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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Haircuts and Puppy Kisses

...are two things that can always brighten this gal's day.

Nothing feels better than getting your haircut. To me, it's like a mini-spa day. Someone else washing your hair. The scalp massage..! Chatting with your stylist (whom I LOVE) and/or the interesting people around you. Leaving, feeling like a million bucks. Being told your hair looks like a million bucks..even if it is only for the next few hours, before bedtime. ..Such a nice feeling!

And, of course, coming home to my two sweet puppy girls, who are always thrilled to see me, and push/pull each other out of the way, trying to get closest to their 'mama' to see who can give the most puppy kisses. Slobbery as they are, they always brighten my day.

My day needed brightening. It was a rough one. Some days I am fully capable of functioning like a normal human being, going about my job, getting things done. Other days--not so much. Today was one of those 'not so much' days.

I've had a lot of those alarming number of them, really. My DH even pointed out to me, during our 'evening consistution' when we walk our pups round the neighborhood, that HE's even noticed it's getting bad. Which is definitely not...good.

When it gets to the point when you have drag yourself out of bed, after more than 8 hours sleep (which i have to have to function well), dragging yourself to work--only to get there and barely tolerate the 8 hours at your desk 'til you can leave again---then you are looking at some serious red flags, folks. You aren't happy.

And I'm not.

Thing is, I love my company. I work for a wonderful Christian non-profit. It's a very encouraging and inspiring place to work--most of the time. The people there are wonderful, truly. The job, even, is both interesting and challenging. Granted, there are some definite negatives (non-profs = not the greatest salary, and working massive OT during Christmas/New Year's isn't exactly ideal), but overall, it's a great job.

Then came The Project. (secretly labeled "The Project from Hell")

The PFH came about for the very good reason that we were growing--had grown too big, in fact, for our old systems. We needed a new one. One that would, God willing, enable us to grow much, much bigger, and take us many many moons into the future of the company. A new system that would be more efficient, more automated. Less work!

We were sold. The system was found, sales contracts were signed, and preparations were made. Early in 2010, we officially launched the PFH, requiring the company to convert all our current systems over to the new. Departments named individuals to represent them and manage their team's conversion. The VP of ours sought me out to nominate me as representative for ours... I was snowed by the talk of the 'grand' opportunity to showcase my leadership skills, by how impressive it would look on a resume. ...of it being a good 'filler' for an otherwise slower time of year...

Another thing I was promised was that it wouldn't be stressful. Which, of course, was a big fat lie. LIE, people!

---Not that my boss would intentionally, knowingly lie to me. He wouldn't. He is a very nice man--nicer than most of my former bosses--but he oversimplifies things. And convinces himself that everything's easier than it is... And if this wasn't the mother of oversimplifying, I don't know what is.

So I'm stuck. The project will last 'til the fall, at which point our busy season commences. Which means, NO BREAK. No rest for the weary. --Not that I want months of slowness--but hey, 6-8 weeks of it, I could handle.

The bigger issue is that the PFH isn't going well. It's waaay off the projected timeline, and due to some major delays related to my department (which thankfully, aren't my/our fault whatsoever), it will continue to fall behind... which could mean that we don't actually finish it this year...which means it'll just roll right into 2011, and keep on going.

And I just don't know if I can handle that.

Today was a breakdown-in-the-bathroom-day -- twice, in fact. The stress of a) not really knowing what I'm doing with all this, coupled with b) increasing pressure from the project leads to submit weekly reports with increasingly-detailed 'status' updates with detailed timeframes, when c) the delays in my dept mean we don't know when the freak we're going to have any of it ready, nor do I know when the hell we WILL know, all loaded on top of d) trying to get through the freaking day without succumbing entirely to the obsession that IS my IF blog-reading (or just on on infertility in general).... and I am losing it. Rapidly.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I've debated telling my boss that I can't lead our dept anymore---but he's stretched with some other projects as it is, and I'm not sure I can do that to him. I also don't want to feel like a failure to the company/big-wigs, for giving up. (which, given how few know about my IF issue, is probably how it would be judged) But I'm not sure I can go through another 4 months (this year, plus Lord knows how much next year if/when it gets extended) of it all. I'm barely keeping myself together as things are now.

Today I had to skip a lunch meeting so I could get away from the office for an hour, just to physically leave the place. That's bad. My old job has never looked so good.

But on the larger scale-- I'm starting to wonder if it's time for me to start looking elsewhere. Which is SUPER scary. (interviews?! being new again?! learning curve?! AHH!) But I'm in serious need of something less stressful. More manageable. --Possibly with the option of flex hours, job-sharing, or potentially part-time in the future (assuming we do eventually get knocked up, please God!!). Can something like this exist, within 30 minutes of our house, at a level-or-higher salary, with a good boss/company???

Hey, a girl can dream.


  1. Wow, I feel for you just READING about what you are going through. I so wish there was a way for you to get out of that position. Hang in there girl and thank you so much for being so open about where you are. Oh and the article above... very interesting stuff. Love you.

  2. OK, you are an amazing writer. You have a TON going on so please just keep blogging honestly - it's really beautiful to read. And I pray for you every morning and this helps guide me. But wow, girl, this is a LOT. Praying for some guidance for you and boldness if a decision needs to be made about your job.

  3. Oh, I can feel for you on this one! I am on day 3 of sitting at my desk, completely distracted by infertility. And it’s not that I don’t have work to do. There is a huge pile of it sitting right next to me. It’s just I don’t have the heart, energy or desire to do any of it. And I love my job, I really do. But I want a child so much more…

    Hang in there. I am praying the PFH makes a surprising shift and picks up speed. Or, if not, that you have the strength to get through it all.