested we wait 'til Saturday when we'd have 'more time' and were better-rested.

Saturday came and went -- and while I did some pre-packing laundry to get ready for packing -- DH did everything he could to avoid it. ...He even started working on our tax return as his procrastination!

When we went to bed that evening, I cornered him on the issue -- and he admitted that the procrastination was all stemming from his nervousness about it all (L&D, bringing the baby home, my impending retirement from work--and the pressure that puts on HIM to provide for us), and that packing the hospital bag made it seem that much more imminent and he'd been avoiding it.

But we know that God has, in all things, provided abundantly more than we've needed for each and every circumstance... and we know that He will continue to do so after I 'retire' from the working world. So I tried as best I could to comfort my hubby with reminders of how He's provided for us in the past... As to the nervousness about the baby's impending arrival -- I told him he's not the only one nervous about it (and also QUITE anxious for it to get here already!!). And while I know it will be tough and a major blur for a few (or more) weeks, I know we're ready for this.

We're practically there... the moment we've been praying for and dreaming of for almost 5 years now.

So we woke up Sunday morning, went to sunday school, and then skipped big church to come back home and pack our bags. They're now residing in the hallway upstairs, all set and ready to go.

Every time I see them, I get a little thrill down my spine. ...and I can't help but wonder when we'll need them.

I wake up most mornings with the same thought... will today be the day that Baby J makes her grand entrance? Will I get to meet my little one today?

Only God knows!

Hoping tomorrow's appointment brings good news --- and if not, that my walk with a good friend after work will get things moving!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

So this is really happening, huh?

Well folks, I guess I'm really going to have a baby soon... and maybe sooner than I thought!

I had my 36 week appointment today. This marked the first of my 'weekly' visits, of which they always do an internal exam of my girly parts. (woohoo)

Dr. N was asking the routine questions - have I been having any contractions? Do I feel ok? Have I noticed any swelling? etc? which my responses were yes, yes, and yes... though only braxton hicks (to my knowledge), and only minimal swelling (mostly in my feet/legs by the end of the day).

So you understand why it would shock my socks off when Dr. N finishes her internal exam by telling me she needs to ask me the contraction question again -- since I'm 3 cm dialated and 70% effaced already!!

Wwhhhat the whaaaaat???

Shocked. Seriously shocked, people.

And a tad deliriously happy/excited/nervous/anxious.... I am so READY to meet Little Miss! ...But oh my -- we gotta get on it with some other stuff-- don't have the car seat in yet, don't have any NB size diapers (am praying my baby won't quite fit into the size 1 8lb+ size...!), haven't packed a hospital bag yet ----haven't even taken the freakin' tour of the hospital to know where to GO yet...

But all that stuff'll fall into place, right??

Dr. N did warn me that my dialation/effacement doesn't necessarily mean that I'll go into 'active' labor before my due date (3 weeks 4 days away). She said they can't really predict when I'll go -- it could be another 2 weeks, or 2 days. It all boils down to when my body says it's time. But whenever labor really kicks in, they won't do anything to stop Baby J from making her grand entrance, at this point.

...In sharing this news with a) my DH, and b) my boss,I think I might have caused a mini-panic for both of them... heee. If we can just finish up the interview process for my boss, I think he'd feel a lot better. As for DH -- I think he's going to continue in mini-panic mode, whatever happens at this point.

I'm just so ready to meet my baby girl!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Work Daze

The decision has been made, and the boss and HR informed -- I will be staying home after my 12 weeks of FMLA are over.

Even though this was what my heart has been leaning toward all along, it was still quite difficult to actually say the words out loud.

...Didn't help the situation any that my boss has been making random comments vascillating between "when your leave is over/when you're back" and "you're going to love being home/we're really going to miss you" -- leaving me wondering what they're thinking? Did I even need to make it a formal statement, or did they already assume I'd stay home??

But in the end, I confirmed with my boss that I would, indeed, be choosing to stay home with Baby J.

...It's a scary statement to make these days, given the present economy and all... who in their right minds walks away from a good job, working with great people, and good benefits??

So I am just trusting in God's leading, that this IS the right decision for me and for our family...and praying that I don't end up going stir-crazy -- like my sister did when she was at home (her hubby ended up making her go back into the working world, just because they couldn't afford to keep paying for all her new house 'projects.' Poor guy would come home from work to find a wall taken down, or their bed thrown away!)

The next few weeks are likely to be tough at work, too. They've started the process of looking for my replacement, and we have 5 internal candidates to interview early next week... one of them being my assistant.

Don't get me wrong -- my assistant is wonderful, and has made life in my dept these past 2 years SO much smoother and easier. But she's not the right person for my job. Her personality and the way she handles stress and conflict would just not mesh well with it at all... nor do I think she'd be happy doing it in the long run. --Happy with the increased pay, maybe, but not the job itself.

At my work, they make you take these online 'profiles' that determine whether you would be a match to a certain job position or not... and typically won't interview any candidates with less than a 70% match to the job.

However, in my assistant's case, they're making an exception. Her profile was not a match for the job - not by a significant amount - but they've decided to let her interview anyways, since she 'stood in the gap' for me and my basic job responsibilities last year during our Project From Hell. They say she's earned the right to an interview.

While I don't disagree that she's earned that right - I do wonder if that's giving her false hope, and setting me (and my boss) up for a harder time later, when she doesn't get the role. She's already made comments to others on how she considers herself already trained to do my job, and that it would 'annoy her to train someone else to be her boss.' ...NOT a good sign... Although she did cover the basics, and did a fairly good job of it -- she didn't take care of everything that falls under the scope of my total job, nor did everything she handled during my absence get done 100% correctly... not an easy thing to address with someone after-the-fact, and without coming across as a horrid micro-manager with a laundry-list of wrong-doings to pin on their employee.

Since her profile is so very much mismatched to the job, I know they wouldn't really consider her as a candidate beyond the first interview... which just seems so cruel. Wouldn't it be better to be told that a computer claims you're not a match for a role (less personal), than to get to interview for the job, and then be rejected?? I just feel like she'll take it so much harder after the interview.

Selfishly, I also worry about the stress or tension that will play out once she's been rejected... it's not going to be fun. She's much more on the dramatic/emotional side anyways, so I'm already anticipating the depth of anger/resentment/guilt-inflicting looks or comments/bitterness that may crop up from all this. ---Not to mention, how she'll adjust to whoever will be her new manager!

For myself, I'm praying for this process to go quickly, and be as painless and drama-free as possible... and for my department, I'm praying that God will prepare the heart of both my assistant, and my replacement, for one another -- to accept them with an open heart, no matter how this plays out.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thirty Days and Counting...

So in the next 4 weeks (give or take one), we're going to be leaving a hospital with a teeny tiny baby girl... and life as we've known it will never be the same.

This is all starting to feel very, very real.

As in a, wow-oh-my-gosh-am-I-ready-no-help-we're-not-ready-yet sort of way.

Since my last post, we've had our 4 baby showers, and baby things have now taken over our house. ...Mostly in the form of pink clothing, but thankfully not all of it!

I've done four loads of baby-specific laundry.... and pulling out one teeny-tiny outfit after another doesn't seem to lessen the shock of how very small this little one may be.

The baby's room is set up - furniture in place, bedding washed and on the bed, clothes and blankets and bibs and socks and sleepers either folded and in drawers or hung up, all just waiting to be used.

Only a few things left to purchase from our registries -- and thanks to an overabundance of newborn clothes and duplicate books/other items, we have a good bit of store credit to use towards fulfilling the 'basics' we still need. (DH is pretty darn excited about that!)

The baby showers were absolutely beautiful, each one. It was fun to see the different groups of people at each, and of course everyone was overwhelmingly generous and so thoughtful in how each one was planned, decorated, presented. But they were also hard, in a way. Even though it's an amazing feeling to finally be at a baby shower thrown for your own baby -- it doesn't lessen the strange feeling over being at a baby shower--even one you've looked forward to!--after having avoided them or suffered through so many for so long. That's a weird transition. I also don't relish being the center of attention -- so just having that many people eyeing me all at once was a tad disconcerting!

I almost made it through all four with no crying... almost.

But in the end, I am blessed with beautiful memories of each - and DH, Baby J, and I are most definitely blessed by the love and generosity of so many friends and family.

Last weekend we took our 'babymoon' trip down to Seagrove Beach, FL - so nice to get away for a few days! We both took off Thursday and Friday to make it a good long weekend trip and man, was it. We did a whole lotta nothing... which was absolutely fine in my book. Every day we'd walk on the beach for a few hours after breakfast, then go explore the area - either Seaside, which we could walk into, or another local beach town within a short drive of Seagrove. Then we'd have lunch wherever we were, head back to the beach cottage for a short rest (or more Sportscenter, as in the case of DH), and then hit the beach again around 4 or 5 to watch the sun go down and walk more. Every night we tried a different local restaurant - which is always fun in my book. Then we'd stop and get a dollar movie from Redbox and call it an evening. (Note to self - never subject yourself to "The Other Guys" again - it was awful! and move "Red" up in your queue)

We lucked into sunny weather while there, but sadly, it wasn't terribly warm... it was mostly in the low-to-mid 50's during the day, and 30's at night. But at least a) that gave me an additional excuse to avoid any sort of bathing suit experience at 35 weeks, and b) we never really got sweaty during all our beach walking! So there were definitely some good advantages to the cool weather. ..That, and I could cuddle up more to the hubby. Always a plus!

As of Saturday, I'll be 36 weeks and officially in the 'no travel' zone... craziness. This pregnancy has just been flying by for me. ...Which means I need to get a move on getting everything else set up or put away and organized! (yikes) Before I know it, she'll be here!

Body-wise, I am definitely feeling very pregnant these days. Big, uncomfortable, easily flushed and hot, and starting to notice slight swelling in my hands, legs & feet. Even a slight spreading of my feet, which I'd long been praying to avoid (please don't be permanent! I love my fun heels and all my boots!!) The pregnancy waddle is definitely unavoidable now, for which DH gets endless entertainment -- that, and the sound of my groaning as I try to roll from one side to the other during the night... not an easy task, at this point. Braxton-Hicks are becoming a companion to any form of activity - even just walking up the stairs, or from my desk to the restroom at work.

But despite it all, I am grateful for every single second of discomfort. I am just so grateful to be here - to be carrying Little Miss - and to be this close to meeting our little girl.

The next 30 days can't pass quickly enough!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Snow Daze

Snow Day #4 here in the suburbs of Atlanta, GA... restlessness is setting in, and our store of food is quickly dwindling. The fact that I can easily walk into the kitchen to grab a snack every hour and a half, isn't helping!

Here's a great pictorial of a southerner's mentality regarding snow, as shared by one of my co-workers:

It really wasn't so bad in the first 2 days... I was still able to get outside and walk the dogs with DH, and felt relaxed and happy getting to work from the comfort of my couch, still in my pj's all day. Rolling out of bed at 9 and not worrying about getting ready, the commute, etc., is certainly nothing to complain about!

The ice that set in Tuesday night, however, has really made me start to feel more 'stuck.' I tried walking the dogs with DH yesterday, but after I'd gingerly made it 4 driveways down the road, DH suggested that I turn back, worried that there might be too much ice and not enough slush or powder left for me to retain good footing on the walk. And let's face it -- our dogs don't exactly pay attention to my pleas to be well-behaved and not pull their mommy when they get excited. They're only 35 lbs each -- but that's more than enough to throw me off balance if they decided to start pulling suddenly.

Observations on Day 4 of Snow in GA:
- Daytime TV really is abysmal.
- There's only so much soup you can eat during cold weather... DH keep saying he's going through chewing withdrawals.
- On the other hand --Soup is so stinkin' easy to make, and so good... other things seems so much more complicated to make. Or maybe it's that I don't have enough 'one-and-done' meal options in my repetoire?
- I keep telling myself today's the day I'm going to try out that "perfect preg.nancy" video I got for Christmas... and then I go back, sit on the couch, and watch more trash tv.
- People in the south really don't know how to drive when there's any sort of precipitation falling from the sky or stuck on the ground. All traffic laws and standards are immediately cast aside for a 'whatever works for me' mentality... so drivers beware!
- I would love to paint my toenails, but am not sure I can bend over to reach them, for that length of time anymore... (how pathetic is that??)
- Baking sounds really appealing to me right now... but I can't find any recipes that don't call for eggs, which we're out of already.
- My dogs sleep all stinkin' day! No wonder they're usually maniacs by the time we get home from work at night... lazy bums.
- On a positive note, day #4 of procrastination on housecleaning is going QUITE well... thanks to crap daytime tv.

Honestly, it hasn't been entirely bad. Being home more than usual has allowed DH and I to make great strides in cleaning out closets, organizing, storing things in the basement, and switching around some of the furniture in anticipation of setting up nursery upstairs. He even got REALLY motivated yesterday, and ended up removing the old rod/shelf in the closet, and started trimming out the room in the new paint color. ...So progress is being made! --By him, anyways.

Now if I could just kick myself into high gear.

This weekend is our first baby shower (gah!) in Nashville. Praying for clear roads, and no icy remnants through the mountains near Chattanooga! Also praying that I get through it without any breakdowns. I get teary even thinking of being at a shower that's being thrown in honor of a baby of our own... being there is going to be surreal.

But I am quite excited. Just need to figure out good hostess gifts - and quickly. My plan of using lunchbreaks these past few days to run over to the mall and pick out something for the hosts have been completely I just have tomorrow to find something perfect for each of the 3 hostesses.

Any ideas from the peanut gallery? Here's to successful shopping!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Looking Ahead

Man, I'm a slacker! Not a single post since before Thanksgiving -- ay de mi! My apologies to the blogging community for such outright negligence. Hope you'll forgive me.

So what have the last few months looked like in my world? Here's a quick rundown:

Thanksgiving: Made the trek from Atlanta to Memphis with our two dogs for Turkey Day with my entire extended family. It was wonderful -- up until the point that DH and I came down with my niece & nephew's stomach bug they'd caught at school. Thankfully, we'd traveled home on Saturday and woke up with it on Sunday -- so at least we were in the comfort of our own home while sick. Two and a half days of sickness definitely ensured that I didn't gain any 'excess holiday weight' for my next OB appointment though!


My friend A got married on the 4th. It was beautiful... an intimate service with about 25 guests, at a quaint little stone church in town. The only unexpected (and thus bad) surprise was that my dress - which I'd bought a mere 4 weeks before the event--fit quite differently on the wedding day than when I'd bought it. ...while I had anticipated a bigger belly to fill out the front, I had NOT anticipated that my girls would also increased in size...and thus ended up on greater display than previously imagined. Let's just say that I wore a wrap for the remainder of the night, post-wedding service.

The next weekend, the 11th, was the weekend my friend G was supposed to get married. I continue to call and email, but with no response. My heart still hurts so much for her, and for the pain and disappointment she must be going through right now. Still praying that she'll decide to let me in a little, and respond to one of my attempts at communication...

My hairdresser decided to retire and move to Peachtree City (about an hour south of Atlanta -- which would be about 1.5 hours+ south of where we live)... I am devestated. She was a curly hair genius, and so very sweet. She, too, had struggled with IF to get pregnant, had suffered a miscarriage in her 2nd trimester, and then thankfully went on to carry her sweet and healthy son to full term... so she and i had lots to share with each other when we'd meet for haircuts. I am going to miss her friendship and presence greatly-- AND her magical touch with my wayward curls.

The rest of Christmas was a blur of work... I tried to honor the dr's wishes and not work beyond 10 hours a day, but in the thick of our busiest time of year, it was hard to do. Thanks to having an extra temp around the office (thank you Lord!), the longest I would go was 12 hours... then I'd head home, sit like a zombie on the couch for an hour, and hit the sack.

Worst of all was the fact that I caught some sort of cold on the 21st, and it just kept dragging on and morphing into something worse. I had it through Christmas (a lovely 4 day reprieve from work, spent at my in-law's -- and the first white christmas Atl has seen in 120-odd years!), and it just kept hanging on through New Year's. That weekend I was so miserable that DH woke up to me crying in bed.. I was so over being sick, and my cough kept me up and not able to breathe that well, that I hadn't slept well in days... topping it off with being pregnant, not being able to get comfortable, and not being able to take anything to knock out the cold, and I was at the end of my rope. Needless to say, after that night, I showed up bright and early at the dr's office on Monday morning, and they were able to give me an antibiotic for my cold-morphed-sinus infection/ear infection. Sweet relief!

NYE itself wasn't too bad. I had to work 'til 8 -- which is rather early, in comparison to years' past. Then I drove home to a clean house and got ready to have a few friends over to celebrate the New Year. It was nice, small, and not too rowdy -- which is exactly what I needed.

It's hard to believe that 2011 is here... and that I will be meeting my Little Miss in just 10 short weeks. Looking back at 2010, it's amazing to me to look back on all that we went through, and where God has us now.

At the outset of 2010, we were feeling hopeful to begin our first round of IVF...only to have a rough first start with meds in February and have to stop... then our abismal failure of round #1 in April... and to have to convince ourselves to move foward and maintain hope (and not get our hopes up) for our (blessedly successful) round #2 in June.

Then, miracle of all miracles, we found ourselves with a positive pregnancy in July... and our hopes and fears suddenly took on a different tone and meaning. We found ourselves in unchartered territory. I'd spent 44 months reading up on IF and how to GET pregnant. I knew nothing about being pregnant, or what to expect, what to look for in terms of warning signs if something went wrong, what I should/shouldn't do/eat, whatever. I was so anxious about Baby J, and whether or not she would make it through the first trimester, then through 24 weeks (point of viability).

Here in 2011, I find myself still praying for her continued health and growth... that she develop and grow as she should for the next 10 weeks. That the birth go well and there not be any medical issues for little miss. That she be born healthy and strong... and a good sleeper (please God!).

One of my favorite verses in the bible is Colossians 1:17, which says "He is before all things, and in Him, all things hold together."

To me, it is a true reflection of life. He goes before me, and is always there, paving our way. We may not understand (or appreciate!) His timing with how life goes, or why it takes so long for some prayers to be answered, but I have no doubt that in the end, "in Him, all things hold together." He held me together for those 44 months of desperate cries and pleadings for a baby. He held me together on those days when I couldn't help but cry in the bathroom at work, or while walking the dogs, or when I was hiding my tears from DH in the shower. He held me together when I was overwhelmed with anger and bitterness and resentment at our situation, with even having to deal with IF at all -- and feeling so entitled to kids, compared to others that I saw around me that seemingly got knocked up just by thinking of se.x.

He held me together when our first round of IVF failed, and I wasn't sure I could take the pain of IF and treatments and the unfairness of our situation any longer. He held me together when I was petrified of starting round #2, for fear of similar failures awaiting us.

He held me together when I dared to allow hope to take root in my heart, despite the cost I knew I would pay, if it should all go awry. He held me together when we made it through our ER successfully, then our ET... and with our positive beta test.

He's held me through every step in these last 30 weeks of pregnancy... and I have no doubt that whatever 2011 has to bring (and beyond), that He will continue to hold us together through it all.

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes, and while none of us would ever wish for blessings to come in the form of struggles or misfortunes, I know that God has blessed us greatly through our struggles with IF, and our failures and trials over the course of 2010 (and prior). And as painful as they were, I would not trade them for anything. They have brought us to where we are today, and as I sit here and consider all that we have to anticipate in 2011, we are richly blessed, indeed.